A
female
age
36-40,
*auren12210
writes:Okay I need to know answersfrom men an women! Men do you all watch porn? Me an my boyfriend of 6 years has had this issue I the past year I found him lookin at porn. So it hurts that he has to look at other women it's not like he's watching a video for the act! Would any man give up porn for " the love of your life" ? Women, are you okay with your man watching porn? I've gained a little bit of weight since I had two kids. Do you try an make him stop or just give up ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2012):
 Yep what Cerberus says
he won't mind that you look at porn or get off on it.
and just because you have two kids with a man does not mean you have to stay in a marriage....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): "I hope he gets hurt when he finds out"
He won't OP, all that will happen is you lose your moral high ground in the argument. He'll basically be able to say you have no right to complain about it anymore because you use it too.
OP someone who uses porn obviously doesn't see anything wrong with it, it's very doubtful he'll see anything wrong with you using it.
If he's pushed you away then two kids is not a good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship OP.
Besides if porn is so bad why are you using it? It mustn't be that bad if you're using it to get off. Are you really using it as a form of petty revenge? Forget for one moment that it's just going to backfire, what makes you better than him? Nothing, you're being spiteful and making to problem worse, and you will completely lose the moral high ground. Who the hell is going to sympathize with a person who stoops so low as to try and intentionally hurt their partner who most likely never intended to hurt them in the first place. He uses it because he sees nothing wrong with it, not specifically to hurt you, you're using it to specifically hurt him. Which is worse?
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female
reader, lauren12210 +, writes (15 April 2012):
lauren12210 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've been lied to for years about it! I treat him how I he treats me I now look at porn with men an I hope he gets hurt when he finds out he's pushed me away but we do have two kids so ...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): I often look at internat porn, and my wife reads Literotica occasionally. She had a bigger collection of porn when I met her than I ever did. She worked in an adult store (the nicer ones that sell lingere, not a "porn" shop. So we are both OK with it as long as we focus on each other as much as possible.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2012):
Personally I'm okay with it. I even watch it myself sometimes. And yes, of course people watch it for the act. They certainly don't watch it for the people. If all men need to get off is a hot girl I'd find a collection of Jessica Alba bikini pictures on his computer instead.
This thread has (as expected) grown like weed, because there are some people with really strong, negative views on porn. That's their prerogative of course but I find it a bit too much.
That said, there is bad porn out there, where it looks like the woman is being raped rather than enjoying herself. If I would catch my man looking at that kind of porn where it looks like a person is having sex without their consent--which would mean he's on dodgy sites rather than reputable sources-- we would definitely have a problem. Not because it's porn, but because it would mean he's getting off at viewing someone else getting hurt and violated. That, to me is a deal breaker.
But the free stuff you find on virus free sites doesn't fall in the above category. It also really depends on what you look for. Those looking for a video showing sex with two consenting adults will not find the offensive stuff. Therefore I don't have a problem with it.
Of course, I'm saying this because my sex life is good and porn doesn't undermine it. I'm confident and content with how I look. You seem insecure and unhappy about how you look. Don't underestimate the impact an attitude like that makes. It takes away a lot of the attraction.
So instead of immediately putting the blame on him and demanding him to change, look at yourself too. Don't put your lack of confidence on porn if your man's usage of it isn't excessive (by excessive I mean how alcoholics are excessive with their drinks). Your insecurity would probably still be there without porn and you would blame something else for it.
