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female
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anonymous
writes: dear cupid, i have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. he's a genuinly nice guy and supported me when i was out of work. now i have a new job and work alot of nights but now when i have time off all he wants to do is drink. im not a big drinker but he is. he wastes all his money on it and we dont do anything together anymore. he makes promises but they are always ruined by the pub. what do i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): Hang on a second. Does he drink too much and does he in fact spend too much money? I think being fair and asking her how I did was reasonable.
Two and a half years; she should know how he is and who he is.
How many days off does she have and that even in itself should not be interpreted that he drinks too much. Dies he in fact waste ALL his money on it as she had said before that, that he took care of her finacially which would indicate he is responsible with money; he paid bills and put food on the table. It doesn't compute.
Is he or isn't he an alcoholic? And why not go with him to some program if he is? Why not take some intervention for someone you love?
What promises? Has this concern of him drinking been raised before or is this something she is getting off her chest here?
I tend to be a bit cautious when someone feels the need to use absolutes.
I stand by my statements of stating all the things she likes and admires about him. I think we need to express our thanks to people we love and who do good things for us and to us.
It can be true that his drinking is not something she wants to get in the way of her relationship and address the matter.
So I didn't convey my meaning good enough.
She loves him. She should be willing to give her all before walking away. If he is an alcoholic and not some young man who thinks drinking on his days off is acceptable needs to be clarified.
I didn't jump the gun on this one; I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Either way; varying opinions on the matter will help her sort things out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): Let's get some perspective here. I disagree with the comment "that his drinking isn't a good enough reason for the breakdown of something good". You are considering a a future (possibly marriage and kids) with an man who drinks too much, spends money recklessly and makes promises he can't keep.. all due to his drinking. You have a huge problem, hun. Your man is going through an irresponsible period and he's being careless or he may have a 'real bona-fide' drinking problem. In either case, it's making you feel miserable and worried. This needs to be dealt with fast. It's time for you to both sit down and some boundries need to be put in place. I would talk to him about the distance you feel in the relationship as a result of his behaviours. Right now you are both experiencing profound differences in your relationship values so you need to talk about your deep concerns for the future of this relationship And like Bev says, do listen to what he says but...also watch what he does. Judge his committment to your relationship on his actions, more than anything else. Don't become emotionally blind. Protect your future by thinking rationally at times like this and learn to discriminate what type of man is good for your life and that of your family. Choose wisely. Talk calmly and if over time, he doesn't quit or can't quit, then you'll know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 July 2006):
 How long has he been drinking? Was he doing this when you were out of work, or just started recently? Why is it a problem now, and wasn't before? Even though he spends a lot of money on drink, does he keep up with the bills? How do you feel about him today?
Ask yourself for the answers to those questions to get a better bead on what comes next.
People do sometimes 'fall out of love' with each other over time. His reluctance to do anything but drink in your time together might hasten that process. He might also be alcohol-dependant, and besides making him dull company right now, that can lead to unpleasant health consequences for him in the long run.
Before you give up, talk with him about the issue. Tell him that you think he's wonderful and a good man, but that you miss the things you used to do together. Ask if he'd be willing to set apart one night (or two) per week where you can go out as a couple, and not drink. Let him know that you feel the fate of your relationship is at stake (I'm assuming you feel it is). Whatever you say, make it non-confrontational. Make the point for the two of you to come to a consensual agreement.
Then listen to what he says. If he's willing to modify his behaviour, it's an excellent sign, and you need to be more compromising in your approach too.
If he's not willing to budge on the issue and simply regards drinking as his main recreation and more important than you, then your "genuinely nice guy" isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): Was he at the pub alot before you were working or is this a "new" attitude and habit for him?
What promises does he make? Put you first?
Two and a half years and this is now bothering you?
Have you told him your concerns? Be honest with him. Tell him his drinking is a cause of concern for him. Tell him you like him and think he a nice guy and thank him for supporting you when you were out of work.
Tell him you love and you want to work things out and that the one big thing that needs work is his drinking. That his drinking isn't a good enough reason for the breakdown of something good.
Communicate.
Best of luck.
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