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anonymous
writes: Hi,I would love some advice, i have been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 10 months. We are very good together, and I love him loads and he tells me he loves me too.When we met, he was stll living in his house with his ex and they were going through the process of him buying her out, this was happening for the first 4 months of our relationship. He told me that they were friends for about 6 years before they started seeing each other, but it didn't work out for them and now they are back to being friends.A couple of months ago he told me he was going to meet her as she wanted him to do a favour for her, I felt a little uncomfortable about this and told him so, he admitted that maybe he had been a little insensitive about it. A couple of days ago,I found a message on his phone, he knew Ii had his phone so I wasn't snooping. The message was one he had sent to his ex asking "are we doing lunch today" I was upset about this as he was still seeing her and not telling me.When I asked him about it, he said that they had met a couple of times to hand over post and that he didnt tell me cuz he knew I would be upset about it. I dont believe anything is going on or anything like that, cuz they wouldnt have gone through all that with the house if there was still anything between them. But am I overreacting or am I right to be upset about him still meeting with her sometimes, especially arranging lunch? They dont have any kids and so there are no ties in that way.I know I'm not the most confident of people and having been cheated on in my last relationship, I guess it makes me more sensitive to him doing this.I don't want to keep going on at him about it cuz I dont want thim thinking that im nagging about it.What do you think???Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, I'm sorry it's so long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2005): I am so sorry you are feeling so insecure at the moment.It is important that you keep a level head about all of this.You don't mention how old you both are but despite that I hear you hurting and confused.I can't answer your question nor can I make your feelings of insecurity go away. I can speak of my own experiences of myself needing to be friends with my ex.An admission I have to make to myself, if no one else. I do need a "closure" on my ex-relationship/marriage. I was married for 16yrs and have known him since I was a teenager. We had a good life together but things went wrong and we split up. It was rather nasty and he turned out to be someone I didn't know.Anyway, 5yrs later, we are both remarried and apparently happy. I still need his friendship... I miss him even now. I don't love him, nor do I want him, I just miss him. In the early days, I wanted him because of the familiarity as well as finding it was a "niggle" between him and the friend he went with, and eventually married. I was hurt and needed some kind of platform for my strength. I felt that by "being a friend" to him made me stronger and it was also a threat to their new relationship. Not now, however. I have since moved on and learned that no amount of "revisiting" or "revenge" can make things right.I now need to be my childrens' father's friend. For no other reason apart from that we have a common interest, the children.You can make of this what you can. I don't believe that your partner should keep secrets from you but on the other hand it hurts and confuses you when he does tell you. There is nothing worse than to find out you have been lied to and betrayed. Don't put yourself in that place. Try to find out more about it. I know how you must be feeing... if you give your trust, will you be made a fool of again, will you be hurt again... I do understand. I know I wouldn't like it if my husband kept on meeting his ex for lunch etc. even less if he didn't tell me!Two people of the opposite sex can be friends to a degree. It is our imagination that puts a deeper meaning into some of it. Our intuition tells us when it is wrong or ok. Trust your intuition, trust yourself.Try talking to your man about how this situation is making you feel.Communication is a good thing. At least you might get a straight answer.I am sorry I cannot give you a magic wand. Try to be strong, whatever happens. Trust in you. Thats all you need... for now.
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