A
male
age
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*itchs
writes:Hi, I have a question that is really troubling me. I am a 62 yr. man and I am married to a good woman for 37 years. She has been decent until the last 10 years when she let herself become morbidly obese and now in the past year, she had a stroke and heart attack. She is often grouchy and abusive, which I tolerate. I have not had sex with her, or any woman for over 20 years. Cheating is out of the question, because she would throw me out. But out of loyalty, because of all she put up with from me in the past, and secondly convenience, of not wanting to leave my comfort zone and start over, I have stayed.I am profoundly depressed and do not feel like a man or human being because of the lack of sex. I used to take Zoloft, but no longer take it, but it did cut my drive down. Should I move on? I’m seriously thinking of it, but hesitate since sex is only a part of a persons life, but God, I’m so miserable and down. What would most men do? There is no discussing this stuff with her, just "my way or the highway."Thanks kindly in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): Move on. Life is short and you may as well be happy for the rest of it.
I am only 41 and have been married for nearly 20 years for financial reasons and because I'm still raising my kids I haven't moved on. My husband stopped having sex with me for 10 years now and will not discuss it. I wish I could move on ...you can...nothing holding you.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Remember it's a difficult situation you're in but NOT an impossible one! If you want to talk about this some more in private, either to vent, throw around some possibilities, confide in a friend or just to get it off your chest then feel free to email me. I'm here for you as long as you need me.
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, ritchs +, writes (11 May 2009):
ritchs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve, God Bless you for your answer. I'm in tears, don't know yet what I'll do, but thanks!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 May 2009):
This is a very difficult situation for you as no amount of talking to her (you said) would make any difference (and you know her better than anyone!) At 62 years old, although not "past it" by any means, you have a lot to take into account. For example, do you have the finances to be able to go it alone? Are you fit and healthy enough for the upheaval and a certain amount of stress it will bring? Will you be able to walk away and feel "guilt free"? Will she be able to manage on her own? (Do you have kids that can look after her?) Is she so bad that she needs a carer or can she look after herself?37 years marriage is a feat in itself in this day and age but if you're not happy then it can seem a lifetime. Living in the marital home and finding someone else is out of the question for you so you will need to make a decision on whether to stay or go. Know one thing though YOU are the only one that can make that decision and we all deserve to be happy but sometimes we can only do this by making certain changes in our lives.Don't stay out of guilt! That is not the answser. If you stay can you see your life improving? If the answer to that is no then maybe you can find yourself a small apartment and be free to invite friends over and maybe even meet a female companion that you have a lot in common with. You can do this by joining a club for a hobby you have or would like to take up.You will be thinking "am I better off with the devil I know...?" You also have your home comforts there, get your laundry done, dinners made etc and you'd need to do that yourself but hey, that's no big deal. Look at the positives.I disagree with the other poster who says "it's just not possible to start over again at that age, and after a whole life together." My friend was married for 33 years and was divorced last year. Her husband was cheating with a female colleague (also a close friend of both of them) and had been for a number of years. She now has a place of her own and is enjoying her life for the first time in years (her words). She says the person that was hidden inside for many years has now finally been set free and has emerged like a butterfly from a cocoon. Looking back a year on she said if she'd had known she'd feel like this now then she'd have left the marriage years ago! (She's 56).It is within your capability to change things if you really want to. Just weigh up the pros and cons but if you are truly unhappy and no amount of talking will help then moving out and starting afresh is NOT an impossibility! "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."~Eve~
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A
male
reader, ritchs +, writes (11 May 2009):
ritchs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks kindly for your answer. I will consider this, and look for others to offer opinions. No easy choices here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Would it be fair to say that the relationship is already over? You say she is a good woman, which she might be, but being miserable, not having sex for years etc etc - these are all things that will only get worse unless addressed. And if she isn't willing to address them, then what are you staying for?
Your wife might have her own problems - her obesity and bad health have most likely made her feel really down. She might want out but feel obliged and scared to move on, too.
You know, at your age, after having been married for so long, being alone can be a huge shock to the system. A lot of older couples do without sex, and find some sort of arrangement - it's just not possible to start over again at that age, and after a whole life together.
But if you are unhappy, and you cannot bear it, then you owe it to yourself to leave. You probably owe it to her, too. Obviously, financial things make a difference, the kids and family etc, living arrangements. But if you think you can both handle extricating yourself from that, then I would say you should leave. If things have been this bad for so many years, they will not improve now.
Good luck!
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