A
female
age
41-50,
*arinedahu
writes:Hey everyone, this may make me sound like a bad person, but belive me I'm not! I have dated a married man for about 5 years on and off, he was having trouble with his marriage as he said but it was true and the last 2 years he had seperated from his wife, and then he divorced her religously but not legally and that is because she is making it hard for him to do so. he has 5 kids and I have 1 from previous relationship 2 years ago we got married spiritually but not legally and have a baby now. My problem is that I get so jelouse from how his ex uses his kids to always but into our life, I tried taking care of his kids when there mom left the country for about 4 month and I really took them in as my own, but as soon as there mom came back they wantted to go with her and I really felt hurt by them and because of that I really dont like them anymore and to make things worse there mom is putting things in there head that's making them disrespect me. I dont know what to do, I want my husband for me but it seems like if he is not with them he is not happy to be with me. plz. help what should I do??
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divorce, his ex, married man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2008):
 The only thing I would change about my first reply is about the children. It sounds like a cat is a better mother than she is. However her wrath towards you is very understandable and you brought upon yourself by hooking up with a married man. I'd tell him to get that divorce started immediately or else.
A
female
reader, darinedahu +, writes (20 November 2008):
darinedahu is verified as being by the original poster of the question You know I respect everyones opinion and thank u for ur honesty!But I feel like I need to explain a bit about myself and the situations a littel more because I think that with my question I tried to be as honest as possible but there are a lot of grey areas here:First let me say I did not know the risks because I was too young when I met him (22) and he was 35 and to me I was a single parent at the time and was not looking to get into a serious relationship, and honestly I did not like him at all infact I was grossed out when he made a move on me. with time he sarted to go after me more and more and for all I knew it was not my problem what was going on with his wife and I was okay with it because from what I was told by him and he wantted out and so did she based on what her actions were and the things she would tell everyone. I am not stupid and I thought to myself that no way this was going anywhere! over the 5 year period that I knew him I had other relationships that he knew about and sometimes would even help me with some problems that may arise. but he was always followig me, telling me how much he loves me at the same time I wasnt like trying to keep our relationship a secret from his wife because to me I was not the problem and their problems were long before I came in the picture. I tried to leave him! but she wouldnt leave me. I even called her up and told her that I was not gonna be with him and to just leave me alone! she kept spreading rumors about me talking to anyone that I met and makeing up stuff about me. before I had made up my mind in about a month of being with him I was accually thinking about moving to another state because I was in a relationship with someone out there and wantted to get to know him better. but she had to mess it up! I didnt know what to do I ran back to him and asked him to help me, yes I told him I loved him but that I needed to move on and that I cant take this anymore. His reply to me was that he loved me and the only thing he can do is to be with me. so I thought about it long and hard, and the way I thought about it is that he has always been there for me when I needed emotional, financial, support so this guy must really really love me.As for the kids, I dont hate them in the sense that I wish them harm but I just dont want to be around them because of how much they put me down. And I understand that they wantted to be with their mom after 4 month of not seening her. And I always, always, always told them that this is their mom no matter what and even if shes not here she still loved them, but the kids were very angry with her because this is not the first time she had picked up and left them for month with their dad, it was like the 3rd or 4th time. The thing that hurts me is they are not babys they are teenagers and see how much she has done for them thru out there life. I was trying to love them as my own, I trully did not want her to keep doing that to them (keep coming in and out of their lives like that) not allowing them to have a normall family life. and when she came back I totally understood and told them to go be with her! but I was hurt because to the point where I stopped eating and was crying the first 2 days that they went with her because I missed them.a month down the road she brainwashed them against me and they started giving me a hard time all over again. thats when I started to not likeing being around them because I wantted them to be smarter than that.and wantted some peace of mind for myself.And to reply to one of the comments she left them with me for 4 month because she new what type of a person I was and that I would not hurt them physically or emotionally. nor would their dad allow anyone to do so!
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A
female
reader, wendie dee  +, writes (20 November 2008):
 Ooh dear looks like you,ve been taken for a ride, I'm inclined to agree with the others i.m afraid, no way is this man divorced, and no way are you married, i think you,ve been lead up the garden path.Did you ever think to check if he could be divorced that way?, as for looking after the kids,she must of thought it was her birthday,she is a very lucky mum.You should of known by your own child, no one will ever take your place you will always come first and so will she to them. I feel sorry for you you must be feeling very hurt, and used at the moment. I would except the fact that you're not husband and wife, and seriously think about getting rid off this guy, If you play with fire you,re going to get burnt, and i think your a classic case,Lifes to short pet move on.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 November 2008):
 How can you get divorce religeously but not legally? How can you get married religeously but not legally? I cant think of any religeon that allows this! The two generally go hand in hand. No church that I know of is going to marry someone who is still legally married to someone else, no matter if they are 'religeously' divorced. And if he is not divorced than you are just a mistriss, not a wife. And I agree with the other posters that say that for you to now dislike the children just because they want to be with their mother is ridiculous. Even if she were an awful mother the children would still love her and want to be with her. It is human nature!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2008):
If he really wanted to divorce his wife then he would do it, and she couldn't stop him. I don't blame her for making things difficult, he cheated on her with YOU. I'm surprised she even allowed her children to be around you at all, let alone for 4 months. And your reaction to the kids choosing their mother over you is totally whacked. You know maybe you'd have the respect you think you deserve if you had behaved respectfully.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): I have stepchildren too, and I know it can be painful because you want them to be your own, but if their mother is in the picture, you should never get in the way of that relationship. She is their mother, and they need her. No matter how you feel about her, you should respect that and encourage them to have a good relationship with her. Children should never be made to feel guilty about loving their mom. You can love them too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): What should you do?Hmm, how about number one learn to respect other peoples bond with their children and the emotional importance of that to their development.I do not know nor care why she was away for four months but she is their mother and of course they wanted to see her when she returned and to not understand that shows huge failings on your side rather than anyone elses. To then say you do not actually like them because of it sounds like you may not be quite right in the head.Frankly I would be very concerned having a person like you in my childrens lives as the values you have are not ones i would like my children to grow up influenced by.I am not making any comment on your actual situation and problem with your partner as too be honest i cannot look past that section of what you wrote.
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