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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in a very difficult situation. I found out after 9 years of being with my husband he cheated. He didnt come clean, I just so happened to find out one day and confronted him about it. At first he lied over and over until he decided to "come all the way clean". He told me they had sex twice and it was no more to it than that.Then I told him I was going to pull his call records to see who gave who the new number since his number has recently changed, he then "came all the way clean" again and said he gave it to her. So now I know I am not going to get the full truth unless I find out for myself. So I pulled the calls and texts from his previous phone and discovered they had conversed daily for at least the last 1 1/2 months. This killed me since now I know it wasnt just sex cause they were sending upwards of 30-60 texts daily between the two of hem. I ordered detailed messages because I want to know what they were talking about since he "doesnt remember" I asked how often they hung out and dont believe I got the truth.I am so scared that because they had some sort of relationship, that it cant be over that fast and there may be lingering feelings on his or her end (she knows me and that we were together) That she will still cross his mind. So my question for the men (cause I need a honest male opinon) how reasonable is it to think that they sent over 500 sexually explicit messages in a month, that they were only together twice? I am still conflicted on whether to read the detailed text, because I think I am going to find out he is still lying. Should I read these texts or try to believe him although he wasnt honest. Deeply lost and confused
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): This is the worst pain someone can put you through. You will get through this, and life will be happy for you again.
If you want to work on your marriage and be together, and rebuild trust, then yes, you should read the texts, know everything that happened and every small detail should be exposed. If what he has done is a deal breaker in itself, and you will not or do not want to try to fix your marriage, then don't read them. They will hurt you more needlessly. If the texts will help you make a decision, then you will need to read them, but decide beforehand, what decision you will make depending on what they say.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): I'll start by answering your questions.
When I started flirting with my ex, she was involved with someone else. It started out with funny texts and progressed to sharing personal information and sexting. In the three months before we actually got physical my phone bill was £200, that's 5p a text (4000!). So yes it is possible.
To answer your second question, no I wouldn't read the texts. They will only upset you and gain you nothing.
As for my opinion on the situation, I would leave (actually I'd throw him out). What does it matter what's in the texts? What does it matter if they're sexual or not? This man has lied and cheated on you and continues to lie to you. You will never be able to trust him again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 First of all, I'm really sorry you found out your husband was cheating on you. There truly is nothing so devastating as to know the man you gave yourself to body and soul has betrayed you in the most intimate way possible.
That being said, I want to slice through your confusion.
He cheated on you and lied. It doesn't matter if it was once, one hundred times, or if they were texting 90,000 times a day. He cheated, so what are you doing to do about it?
You digging up his detailed texts, interrogating on "how many times", trying to find out HOW he seduced her and what about him made her sleep with a married man...I'm sorry, but that is masochistic to you. I understand the emotions driving you to do it, but it will only cause you harm to keep obsessing. The deeds are done. He lies so much that he can't stop.
What matters now is what you're going to do based on the TRUE knowledge that he carried on an emotional and physical affair. You already know all you need to. Don't worry about what he said to her regarding you, because a cheater's words are utterly and completely worthless. Cheaters say whatever it takes to get a woman into his bed, like trying to punch in a password to a computer or a combination to open a safe. Flattery, suffering in a marriage, desire, money/gifts, or even the position in a job are all tools for a cheater to use.
As hard as it is now, your mind needs to switch gears from trying to find every sordid word and every sweaty encounter to what you're going to do next:
Do you have children? Are you going to divorce him? Are you looking to continue the marriage? Will there be counseling? Do you know intimately your family's financial particulars? Do you know how he hid the money spent on her, if any?
Find a good best friend or trusted family member (YOUR family, not his) and get together to find out your next move. If you're looking to separate or divorce, you're going to need a good lawyer. Now is the time to stop focusing obsessively on your husband's actions and onto yourself. You may also want a counselor or therapist for yourself to help deal with the horrific emotions you're going through.
You already know he's a lying cheater. Trying to dig up every word he's spoken or texted won't change the outcome. All the rest is static to assuage your pain and your ego. Absolutely I understand why! I know what it's like to be cheated on, and believe me, I've never felt a feeling of my heart physically shattering like I did in that moment.
You will have time to mourn your relationship. But now you must look forward into the steps you're GOING to take, rather than the obsession with every single detail of your husband's cheating, including trying to get to the bottom of every lie, and every time he had sex, and everything he ever said to her.
Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this. It breaks my heart whenever I read posts like yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I don't think the big point is how many times they had actual intercourse, they WERE (are) romantically and emotionally invested in each other if they have fired off more then 500 explicit messages in a month.
Which means he would rather live in this "fantasy world" with HER then work on whatever was/is wrong in your relationship. I'm not saying your relationship is broken, but I don't really think people DO that if they are perfectly happy with their life/relationship/partner. Again not laying the blame at your feet either, just a little food for thought. Could be that he didn't get a promotion and "she" made him feel like he is on top of the world, whereas at home you no longer put him up on that pedestal he wants to be on, because you KNOW him.
He will continue to lie to you (or feign that he can't "remember" - which is bullshit and you know it) because it makes HIM look bad and feel bad and for whatever dumbass reasoning he thinks that if you don't know the whole truth it won't HURT you either.
Honestly, I think you need to figure out what you want from him and what you want for yourself - do you want to stay with a guy who does things like this and who thought it was perfectly OK for him to do this? Or is this a dealbreaker.
