A
female
age
41-50,
*ellebutler111
writes:There is this guy (let's call him Harry)... a co-worker who is located in another state. We have to work fairly closely - and have done so for about 3 years. We always had a very strong working relationship - but not flirty at all. I now have intense feelings for this man.It is only in the last year that we met face to face; the first time only for a matter of minutes. I was shocked to feel an immediate physical chemistry with him. The only thing he said to indicate he had 'noticed' me was in relation to another co-worker - who he worried was underrating my capabilities "just because you're good-looking". The second time we met was at a weekend away (work reward) about 4 months ago. Each night we inevitably gravitated towards each other. Late on the final night we ended up talking together for ages, and didn't even stop when his friends started teasing us. When we got separated, we did the most shameless, intense eye contact across the room. I should note that there was lots of alcohol and party atmosphere here –hardly the context for a meaningful connection! But apart from a secret arm around my waist, and a very chaste good night kiss - nothing happened. The following morning I had to fly home, he came and found me to say goodbye. But again, it was simply a very brotherly hug (no body contact!) and a kiss on the cheek. We are both in long-term relationships. Mine is troubled - but my partner is struggling with depression and when I tried to end it (prior to meeting Harry) he developed panic attacks. I have never gone close to cheating until now. I have no idea of the status of Harry's relationship.After the weekend, there were about three days of euphoria and phone/email flirting, then I went into freak out mode (became hostile and uber professional –partly confusion, partly fear of gossip mongering) and more recently we have settled back into the close professional relationship we used to have. We have never spoken of what went on between us over the weekend. If I had to pick one word as to how we deal with each other now it would be: Fondly.This week I had to have a day off to help my partner prepare for an intense business trip. When Harry called me the day before, I mentioned I would be away for a day. When he pressed me as to why I would not be there, I told him. I had never spoken of my current partner before. He laughed out loud - saying "what a nice girl" I was, and then again laughingly asking if my partner didn't know how to pack for himself. He seemed amused and completely untroubled at the thought of me being with someone else. Ouch! He called me on my return. About work - but he sounded so depressed that I asked him if he was ok. He just said it was "miserable, rainy day here". I have never seen him like this. Later in the conversation I couldn't help but ask again "what is wrong - you sound so...tired?". He then just said "I lay awake last night and couldn't sleep" and wouldn’t elaborate. Questions:• Could he be going through the same crazy feelings as I am? • Do even seemingly confident men possibly sit on these feelings for 4 months!?!• There is no doubt there was attraction here – but how do tell the difference between someone who just wanted sex with a friend and someone who is interested in more? • How do I explore this without making him uncomfortable? I don’t want to ask him outright about his feelings for me or say how I feel!!! Heeeeelp! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): • Could he be going through the same crazy feelings as I am?
Quite possibly, but you'd do well to find out a little more about his background. He could be either happy or unhappy in his relationship. If the latter, I'd say it's entirely possible.
• Do even seemingly confident men possibly sit on these feelings for 4 months!?!
Of course they do - you're in a professional relationship with this one and he most likely doesn't want to be accused of sexual harassment and risk the wrath of his superiors if he were to treat you any different to any other woman in the workplace.
• There is no doubt there was attraction here – but how do tell the difference between someone who just wanted sex with a friend and someone who is interested in more?
I think you'll just have to assume that he found you very attractive and given the opportunity would have liked to have had sex with you - or at the very least tried to imagine what it would be like. The 'more' bit comes in time if two people get on so well together that they want to live together.
• How do I explore this without making him uncomfortable? I don’t want to ask him outright about his feelings for me or say how I feel!!!
Why not?. I can't advocate cheating, but if I did (:o) -The next time you speak to Harry you tell him that you're really looking forward to meeting him again because you immensely enjoyed his company on the last occasion. You wait for his reply and take your cue from it. If he replies in like manner you could tell him that you don't know what's going on in your head, but you feel something of an affiliation with him, an attraction even, and you've not felt like this since you were a teenager. One thing should lead to another. You could maybe ask him to describe what the perfect night out with you would mean to him, and have your own version ready for your reply.
I've long since lost my chat-up technique - or it's rusty at best - but I know how I'd like to be chatted up! Leave a few doors open for him and if he wants to he'll walk right through them. I'd love to know how this pans out!
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