A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is my first post. I have been in a stable relationship for 10 years. My sex life is nil at the moment and seems unlikely to improve. My partner went off sex during her menopause. She won't talk about problems and defers answering any direct questions.I haven't had sex for more than a year and am turning to porn, and sessions in the shower to get some relief. Now we rarely kiss or touch, and although sleeping in the same bed, don't cuddle.I am at a loss as to know what to do. You can't make people want you. I am quite personable - not overweight - intelligent... She had a much more active sex life than I when she was younger. I was formerly married for 25 years and faithful.Any suggestions. I don't really want to bail out unless she made it clear I wasn't wanted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Emilysanswers again. If I'm honest, and I have questioned myself about that before now, the reason for my monogamous approach to relationships probably has more to do with what I expect from my partner. I don't think I would like my partner sleeping with someone else so therefore, as much as I may fancy someone else, I have to play by the same rules. I'm not a saint.
Perhaps I have to redefine my main relationship. This is a biggy! It's hard to get one's head around the fact that one can be in a stable relationship yet be sleeping with someone else.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 April 2009):
I have suggested this before and people have said that they could just not be unfaithful. Some people are just not built for that kind of thing and if you are a very monogomous person then that's great. Most women out there would kill to have a completely faithful guy. I certainly would never want my man off with someone else while I still have a sex drive, and I may or may not be able to live with it even if I don't have one in later life. I haven't hit that stage yet and will have to see how I feel when I get there. It's a very personal thing.
But as you say, you can't carry on for the next 40 years as a monk.
Only you can make this choice, what works for one certainly does not work for all.
I just wanted to give you the option to think about.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is a lot of good advice in that answer. And I thank you for giving my question full consideration.
Being the sort of person I am, I wouldn't find it easy to have an affair even if my partner knew and colluded. I'm not saying it's impossible but it would take a lot of mental readjustment on my part.
Who knows... Perhaps a whole, brave new world awaits. It may just be 'being adult' and realistic. When I think back to all the opportunities I have turned aside from... This monogamous trait must be so deeply ingrained in me.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 April 2009):
Back in the slightly less liberated times, this is when a man would get a discrete younger mistress and the wife would get new jewellery and new shared hobbies.
I know she refuses to talk about it so my advice is to tell her that you don't want to break up with her but you have to get some sex at some time in the next 40 years of your life.
If she says it's celibacy with her or splitsville, then you may have to make a difficult choice. If she says that she doesn't care what you do then she is basically saying "I don't want to know what you get up to."
As long as your relationship stays strong and you do things together and you kiss her and love her and cherish her then there is no reason you can both not find happiness in different areas.
It's really a question of your personality and where you draw moral lines in your life. If you don't think that this would work for you then that is not a problem. It was just a suggestion.
Other than that she may simply want you to remain friends but split up. If she is not even interested in cuddling you then she may just have reached a point where companionship and someone to occasionally put up a shelf or open a jar is all she is interested in and you could provide that while being her single male friend.
Good Luck!! xx
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