And of course talk to him about it. But if you really want him to change, you have to make him walk in your shoes, and ask for him to look at it from your POV while you describe your feelings. Don't make this about porn because if he disagrees with you he'll just think you're whining. So make it about your feelings. People will only change when they have gained serious insight.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 This came from speaking to lawyers prepping for a trial about working conditions on porn sets and whether the producers could be held accountable for knowingly spreading STDs and causing harm to porn performers, not talking about BDSM or people's sex lives. In most states in the US it is not legal to consent to being harmed or with the exception of doctors and contact sports. It's been ruled on MANY times by state supreme courts that people cannot consent to injury or harm. It usually comes up when someone is tried for murder during what was consensual asphyxiation or when consensual BDSM winds up in a hospital visit. Last I checked spanking rarely results in physical harm or injury. If BDSM results in injury, the person causing injury cannot claim consent as a defense for causing harm. This doesn't come up because a couple occasionally gets a little rough. If BDSM does not result in injury, no one cares what happens in people's bedrooms. But if someone injures someone else, it is still assault consent or no consent.A couple doing things in their own bedroom is a VERY different circumstance than porn performers being hurt. Unless you wind up in the hospital, your sex life has nothing to do with what I was talking about. It's an entirely different circumstance to wonder if porn performers can legally consent to be injured and hurt. It's largely an issue of when a porn performer is hurt on sex, for instance rough sex resulting in a distended rectum, can the producer be held accountable and if so, why aren't they being held accountable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): There are some great stats and education on the harmful effects of pornography here if you're interested: www.fightthenewdrug.org
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Yes, Person12345, it is legal in many places to submit to being "physically hurt" and as long as it is between two CONSENTING ADULTS, it is perfectly fine. You may not "get it", but you don't have to. You should keep your opinions about what other people do in the privacy of their own relationship to yourself, especially if you're not 100% sure what you're talking about.Yes, slapping and gagging can be violent. Just as sex can be rape. Not all sex is rape, although all rape is sex. Do you understand my meaning? Just because I like it when my husband spanks me and I consent to it DOES NOT MAKE IT WRONG. I am consenting to that treatment, because I enjoy it and it makes us both happy. How is that wrong? No one is hurting you when my husband and I have sex. So how does this affect YOU or anyone else in any way? It doesn't. So to stick your nose in and say that he's being violent and it's wrong is ignorant and hateful at best.You don't have to enjoy it or understand it. What you have to do is accept that between consenting adults, your opinions mean absolutely nothing. If you don't like it, don't do it, but to tell consenting adults that you are not even involved intimately with that their own sexual preferences that have NOTHING to do with you is wrong would be the same as a heterosexual person telling a gay person that they're "sick". It's bigoted and narrow minded, not based on facts.BDSM is legal in many places around world so long as all parties involved are of legal age, consenting, sober, and other guidelines that would take too long to list. It's different in each area of world, the law varies in many places. The facts are this: When consenting adults get together and both consent to do things with each other, you have no right to tell them that what they're doing is "degrading". Keep out of people's bedrooms. It's none of your business.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (23 January 2012):
Slapping turns some people on. OK so if something turns someone on suddenly it's totally exempt from critique? If degrading and humiliating women turns someone on, it's OK so long as it's arousing? If someone gets off on watching realistic rape videos, it's A-OK despite epidemic levels of actual rape and sexual assault? Just because something is arousing doesn't give it a free pass. Slapping and gagging are still violent regardless of how many people it arouses. You know you're not legally allowed to consent to being hurt, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): "It's not a question of seeing naked women. It's a question of seeing naked women being beaten, slapped, spat upon, gagged with a penis, urinated upon, gangraped, called a whore etc. It's not about watching sex. It's about watching abuse and getting turned on by it"
slapping, spitting, urine, and name calling actually need to be taken off ur list...
slapping turns some ppl on... and doesnt kill anyone
spitting.. same... urine..gross, but its actually a safe sex act.
Some girls like being talked to dirty... so calling a girl a whore... doesnt actually mean u think shes one.
Abuse is subjective. It really depends on the specific people.
OP: i think you are over reacting. It's quite normal, why dont you try asking him WHY he has all of that?
Don't say: why do you have these pics, arent I enough????
just say: why do you want to have these pics?
Get an honest answer... and see if its something you can put up with.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2012):
There is NOTHING wrong with the OP! NOTHING aT ALL.
