A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, you know how people like to use the term "friendzone" in situations when girls only see guys as friends? Well, i'm the opposite. I'm a 25 yo girl and find that most guys see me as a buddy or undateable. I've gone on dates with guys but nothing serious ever happened. At times, I didn't like the few guys who liked me but that's a different story. Well, I'm trying to figure out why guys see me as friends. Some possible reasons: I'm independent, sporty, tall for a girl, average looks, shy (not that good at flirting)... I'm not the girly kinda girl yet I'm not loud/talkative. Anyone gone through similar issues or have any advice to share?
View related questions:
flirt, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 October 2017):
 Don't change for anyone, because if you pretend to be someone you are not then you will be building things on a lie. It could be a million things why you are being friend zoned but the good thing to remember is that they want to be your friend so things can't all be that bad.
Try and show interest more. If you like a guy then tell him or try and show him. Sometimes men are slow and literally need to have it spelled out to them that you like them.
Off course it can be frustrating if you are looking for love and you are not finding it, but remember you are still young so have fun. Go on lots of dates, get lots off practice, just be open, honest and yourself and if it doesn't work out then it was not meant to be, some day you will find someone who likes you for who you are. Work on yourself, your shyness and your confidence it will make the world off difference, good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2017): Hi! I already gave advice, but wanted to follow up regarding how guys are visual. Yes make an extra effort to look nice but make sure you are still yourself and comfortable. People can tell when you’re not comfortable in your clothes.
I also say this because as long as your clothes flatter your body, you don’t need to necessarily dress in tight or “sexy” clothes. I’ve seen plenty of “simple” girls in shirts and sneakers get guys....
Examples are best: I have a another friend who goes out of her way to wear tight sexy short dresses FOR MEN (so she’s not herself) and then wonders why she can’t get serious men after her. Yeah there's some sexism here, but my point is keep it simple and dress up in a way that flatters you but is also your style.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 October 2017):
Guys are highly visual, especially those around your age. Dress fresh, stylish and sexy. Keep yourself well groomed and made up. Research hair styles and perhaps get some consultation on which ones are best for you. Women have so many ways of making themselves beautiful. I can't tell you how many times I've drooled watching an otherwise ordinary looking woman dressed in high-heel knee boots and tight jeans walk by, especially tall ones like you! If you're out in as situation where you don't know anyone, look confident, like you own the room and don't need any of the guys in it.
One thing you don't mention is whether you spend time in places where you might find men, such as classes, community service and such. You want exposure to a large population of men...good ones, so stay out of bars.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 October 2017):
Hi Op,
Men will see you as YOU see yourself. If you believe you are a buddy rather than a babe...that is what you will project outward, and that is what we see...a buddy.
You have what we need...but if you don't give us something to chase after, we won't.
Do you know how to flirt? How to look at a man, so that he would crawl over broken glass to get you?
You would be amazed that changing simple things you do every day could make a big difference.
Do me three favours however...DO Not rush into any relationship. DO NOT have sex with a guy to get him to like you. He will end up liking free sex, and not you.
Wait a minimum of 3 to 6 months before sex. If he is not willing to wait or tries to pressure you for sex...You run the other way.
See if you can find the movie..."Memoirs of a Geisha" There are some little tips in there that can help. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2017): It could be anything.... you need to consult with trusted friends to get their assessment. Case in point, I have a friend who is also tall, tomboy-ish, pretty- and she has the same problem, she gets friend zoned. But the thing is I’ve seen her in “action” so I can say it’s bevause she gets shy, clams up, and doesn’t say a word! I notice guys get bored, then tend to move on to find more “interesting” girls. I don’t think looks are necessarily going to be the deciding factor when there are tons of pretty girls here, so it doesn’t matter she’s gorgeous. And the truth is she is actually a really quirky and fun person! So I feel guys don’t get to really know her.... We’ve talked so she knows and she’s working on it. Based on what I’ve learned from her, I think just concentrate on being fun and yourself, dress up for the date. And check in with friends! Good luck :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2017): It's my experience as a male (and a human being) that before I found someone who is truly romantically-attracted to me; I had to go through a series of people who were only interested in getting to know me as a person. If there was any other type of chemistry between us, we took it from there. It doesn't always turnout as desired.
Sometimes it's me, and sometimes it's them. Such is life!
Love is evasive and you can't strike that emotion in just anybody you choose. It's a two-way connection that happens out of nowhere. I was walking down a beach; while on a family-vacation at 17 years-old. I met a guy my age, who became a pen-pal. Eventually, he became my life-partner for 28 years. He died of cancer; so I had to go about life, and just enjoy meeting people and dating. It was never a mission to find a replacement. I enjoyed myself; and yes, I made some friends. Don't search for love, love finds you!
If you can make friends, you will eventually find someone who is looking for more. It's a good sign!
It took nearly five years after being pen-pals before my partner and I discovered other feelings for each other. We dated girls, and had girlfriends while in college. Also while I served in the military. It was later, we saw each other as the men we loved. We became partners, and I loved him very much. I was fortunate that he loved me just as much!
The most common problem among millennials is patience. Wanting everything now, and expecting love to come instantly on demand. No delays or problems along the way. Push-button love, right this instant! This sense of entitlement and urgency causes a lot of frustration; and results in making bad-choices in haste. Life has no dials, buttons, touch-screens, or levers. It comes only in organic and raw-form.
It is borrowed-time until you die.
The good that comes of that is; you gain experience, and a fat-dose of reality.
