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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 31 years old, married for 8 years with 2 children ages 3 and 1. I am in love with another woman, a brilliant, lovely, sweet woman from Russia living in America named "Elena". I am 100 percent certain that she is my soulmate. I told her that I was not married and she has no idea that I have children as well. I wish now that I had not gotten married in the first place. But I love my children dearly. My wife is a great person, great mother, good wife, but I don't love her. The only true love I have ever known is with "Elena". "Elena" is perfect for me and I feel that I need to be with her. I am terrified to tell her that I'm married with kids. But I know that I must. Yes I have made mistakes. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. To make matters worse, I am in the middle of a long distance move for a new job. My wife and children have gone ahead for 4 weeks while I stay and finish out business at my old job. "Elena" is here. My heart is here as well. What to do????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): Elena, Elena. She's not your soul mate she's your hole mate.
It's an overused term. Your wife is your life mate.
You need to grow up and face your responsibilities , mate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): You were wrong to falsely mislead Elena, your perfect woman,into believing that she was falling for a single and available man.
You did so knowingly. You did what you did because you didn't stop to think about her and only thought of yourself because you knew lying to her gave you the opputunity to have her in your life.
Now look at the pain and confusion you are experiencing. You brought this horrid mess on yourself.
I say it again as it is absolute truth...all lasting relationships are built apon a foundation of honesty.
When you are honest you show just how much of a good and reliable man you are. You show that you have respect for yourself and those around you. You show that you have a good and strong character. You show you have prinicples, standards, values and that you are not afraid to live by them.
This is what all women desire and want from a man they fall in love with. A good, caring, responsible, reliable, hardworking, responsive man.
I don't see anyway out of this mess unless you come out with the truth to your wife FIRST. If you are afraid by me mentioning such a thing then you need to reconsider your affair with "Elena". If you are afraid of letting go of your wife and children then reconsider your affair and end it.
I still will say that you married your wife for reasons and work on your marriage.
After admitting to your wife tell her you are wanting a divorce; you will have some semblance of peace as you finally committed to a decision and then acted on it.
To go to your girlfriend and tell her before your wife is not the best way about it. Women like men of action. You can say pretty words, make promises to Elena but in the end they will be empty words and she will suffer, hurt, anger, and bleed inside over being mislead by someone she loves and trusted. A possible future with Elena rests in your actions and committment to telling your wife and asking for a divorce.
Tell your girlfriend that you are married, you have two children, that you love her and that you are very sorry that you didn't tell her from day one and that it was very selfish of you. Tell her you made a decision and you asked for a divorce because you choose her if she can forgive you and work with you.
If you can not do this in this order; then it is just that, an affair and you made a good woman into a cheap plaything.
You have to understand that she will struggle with her love for you as you have put her very own value and self worth in question due to your blantant dishonesty. Are you worthy of her? Are you able to be a reliable and trustworthy man? Are you safe? Do you really love her? Why didn't you tell her the truth? Didn't she deserve the truth? Do you not respect her and trust her? Why?
I will add that your children, your innocent and beautiful children, will be the ones who suffer the most, who will hurt the most, who will anger the most, because their father let them down and they will struggle with why didn't you love them enough and their mother enough? All that you have taught them is undone. Now your wife will be the one doing all they heavy lifting as you run off with some young woman and live carefree and away from your trusting and loving family.
I could never be happy with myself for being a part of the destruction of a family.
May you find that lasting peace that everyone searches for but rarely finds.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): I know the right thing to do. I will tell my "Elena" tonight. And you are right, she should "run for the hills". It will hurt her. And me. But it is the only thing to do. And I will come clean with my wife. That will hurt her. And it will hurt me to see her hurting. But I must come clean and end this. Soulmate or no, you are correct it is all about priorties. Thank you for your constructive advice DrPsych! I'm sure I'll get slammed by others, but one piece of good advice is all I needed. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 July 2006):
 I am quite sure you will be getting a lot of replies to your post calling you a low-life so I shall try to be more constructive. You have lied to two women and this is probably going to come tumbling down around your ears whatever you do. You are in a no-win situation. You have to come clean with both your wife and your Russian lady-friend. If your Russian girlfriend has anything between her ears she will run into the hills and never come back. I know you don't want to hear that but look at it from her point of view - you have lied about something enormous and what else will she think you are telling her mis-truths about? As for your wife, well of course she has a right to know you are being a naughty boy and if she forgives you then you are lucky and should learn from that. You have moved your family to be with you and your new job. You had an opportunity to tell your wife about your situation before they got up-rooted and showed you the commitment of moving with you. It will be a cruel blow to your wife but she may forgive you. You will of course need counselling. Your wife is looking after two young children and you have an obligation to your family that is far more than your relationship with your mistress. There are two children who need their father, your mistress will be hurt but she is an adult and will survive. This is not really about you, it is very much about priorities and your children must be no.1 priority in your life.
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