There are just differing views on what is and is not acceptable.
I happen to be a rare minority. I have no issues with porn nor do I have issues with sharing my partner as long as permission is given in advance... and it's JUST Physical.
I KNOW that lots of women are trafficked in porn and prostitution and my feelings on that are similar to most women on the topic....
BUT I do not know that 90% of the porn on the internet is violence.... I am sure there is some and I am sure that some people do not like it while others do.
Pictures of naked women on my partners phone? that would not bother me unless he was the one taking the pictures and I found out about it after the fact... that would be lying and cheating.
downloading naked women pictures to his phone would not bother me.... I do not care where my man gets his appetite as long as he eats at home.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 January 2012):
OP, you are not "screwed" if you have problems with having naked women on your phone, I don't know many women who would be OK with that. You are not alone as like I said, over 60% of women hate porn and do not want it in their relationships. You have the right to demand a porn-free relationship, you even have the right to demand your partner stop if he wants to remain with you, but you do not have the ability to make him stop. The problem is, most men have spent a heck of a long time getting in the habit of using porn, and it's very difficult to change a frequent habit. It's like asking someone to give up coffee.Most men when confronted with this get highly defensive because to some level, they know they are hurting their partners, but have become so accustomed to using porn they just can't even fathom life without it. For many men in our generation they've basically been brought up on it, it was probably their first sexual experiences. It's basically asking them to give up their long time mistress.You need to get him to talk to you about it WITHOUT getting emotional. If either of you gets angry or you get upset, take a breather, go step into another room for 5-10 minutes. Before you talk to him you need to write out exactly why his porn use is incompatible with you being able to feel intimate/close with him. Bullet points are good, and tell him why it hurts YOU not what you think he is doing wrong. The key here is to make sure he doesn't get defensive. I know couples counseling can sound daunting, like it's only for other, more dysfunctional couples, but it's really not. The point is basically to have a translator and mediator. So if you can, I'd HIGHLY recommend couples counseling. If he won't talk or go to counseling, it's sort of game over.This idea that men need to constantly imagine other women sexually or they die is silly. The whole thing of undressing just about everyone you meet mentally and constantly just thinking about sex is what researchers call sexual preoccupancy, a side-effect of watching a lot of porn especially through adolescence. Mentally undressing people in public, wondering what they look like having sex, etc... is the number one negative side-effect that porn causes in adolescents. It goes away if someone gives up porn for awhile. The more porn someone watches, the more likely they are to exhibit that behavior.If most men are horrified by violence in porn then why does close to 90% (88.2%) of mainstream porn contain it? The most common acts are gagging and slapping. Why does almost all heterosexual porn contain anal sex, something somewhere around 80% of women find painful? It's really more of a subliminal message because in most cases where violent acts are shown, the women respond neutrally to it. While I agree most men aren't watching scenes that look like rape, one could argue it's sending a much worse message to viewers when a woman experiences some sort of violent/painful/unpleasant act and either ignores it or responds positively. That sends the message that it's OK to treat women like that because they like it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2012):
Banshee I am not sure what porn you are watching but none of that is what's being watched at our home.
Granted it's not love, flowers and romance and it's not soft porn, but there's no bondage, no abuse being portrayed...
occasional butt spanking...
never spitting on a woman
gagging with a penis? not seen
no tying up
no gang rapes
no abuse in our porn......
there are different porn flavors you know...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): Banshee I don't know what world you live in but most guys are horrified by that crap and not turned on by it and it is a question of seeing naked women, read her follow up before you go on a vicious rant of baseless bullshit. Her specific problem is about her boyfriend having naked pictures on his phone. Why bother post that kind of vitriolic bullshit if you're not going to at least even pretend to answer the OP's question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): Is it really that strange a concept to you that a lot of us guys like to look at naked women? Some people like cars, they wear hats with the ferrari logo on it, they have pictures of cars on their phone and could literally stand in front of a beautiful car and caress it and look at it all day, others like sport and won't leave the house without a t-shirt of their favourite team, etc. Well believe it or not OP there are guys that quite like to look at women naked and regardless of what the feminists want to believe there is nothing wrong with that. Artists have been painting the nude female form since we figured out how to make dirt stick to something and draw a picture.