Once you've lived long enough; you will find love and romance doesn't happen because you insist on it. You can want it all you like. It takes patience, perseverance, and self-love. There's nothing wrong with being a "friend." Being an enemy, or a reject, is really what you want to avoid.
You can't dictate how people should feel about you; yet you can be a great person all the same. When all the right events in your life fall into place, and destiny warrants it; we find someone special, who might be the person whom we become romantically-attached to. It is then, that the laws of nature may allow that special-person to reciprocate those feelings. It might happen many times over a life-time!
Being a great person is an assurance you will find what you need and deserve. It's but a matter of time. Treasure isn't lying about to be found by just anyone. Prepare yourself! Enjoy your life and your youth. Be grateful of your blessings and talents. Do the things you like, giveback to others; and love finds its way in.
Then we must also prepare for life to present challenges and obstacles that will test the endurance of those romances. Some are simply pretrial-romances, with expiration-dates. Not meant to last. Necessary to test our ability to trust, to love, and to learn how to maintain a working-relationship. We'll discover our faults and weaknesses in keeping a mate. We are tested for having what it takes to make people want to be with us. To want to remain willingly.
Just because one particular guy doesn't want you; doesn't have anything to do with your appeal or magnetic-attraction to others.
Be a victim and pass blame; or believe in yourself. I'm sick of sexist-stereotyping by both genders!
Everybody wants love, but everyone doesn't treat love right when they get it. They are clingy, possessive, controlling, they smother people; or they want love without giving trust (or earning it). Many set high-standards they can't meet themselves; and the vast majority have unrealistic expectations. Don't take what you can't give in return.
There is a rampant epidemic of insecurities or narcissism out there. Most of it comes from too much exposure to social media, over-use of digital-devices; and piss-poor-parenting. Many people lack social graces and have no clue what good interactive and communication skills are. They're not something required on a job-application. They are tools for survival; and essential for successful connections between human beings. If someone ready to hire you demands this of you, why shouldn't someone offering you their heart?
Many are seeking Hollywood-movie love-affairs, and childish crap conjured-up in fairy-tales. Far from reality. So you've got to go through a series of failures, trail-relationships, and invitations to the "friend-zone;" until you hit the jackpot. It could take years. Maybe only weeks! Who knows?
Girlfriend, everything you've described; most of us will, or have been through. It's not just you. It's not just women either!
Those guys want what you want. They just don't want it with you; but they like you all the same for what you offer them. It's also a matter of preference; which sometimes is not likely to be the type of woman/person you are. That is abundantly the case for most people unlucky in love. Wanting an "ideal-type" over the best-suited and most compatible personality. We all have a prototype and set criteria; but love doesn't always fulfill it to the letter. We don't always make it on the first try; so keep trying. You're supposed to date for the fun of it! Not be on some mission, or a manhunt. Don't take yourself too seriously!
The reason guys have more fun dating; is because we try to enjoy freedom and variety first. Then we settle-down. We're labeled commitment-phobic, irresponsible, promiscuous, or childish; because a male is not easy to pin-down. So be it. It happens when we're good and ready. Like it or not! Nice guys also complain that they try and get friend-zoned too! Why? Because the bad-guys get there first; because girls like the bad-boys better! The nice-guys must contend with what's left behind by the bad-guys. It ain't pretty!
In general, we want to appease our egos; and appeal to our vanity, before we seek people we actually care for. Overlooking what is beneath or behind what we see. It takes time and experience to develop the mindset to seek a match based on character and compatibility. Not only to please our eyes and fantasies. That's what our youth and dating is for. Then we grow-up, and get down to the nitty-gritty.
As a female, your expected life-span is to about 88-plus years. You will have a string of relationships (good and bad); and eventually marriage(s). Marriage might last, or end too soon. Either by death, or irreconcilable-differences. God only knows!
Be patient. Actually, you have no choice. So deal with it.
Your attitude sends out a vibe that projects what you feel about yourself. If it is negative or insecure; it creates uncertainty to people who want to avoid "complicated" relationships. It's easy to tell someone who will be a handful to deal with; it shows during the dating process.
You can decide there is just something wrong with all men; or you can keep searching for the right-guy. It's up to you.
Enjoy friendship. If a guy places you there, you have the option to reject that position; and move on until you find exactly what you deserve, and whom you're looking for.
...............................
A
male
reader, Konski  +, writes (15 October 2017):
You're not undateable, nobody is, you just need to find the right guy. It could also be that during these dates you didn't flirt like a typical girl so these guys didn't read the signs correctly and just assumed that you weren't interested in them that way, couple that with shyness and hey presto you're now seen as just a friend.My advice, meet other guys who like your not so typical girly girl, you say you're sporty so look for guys who share that interest. Also remember that guys are idiots who can't read subtle signs very well, you need to be blunt with most of them. It's ok if you're not good at flirting, nobody is when they first start out. Just have fun with them, be yourself and if you've met the right guy things will hit off naturally. Everyone has their own style of flirting, it's obvious that it didn't work on the guys you met, hence why they didn't make any serious moves.I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck with finding the right guy for you :)
...............................
A
male
reader, VitaminZ +, writes (15 October 2017):
I don't know enough about you to give you great advice, but most guys won't friend zone a girl unless they're not attracted to them. Something you're doing is putting them off. Maybe you're a bit of a tom boy? Guys tend to like girly girls, any chance you could bend on that? Being shy and average shouldn't stop a guy from pursuing you, but you gotta put yourself out there (dating sites maybe). If you're really tall, you might have to make the first move because guys might find you intimidating. Good luck.
...............................
|
