A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, Here is my story. I am 27 years old and have been married to my wife for almost 2 years. About 4 years ago I met this other girl before I ever met my wife. We talked and it was like love before we met. We went out on a date and she was not very impressed and we just talked a little bit here and there. We went out some but I was worried because I am 6 years older than her. She is now 21. We saw each other some but one of us was always with someone else when the other one was single. Then I meet my wife and everything seemed comfortable and with 3 months my wife we got engaged. I told the other girl that I was going to proposed to my now wife and if she wanted to end all the games and get real serious we have to do it not because if not I am proposing. She was 19 and very young. She said she was not ready for something like that so I got engaged and married shortly there after. And so did she actually. She had had some serious relationships since I have been married. Not she is single and she sent me a text and we started talking and both of us say of feeling have never went away. the butterflies are there every time I think about her. So my question is what should I do, My wife and I have had issues and were going to divorce only 4 months in our marriage and then we decided to try to make it work. It has been just ok after 3 months of us really trying to make it work. We have no kids but she wants them. I am thinking of divorce but don't know if I can go through with all the pain it will cause everyone. She has a big family. I can't imagine hurting here but not sure if it will get any better. But then I think that, would this happen after 2 years of being together with the other girl. Can I not be happy with someone after 2 years? I am not sure what to do! I love this other girl so much it seems like but I am married and I feel bad and unmoral feeling this way being married. What should I do?Thanks
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Hi, thanks for doing the exercise. It tells you a bit about what is going on. You should be excited to come home to your wife for as long as it is a thrill for you to see her. You should miss her when you are not with her. If it has lost its lustre this fast, not good. If a woman would allow her husband to go out and cheat on her, she is disrespecting her marriage, her husband and herself. A mind set like that is very distrubing and quite hard to understand. I would also still try to find a good counselor, you need to talk this out, but most of all you need to know if this marriage is what is going to make you happy. Be honest, will you be happy with your wife at your side in five years, if you can't say a definite "yes", then you are settling for less than you should. People separate all the time from people they love because it is not working, but you have to realize it is not working and why.
Take the time to know what you want, that's where it begins. Then step by step to the place you want to be for happiness. Write again, as we said, time is going to get you there. I don't think anyone is 98% happy, but you should at least be 85% happy with your life. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell its not by a whole lot but on the list the negative did have a higher number that the positive. I know she is not happy even though she said she is. I just find it very scary that she is willing to let me cheat on her to stay with her. That is just not right in a marriage. I mean maybe I just watch to many movies and am not very manly when I say this but shouldn't I still be excited to come home to my wife in 2 years of marriage? I am not really feeling that. I have a feeling I know what I need to do just don't want to do it. I can see myself in a recliner and be all alone and say to my self yep if I was married I would not be alone. But then again I am not really happy now so....
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (11 March 2009):
Hi there, I am glad you are considering consultation. Now let me get this straight, she wants you to go somewhere and enjoy yourself with another woman or women? This is very, very bad, if she loves you, why would she approve of you doing something like that? Okay, one more exercise, take a sheet of paper draw a line down the middle of the paer separating it right side, left side. Now, on one side right down the positive things about your marriage, on the other side write down the negative things about the marriage. For each one of the positive things, grade with a number from 1-10, do the same thing with the negative things. Try to be as thorough as possibly with both sides. When you are satisfied that you have covered everything, add up the positive items by number, then add up the negative things by value with the numbers assigned as with the positive things. Write positive with the total.... and on the other side the negative total. Which one has the highest total? If the positive is higer, ther is hope, if the negative total is higher, big problem. Do this exercise and write me back as soon as you finish and let me know the outcome, please. My thought, if I loved someone sincerely, I would not give them any permission to go play around with som other woman, very unhealthy and wrong mindset for a wife. Take care. Write back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do need to talk to a consular. I do eventually want a kid just not now. Can't afford it and work about 80 hours a week so I would not be there for the child which is not what I want to be. I know she is unhappy even tho she says she is. I mentioned that I was unhappy and she asked me if I could have a free card weekend if that would help. I think that would be a really bad idea. But see she thinks that was. That scares me. No one in there right mind would get there husband a free weekend card just to keep me in the marriage. I just don't know what to do. I just make sure 10 years from now I don't regret whatever decision I make. I really appreciate your help!!!
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (10 March 2009):
Hi, This is serious, but you make me laugh out loud. Suggestion, you make sure your condoms are safe! You realize that children should not be a part of this, at this time anyway. Now, let's talk a bit about your wife. There is something nagging her that needs to be purged, some past problem that she has not dealt with, we all have them some worse than others. This is why she drinks. it covers it so that she can cope. The baby thing is part of it as well, whe wants a child because she wants to project herself on that child hoping it will make her happy. She is not a happy person but don't look for her to disclose that. Some people do a great job of keeping their mask on. Therapy for her by herself would be a good idea, to help her reveal to an objective party what the deep problem that she is wrestling with is. But it must be her choice, who she would be on the otherside of that therapy is anybodies guess. So what I am saying is, your wife is not who she really is, she is playing the role of who she thinks she should be, I hate to play pop psychologist here, but this is how I see it. If she is totally unaware that you are not happy with the marriage, she is in denial. Back to you, you have a strong sexual attraction to the other woman, and if you get to know her, it may be a relationship that could work, that's an if. Again you need to decide what to do with the marriage right now. Then you need space, then if possible see what happens with the other woman. Forget this, "I feel so bad if I hurt her". Think about this, if your wife met someone who wanted to give her a baby, who turned on her engines, do you really think she would sit and say, it would make me feel so bad to hurt him, I can't do this? Please! People have to deal with life, you have to, she has to, But be sure of what you want, I would be very happy if you went and talked to your pastor or go see a marriage counselor by yourself. Talk about the marriage only, all the pieces, she wants a baby, you don't, you are not sufficiently happy, she pretends she is, and any other elements. Only tell him or her about the other woman if they ask. She should not be part of it as I think you want to see if you can save this marriage, not if you should leave and go to her. The unknown here is whether your wife will become who she really is and if you will like that person. That should be discussed as well. I seriously want you to consder finding an effective counselor, research, try to get references, I don't want you to waste your money. You are welcome for any help I can give you, that's why we are here. I like pepple and enjoy trying to help. Do not make a decision based on not wanting to hurt someone, you should not be miserable because you feel bad being honest, life is too short.
