A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a great date with a guy and he asked me out on a second date. We didn't kiss after the first date. The second date however was to take three weeks later as he was going away on business. He said he'd keep in touch but I didn't think he would. He in fact did. He first started to text me and then asked if he could call me. During the three weeks he was away he called me numerous times and we spent hours on the phone, discussing everything. He told me how he wants to settle down, have kids, his ambitions in life and so on. I was happy to talk about all this but I never brought up any of these topics myself. We developed some sort of a 'relationship' over the phone while he was away and at one point he told me he was very comfortable talking to me and had told me things he'd never told anyone. He came back recently and called me straight from the airport to tell me he's back and to ask me out for the next day. We went out, took a walk and had some dinner. He made the first move and kissed me. We got a bit closer, kissing and cuddling but that was about it. Strangely enough he also kissed me on the forehead a few times (I've only found this with guys I've been with for a while). Anyway, he told me to call him the next day, and so I did, just to say hi and see how his day was going. During the conversation he asked me out for the coming weekend and I agreed. As the weekend neared and he didn't call to arrange the date I messaged him and just said hi and made a joke about something we talked about when I saw him last. It took him a few hours to reply and he basically dumped me via text message. He said that what happened between us a few days before had scared him and he's got emotional baggage he hasn't dealt with. He said that although he enjoys my company he's not ready to start a relationship yet, because he's been hurt in the past and isn't ready to trust someone in that way. He then said he wants to stay in touch but understands if I'm upset and don't want to.I haven't called, texted or anything - I just don't know what to reply with as I'm confused.First of all I never brought up the relationship/ exclusivity/committment talk. I was just happy to see him and see what happens, take things slow. He was always the one to bring up talk of future, marriage and kids. I sometimes felt like he was infatuated with me.So what happened here? I thought perhaps he's not attracted to me when he finally got to kiss me but the way he kissed me and kept coming back for more I doubt that was it. He wasn't too sexual about it either but really romantic and tender if that makes sense.I wanted to call him to talk about this but I don't know if I should. He's made it clear he doesn't want me as his girlfriend so what's the point?I just don't believe the "I'm not ready" excuse and "I've been hurt before." So what? If you really like someone you give it a go and see what happens. I've dealt with a lot of stuff myself in the past but I was willing to take a risk and go for it.We're both 25, both in stable careers, he travels often with his job but has bought a property here and was always saying how he's ready to settle down.What do you think happened here? Could I have done anything differently? I really liked him and feel so lost now.What should I do now?I would love the opinions of guys on this one.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Don't get involved with men like him. It sounds wonderful in the beginning but it is very distressing. I'm myself in this situation: this guy met me online, exchanged long emails, very into me. when i gave my number, he just texted me. Over 1 week, i was fed up, and said that i wasn't into texting. He didn't get the hint, and didn't call. so my friends advised me to say to him to call. He did call, conversation lasted 80 seconds, only to book our first date. Never called again. He didn't plan anything for date, walked for almost 4 hours wandering around. I was really upset and nervous. He didn't thank me or anything, so I'll email him wishing good luck. He replied email and continue to text. Never called. Asked me for second date. But before second date, he started being hot and cold. And when he booked second date, it was for a coffee. He squeezed me a coffee date inside a coffee shop, in a sunny Saturday, while his mates were waiting for him in a nice event just 100 meters from where we were. He had a panic attack thinking that i wanted to go to the event, and made every excuse possible. He didn't kiss me hi, and left after 30 minutes. Didn't look me in the eye or anything. During second date, he disclosed some details about his past. Apparently he dated and dates a lot of women at match. He didn't even bother to show that didn't care about my feelings, and didn't smile once. I was gorgeous and cute,wearing nice perfume, nice hair and dress and smiley. I wonder why guys bother to go on dates, if they know that they are not able to move forward. Too much baggage and confusion from their part. I say run.. run as fast as you can. You are the "lucky" one for not going out with him. Better things are in store for you. Good luck for all of us!
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 August 2009):
What happened here is that he's an idiot.
You may not believe in the excuses but he obviously does.
What you do is accept that this is truly his loss and you move on.
There is a chance he'll come round and realise what he's throwing away here.... But why waste your time hoping for that when he might choose to sit and be miserable on his own for the rest of his life?
Move on, and chalk it up to bad luck.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): If you can manage without your feelings getting in the way, then remain friends with him and when he's ready for a relationship, you might be the one he chooses.
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