A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married with two children. Three years ago I found out my husband was having an affair with another man. He still lives at home and continues his relationship with this man. I don't have it in me to throw him out and get on with my life. I am afraid to bring up two children alone. I know he has never loved me. We married young because I was pregnant. I know he loves this man but I also know he wants to be with the children. They are always splitting up but then he goes back to him. You can guess the problems this causes between us. My question is. Should I tell him to leave and let him have the chance of being happy with this man and to be what he is or continue to hold on to him and stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the children.
View related questions:
affair, lives at home Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): I am 51 years old and finally leaving my husband. As far as I know, my husband didn't act upon his homosexuality, but I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. I have little self esteem and may never find a fulfilling relationship, but I want more. I deserve more. I did stay for the kids. My youngest leaves for college in a couple of weeks and my divorce should be final soon. I am left heartbroken and afraid for the future. Don't even know where to start. I stayed home and took care of him and the kids so I haven't worked in years. But, I will survive. I will thrive. I will not live this lie anymore.I feel a lot of guilt for leaving. And I certainly understand why he doesn't want to face this but it isn't fair for any man to hide behind his wife and let her suffer because she thinks she is to blame.Would I do it again? Probably. But as far as I know he didn't act upon it.No one can make that decision for you but my heart goes out to you. Get counseling. Take care of yourself and don't let others question your decision. It's not their life and no one understands unless they've been there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): You're not really doing it for the sake of the children if you decide to stay in a failed marriage.
Plenty of my friends grew up knowing that their parents didn't love each other any more. Many became distrusting of marriage, and of monogamous relationships in general, and seem to carry a lot of sad memories of their parents not actually being part of a "loving" family together as man and wife.
If you genuinely feel your marriage is over, which it sounds like it is, then there is only one real option and that is to end it.
I'm sure when your children are grown adults they will far easier accept that their dad is gay, rather than pity you both for deciding to stay together for the "sake" of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Conventional thought about relationships and marriage would lead you to say "He loves someone else, kick him out and get on with your life." But, sometimes the best solutions can be found by thinking a little differently.
Are you and your husband friends? Preferably best friends?
If so, could you live together as friends while accepting that you are not romantically attached to each other? And both accepting that the other is free to find love and romance with other people?
Such an arrangement might not last forever, especially if one or other of you met someone you wanted to live with / marry but it would allow you both to be there and share the responsibility of bringing up your children while getting on with your own lives.
It would only work if he was as willing to let you be as single as he is free to date his partner, and would take a lot of good will and co-operation from you both.
If it's not something you could do, or he thinks he can have both you and "him", then it's not going to work and you should be thinking about going your own separate ways. After all, you have as much a right to a future of your own as he does.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (4 August 2008):
 What about your happiness?? You deserve some too. Whilst it will be hard for the kids if he leaves your husband is living a lie and should be open and honest about his sexuality. What are you getting out of this relationship??
I think its time you realised this marriage has no future and I feel he may one day leave you anyway so you will have stuck around for nothing.
It can be an amicable split, you can let him have as much access to the kids as he wants including staying over at his maybe every other weekend and maybe tea once a week too. If you stay friends you can still share the parenting and show the kids that although you dont want to be together anymore you both still love them very much. Then you can live your life and start getting out to possibly meet a man who can give you what you really want and need. x
...............................
A
female
reader, soulcal +, writes (4 August 2008):
 ask hime if he wants to stay with you and the children and see his bf regulary or go to his bf and look after his children once in a while or work out a schedule so he has them one week then you or watever
i hope this helps x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I don't think it is about whether your husband wants to be with this other man or not -- it is the fact that he is gay. Even if he wasn't seeing someone you would still have this same problem. Obviously something needs to to change. You sound like you have been very understanding which is great as he probably never meant to hurt you. Maybe give some thought as to what you would like. Forget him and forget the children just for a moment and think about what you would like - I'm not saying base your decision on that but at least factor it in. As someone else has sort of said already - happy parents equals happy children. If you decide to split then do it when you're both ready and without problems.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 August 2008):
The other aunts have suggested the "chuck him out and man up" and they may not be wrong, but I am going to give you a second option.
I think your situation is the only one where I would suggest doing this:
End your relationship but don't chuck him out of your house, just chuck him out of your bed.
Treat your husband as a housemate. I am sure you two can still be best friends and a great parenting team, you just don't have to share a bed to do it. He can go off with his man and your children need never know as long as he is discrete.
And this is the bit you'll like. You will also be free to discretely date and pursue other relationships too. If you find a man who you think may be long term then you can re-assess the situation and then perhaps your husband could move out and you could both slowly introduce their partners to the kids.
Before that happens though make sure you do all this on good terms with your husband. Start separating your bank accounts and any other joint things you have now to make things as easy as possible.
You have the power to have the most drawn out yet civil divorce in the history of the world. Once the resentment of being "trapped in a marriage" is gone and you both have your freedom back you can rediscover what made you friendly in the first place and be open and happy with each other. Surely that is going to be good for the kids, even if, in later years they learn what an unconventional upbringing they had.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Hi,
I understand that you must be very scared about the future, but really your only option is to end this, like the previous aunts have already said. The only thing this will teach your children if you dont, is to live a lie.
If he is longing to be with another person (male or female) there is no point in hanging on to him. You deserve to be happy too, but you wont ever find this if you dont take that leap. Believe me! I know it is a very scary thought, but I really cant see that there is any possible solution to your problem, apart from splitting up.
You will find happiness again, and you do deserve this.
Please stay amicable with your husband though, because your children will learn a very valuable lesson in life. That! "even if things in life go wrong, with love and support from family you can get over this".
Good luck honey, for now and your future. Please come back on here if you need to talk, its amazing how it can get you though difficult situations.
XX
...............................
A
female
reader, babycate728  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 I don't think you should stay with him. Its not fair to you or the kids.. Because they'd always kinda be in the middle of this weird situation, and I don't know you're children's ages but as they grow up they'll sense the tension and know something isn't right. You're husband has his responsibilities to his children, but if he's willing fulfill those while living in your house he should also be willing to do it from afar, and if he doesn't he was probably using you, and its not worth letting your kids be involved with him at all. Because obviously he doesn't care too much. I don't want my opinion to get too strong, so I'll stop here, but be smart do what's best for you and your kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Hi,
the friends I have whose parents stayed together for the "sake of the children" wished they never had. All they recall is their parents putting on a front pretending to be happy for them, every single one of them has trust and commitment issues. So if you think you are doing them a favour, I'm sorry to say you aren't.
The real issue here is you having the courage to make your husband leave the family home. You have to do this, do you not think you are entitled to a physical relationship yourself? You are.
So be strong, tell your husband he has to leave , there is no point dragging this on any further, the children will be upset their father is leaving but this is all part of life they will grow accustomed to it and see the change in you when you get on with living your own life.
Good luck.
...............................
|