OP this isn't him looking at them lusting after them and wishing he had them, naked women look beautiful and they stimulate nice things in most guys brains.
If a car fanatic has a classic austin martin, his dream car, the most beautiful car he has ever had and the one he'll love more than any other do you think he's going to stop looking at other cars or notice them? OP we guys aren't built to only ever think of and look at one girl. Sure we can go our entire lives only wanting to be with, loving and being wholly devoted to one but that does not mean we're not going to notice other women. Most women I know aren't like that either OP, they like to say they are then all of a sudden their gushing over a hot male movie star in a romantic movie, walking out of the water topless or something. That's not different, you may like to think it is somehow because he's not naked but it's the exact same thing, we don't want these women we like to look at them.
He doesn't have to OP look, he likes to and unless he's blind you can't expect him not to either. Okay maybe having naked pictures on the phone makes you uneasy, well you're screwed then OP because when he sees a hot woman he is likely mentally undressing her and may even be imagining what sex would be like with her. If you have a hot sister he's probably popped one out to her mental image too.
At the end of the day you can ask him to delete those pics but what are you going to do about the rest? Are you going to try and control all his other thoughts too. Are you going to make sure he never goes to the beach, or goes to a club where women are pretty much naked too. Are you going to block his eyes anytime a nude female comes on to the screen while watching a movie too? If not then why not? He's looking at that naked woman too, why is that acceptable but pics on his phone isn't?
Would it be okay if they weren't naked, they were in bikinis in those pics or they're were fully clothed in suggestive poses? What's your limit here OP?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 January 2012):
I'm female and 51 years old my partner is 38 and male.
He watches porn
I have and will watch it with him.
I am pretty sure that when we watch it's not for the women but for the act.
as to what you should do... if it's a deal breaker for you then you have to let him know this. I would personally never run the risk of losing a man I love because he watches porn (unless the porn use is instead of and not in addition to you and him being sexual)
Note that I'm 13 yrs older than my partner... when we met it was pre-reconstructive surgery and he still found me desirable... two kids and a few extra pounds may be a problem in your mind but not his... have you asked him?
I do not believe that my man sits and compares my body to the porn stars... nor does he prefer them to me... they are just take out... he can get his appetite anywhere he likes as long as he eats at home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Yes both me and my boyfriend watch porn, often together. It not only can get you aroused but you can also get some interesting ideas. I wouldnt get annoyed at him, to them its pretty meaningless like money to a bank worker. I initially wasn't too happy about my boyfriend watching porn but once I joined him in it I didn't mind =)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Thanks for all of your answers but it's not like he watches a video he only looks at pictures of naked women on his phone which makes it so hard. But then again I don't even know if he downloads videos an watches them it just pisses me off that I feel like he has to look at other women. That's almost worse to me that he just looks at pictures an we have sex often it's not like I dont have a sex drive so he needs to watch it
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (19 January 2012):
Yes, my husband watches porn.Yes, I watch porn.Yes, I am okay with both.Sometimes we watch porn together. It does not negatively affect our relationship and never has.It's a masturbation tool, much like was mentioned below me, like a vibrator. It enhances the enjoyment of masturbation. It's only unhealthy if it takes the place of a normal sex life.Your insecurities are your own and have nothing to do with your partner. If you make demands on him, you will make him resent you. If his porn viewing isn't taking your place in his life as his main source of sexual satisfaction, then you have no right to demand he stop since it is not harming you or him in any way. It would be better for you to let him go and find a man who did not watch porn at all, rather than to try and change a perfectly normal and healthy aspect of his life just because YOU have emotional issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): I don't watch porn myself, I don't like it, but I have no problem with my boyfriend watching it as long as it isn't a case of him substituting our sex life with his watching porn. He knows and respects that I don't like it and the only thing I have asked is that he not have it on when I am there as I don't want to see it. That works well for us. He is not addicted to it though, he just uses it to help him get off when he needs to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): I just want to add. Porn addiction is a real thing that can be a problem. If he's choosing porn over your sexual needs then that's an issue, and no I'm not talking about that 'I would do it for him any time he wants, why does he need it?" bullshit, there is no chance in hell any woman is going to run to jerk us off any time we ask, it's not feasible when we do it once or twice a day and then also have sex later on.