Even if the texts are not strictly sexual I don't think you are going to feel better about it.
I'm sorry :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionResponse to chigirl, thanks for your advice. Its just that it happened so long, that I find myself trying to figure out what was I doing? Where was I? What did I think he was doing? I am considering reading the texts at this point to see if he is willing to be completely honest and tell me the truth to the qestions I ask. It will change the whole situation if he still isnt being completely honest, because to me, that means it can happen again if he is still hiding something
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 "So my question for the men (cause I need a honest male opinon) how reasonable is it to think that they sent over 500 sexually explicit messages in a month, that they were only together twice?"
As a woman with an intuition, I'd say no.. not probable. You know this, that's why you question it. And whether they had sex this or that many times, he still had an ongoing affair with her. An affair isn't just when it becomes physically sexual, and affair is also these texts, the flirting, the hidden contact and the ongoing communication. He had an affair with her that lasted for months. It does not matter then how many times he had sex with her. It wasn't a one night stand on a drunken night out with some random woman.. If that was the case, then the number of occasions it happened would be of interest. But this is something quite different. This is an ongoing affair. The betrayal then is the same, whether he had sex with her 50 times or just once. Whether he kissed her on a daily basis, or just once. Because the sexual content was there in other ways, through communication, language, texts, body language, intent. He PLANNED to go see her, planned to talk to her, planned when and how to meet her. How far up her thigh his hands went is then irrelevant, just as irrelevant as how often his hand went up there. Because he, for every single day during the time he communicated with her, had the intent to do this. So, you could say, he had sex with her every single day. Because that was his intent. As proven by his extensive contact with her. As proven by the language of the texts. As proven by the actual occasions where they did have sex. He had the intent to have sex with her. How many times he did it then becomes irrelevant, because every day he was planning on doing it.
I'm sorry that this happened, but remember.. He's the one who messed up and didn't value you or your marriage. He's the one who put an end to things and he's the one who made this happen. If you decide to leave him, it isn't YOU who is leaving. Leaving is just a consequence of HIS actions. Cheating is a deal breaker. Perhaps, just perhaps, forgivable if it happened only once and there was regret. But an ongoing affair shows that this lasted for a period, there was an emotional involvement, the betrayal was extended, and there is no remorse. This could have lasted for years if you hadn't found out.
Don't spend your time thinking on how many times they had sex. He betrayed you. That's what you need to deal with. It is a massive betrayal, regardless of how many times they had sex. I hardly see how him having had sex with her "only" twice could somehow make this any easier than if he had sex with her 50 times or 100 times. He cheated on you every single time he sent her a text message. That's 30-60 times A DAY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, its the other way around. It would mean more to me if these were everyday messages. Because that means it was more that just sex. He tells me that it was all BS and all were about sex. I feel I need to know if he was into her. I mean this girl lives close to my home and now I am trying to figure out what he was telling her that had her so smitten for 2 months. I need to know if what he is saying is the truth so I can move forward.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I don't think reading the text will help you, really I don't. It will make you feel much worse, I can almost guarantee you. It will make no difference with regards to what happened, he will still have cheated on you and betrayed your trust and broken your marriage vows, and in all honestly, does it matter whether they had sex two times (most likely a lie, like everything else) or two hundred times? Cheating is cheating, and he didn't even have a drunken one night stand (NOT that that is acceptable in any way, but the feelings around it are different), he had a full-blown affair. He's lied to you so much until now, that he'll probably just continue but he'll cover his tracks better. Or he'll leave you for her. He sounds like the type of person who's not sorry he did it but sorry he got caught. My personal opinion is that you should divorce him, because he cannot be trusted and didn't love and respect you enough to stay faithful, but it's up to you. Some people can work through and get past infidelity, but only if both parties are totally honest about everything that's happened and their feelings, and by the sounds of it he's not even being honest with you now when you know (most of) the truth, so I don't really see how you're going to be able to work things out. I would leave him before he leaves you or cheats on you again. I totally understand why you want to know what's in the messages, but I really think that seeing them will tear you apart more. You already know enough, you don't need to know every juicy or banal detail of the affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): OP I think you're missing the point here a bit in your confusion like somehow the texts are only significant if they're sexual. That's not the case. Even if he was just asking her how her day at work went that's a woman he is having an affair with, he wasn't just asking a random friend how their day at work was he was asking a woman he fancied, had a hard-on for how her day was because he was having an affair with her.
OP 30-60 texts a day is hours of contact a day. Seeing as they slept together then those texts weren't innocent and friendly even if you found that a lot of them were about the price of milk.
He's been having an affair for a month and a half. He then lied about it. He then lied about that lie. he then got caught up in another lie, you then caught him lying about another detail.
OP why does it matter if he's still lying or not? Will everything be okay if it turns out they weren't sexual? Really? So forget about the fact that he was shagging her and in close contact with her the whole time, only if he's lying this time after the 40 lies he just told he's bad?
Look I understand the pain you feel right now is so immense that you're grasping at any way you can see past it. But what is on those texts is irrelevant, whether he's still lying is irrelevant he's already lied about everything else, he's already cheated on you and this situation is already fucked to the point where you need to figure out what you're going to do.
Right now you need to figure that out, not look for more signs that he's a cheating asshole. You already know he's a lying cheat, so now you need to know what you're going to do.
What will change by knowing what is in those texts? You think talking about how sexy she is is worse than hoping she has a good day? Not when he's shagged her a few times it isn't.
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