If you don't like it then you'll have to find a compromise, you can demand he stops but if he doesn't what then? I think it's easier for women to go find a guy who doesn't use it. Or you can try reprogramming his brain like person12345 suggests and force him to think things your way. Personally I wouldn't date a woman who makes such demands, I am how I am, I like what I like and I don't hide the fact I like porn from any girl I date. I go beyond the call of duty when it comes to sexually satisfying my girlfriends, porn has never had a negative impact on any part of how I treat the girls I'm with and it's never been me looking at another woman. So to me there is no problem.
But if any of the above things are being negatively effect in your relationship, if his porn use is having a bad effect on other parts of your relationship then it's a problem.
Saying that if this hurts you because you think he's less attracted to you then you're wrong, it's not about that and there are far more beautiful women out there than porn stars to look at in that regard anyway.
If you feel threatened by porn then I'm afraid that's your problem OP. Most guys would never go near a porn star.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Yes I watch it.
"it's not like he's watching a video for the act!"
Actually that's exactly why we're watching it. OP if we want to masturbate to beautiful women we'll just turn on the TV and or grab one of your magazines with pictures of celebrities in bikinis.
Porn is a masturbation aid for most of us OP, nothing else. It has the same meaning and emotional attachment as a vibrator. My girlfriend watches it too for the same purposes. Neither of us are looking at other people, we're watching sex. If we wanted to look another woman we could just masturbate to dancing on ice, or a pop music video or something.
"Would any man give up porn for " the love of your life" ?"
I would never need to because I've never dated a woman who had a problem with it and if I did, she just would never know I use because I'd keep it well hidden so it wouldn't be an issue.
"Women, are you okay with your man watching porn?"
Mine is because she knows it's not about the women in it, it's about watching sex. She knows it's nothing to do with wanting other women or her level of attraction.
"I've gained a little bit of weight since I had two kids."
That has nothing to do with it really. Unless it has made you completely lose your sex drive.
"Do you try an make him stop or just give up?"
That's up to you but it rarely works because most of guys just don't understand why you feel that way. We look at other women all the time OP what difference does it make if they're having sex. Do you think we're not imagining having sex with Jessica Alba or other such beautiful star when see them in a movie in a bikini? OP porn is a masturbation aid that's all, if you ask us to stop you ask us to start using our imagination and we simply will not always think of you when masturbating. Any guy who says that he only ever thinks about his partner while masturbating is a liar.
Porn is the same thing to us as a vibrator is to a woman. We can either spend 10-15 minutes getting warmed up and masturbate or we turn on a porn and be done in a minute or so. it's a visual aid. Whether you want to get jealous of that is up to you. We're going to have to use something to wank to, and you're not always going to be the inspiration for that. My girlfriend personally prefers that I use porn because she knows that way at least I will be masturbating about a random girl I'll never meet. It's not uncommon for us guys to fantasize about the women in our lives OP, your sister, cousin, that hot girl in the deli we get our coffee in. My girl prefers it's not one of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): if it doesn't impact me negatively, then I have no problem with him watching it. Only if he makes it into a problem for me, then would I not be OK with it.
What I define as "impacting me" and him making it into a problem for me:
- if he were to get pushy with me to do things I don't want
- if he were to get turned off to me
- if he were to get disappointed with me when I haven't changed but because I'm not like other women
- putting me down by comparing me to other women
but realize these negative things can and do also happen in a relationship even without the guy watching porn at all.
I would also not be OK with it IF he was into violent kind of porn or really disturbing sick stuff which I would consider symptoms of mental illness for someone to be sexually turned on by that.
but if it's just him watching normal sex acts that I don't consider deviant or violent, the kind of stuff I wouldn't mind doing myself or which I enjoy doing myself, then I don't see any problem with him watching it. why should there be a problem? some times in R-rated mainstream hollywood movies where they show suggestive sex scenes with nudity, do you have a problem with your guy watching that? Do you NOT watch that yourself? so how is it different if the explicitness goes a bit further?
addiction is totally different. Addiction of any kind - whether to alcohol, drugs, painkillers - is very destructive to the person and the relationship. so a real porn addiction is a problem if it means he's stopped going to work, stopped spending any time with you, stopped showering, all because he can't stop watching porn. this is definitely bad and is a sign of mental illness like any other addiction.
but otherwise if it's not an addiction, and it doesn't result in him making problems for me, and it doesn't involve deviant disturbing things which I consider is abnormal for someone to be turned on by, then I have no problem whatsoever with him watching it. Why should there be?? Seriously, please explain why it should be a problem.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2012):
 I've been married for 13 years. My husband watches porn. Not obsessionally, but I know full well that it's a good bet that if I'm out of town, or he's out of town, or I'm off running errands for the day, he'll most likely uhh...partake.
I knew before we married that he did it. We were frank and open about it, and I had to give it a lot of thought. Initially, it bothered me because I perceived it that I could never be "enough" for him. I've since changed how I feel in that aspect.
I personally don't care at all if he's watching, though I insist that I not be confronted with the "evidence" of it, i.e. tons of downloaded videos, magazines all over, pictures on the cell phone, etc. If he watches a video or on the internet, it's discreet. Out of sight out of mind. Not because I'm fragile or it would hurt me, but only because I think it's really gross.
I'd also care if it was illegal porn (i.e. underage/child or bestiality), and if I'm being honest, I'd be bothered if he was into BDSM and liked stuff like hot oil, whips (I'm not talking floggers), and cutting and nipple clamps. That stuff disturbs me, though I don't judge anyone else who's into it. I have a friend who is really into that, but I know I could never do it.
I wouldn't be okay with porn if it interfered with our relationship either. If he was so worn out that he refused sex with me, or pressured me to do something he saw in there that makes me uncomfortable (i.e. blasting my face with semen...I just can't go there and don't want to explain to the E.R. doctor why my eye is horribly infected), or if he wanted me to surgically alter myself or bikini wax myself bald in the nether region (hey! I believe in grooming and trimming, but he needs to rip out all of his own short hairs before even attempting to ask me!)
Other than that, as much as I can't stand watching the Plastic Bombshells doing what they do best, I don't feel threatened by my husband watching it. It's got nothing to do with me, and as long as he's happy, and he's keeping me happy in that department, I'm okay with it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Yes I watch it, and no I don't wish to be having sex with the girls I see in it.
Porn is a masturbation aid. You see stuff that helps you get off quickly. That's all it's good for. I couldn't tell you what a girl looked like in the last porn vid I saw. That's not what it's about. If my girl was there to get me off any time I wanted I'd never bother with porn. But I'm not so selfish to just want to get off without her getting any benefit. And sometimes for her to get any benefit is actually a lot of work. Five or ten minutes with porn is just simple and easy and with no obligations. That's all.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (19 January 2012):
If you want the stats:
70% of men watch (70% of users lie about it.
Around 60% of women don't want their partners watching it, the number increases substantially when the women are shown porn images.
I always recommend couples read through the book The Porn Trap together, as it's the closest thing to counseling. I also recommend this series:
http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/
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