Another thought here, she is always going to want a baby, she thinks that will solve her "having someone to love her unconditionally " problem. What are you going to do about the baby? If you don't co-operate, she will blame you for her unhappiness over lack of a child. This to me is a serious disagreement, do you want a child with her eventually? If not that may be your answer. Write again with your thoughts. Take care, time will help you with this, whichever way it goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your help. Yes we have been to marriage consulting when we had out first issues but was not impressed. I was told how bad of a sin it is and its something you shouldn't do. That was about it. I do feel it is a sin because I do believe in god. I just am trying to figure out if I can stay with her for the rest of my life. I do love her because the thought of hurting her just kills me but I just turn to mush when I see the other girl. I mean I am a guy and I do lust a lot. I never have took action of it but I feel if it was just lust then why is it bothering me so much. My wife drinks a lot but never gets bad drunk except for a couple of times a year. She does drink every night which is a concern. She has told me that she was going to poke a hole in her ex condom when they were dating because she wants a kid so bad. That really scares me. That is when I was going to divorce just 4 months into it. So I just don't know what to do. I mean if the other lady was not in my head I would probably stay married. But not sure how happy I will be. There really is nothing good going to happen either way it seems. So I know there is not just a magic answer that will appear. I think the problem is maybe I do get bored easy. And the other lady is such a challenge. We both want power and my wife just feels like I am the boss and what I say goes. Which most guys will love to have just not sure if that is right for me. Thanks foe all of the advice.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (10 March 2009):
Hi there, thanks for getting back with what you are thinking. Yes it could be lust, remember the grass is greener thing. Decide if you want to make a sincere effort to make the marriage work, your wife must be e part of the revitalization, have you both been to a marriage counselor?
The other lady is in your head, so it will be a little hard to focus on the healing of the marriage. You need to think about this as well, you have not been in a contstant day to day living in the same house with the other waoman, so you only have the comparison of apples to oranges. If you had lived with her, you would be able to tell if you would be so excited to be with her, with her out there and not having been tested so to speak , you are thinking of her as a brand new car. But once you live with someone, you see they have the same little things that bug you as the other person did, that's life. Back to your wife, if she thinks everything is great and you feel it is not, then you and she need to find a better way to communicate. You must spell it out exactly what is missing for you, if it is hard to talk to her, write everything down on paper and then talk to her, paper in hand. This is that important. marriage is something that has to be worked at, on a daily basis. Think about it, we promise to commit to one person till death do us part, then on a daily basis there are other women and other men, who are not our spouses, who we are sometimes attracted too. We have to respect our choices and put forth the best effort we can to make things work out, if we can. Why don't you do this, ask yourself which one of these women you feel that you cannot do without, for the rest of your life, honest answer. If you can answer this question, maybe the next steps will be clearer. Write back and we will discuss the subject more, if you want to.
One more thing, you need to get to know the other woman,
as to who she is as a person as well. You can still answer the question based on your feelings now. Take care, stay in touch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the guy that asked the question. Thank you for the response I agree with it all. Could it be just lust? I mean I am human and I guy and I do lust at other women but I think that is just nature. I feel so different with this girl. But it could be lust because we have only kissed and nothing more and nothing since I have been married.
I think my problem is I don't really have the desire to put the true effort I need to in my marriage. With or without the other girl. That is what really bothers me. My wife feels like we are just as happy as can be. Even if I tell her we are not. She still thinks we should have kids due to our age. I j
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the guy that asked the question. Thank you for the response I agree with it all. Could it be just lust? I mean I am human and I guy and I do lust at other women but I think that is just nature. I feel so different with this girl. But it could be lust because we have only kissed and nothing more and nothing since I have been married.
I think my problem is I don't really have the desire to put the true effort I need to in my marriage. With or without the other girl. That is what really bothers me. My wife feels like we are just as happy as can be. Even if I tell her we are not. She still thinks we should have kids due to our age. I j
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (9 March 2009):
Hi there, Answering questions for ourselves in problem situations, requires knowing who we are and what our goals are. If you know yourself, then the answers tend to follow suit. Some people get bored easily and are not suitable candidates for marriage in general. I knew this about myself in my late teens, therefore am still single, I like people but not to marry for life which is what I believe. Next of all, you cannot live your life for other people, children might be the exception, but because you don't want to cause other people pain in some way, so you stay married to someone, you may not even like even though you think you love them in some way does not cut it. This is your life, it is not a rehearsal as someone said. If you and your wife feel that you have tried every route to make this relationship work and it is going nowhere, then it's time to call the moving van. The other woman, I sense you are attracted to her, but love, she seems a bit immature though she has had several relationships, maybe that's why, I'm not sure. But you need to be by yourself for a while if you do choose divorce, and before I did that, I would talk to my priest or clergy, and try to determine, first why you married your wife, what changed and what can help you not make the same mistake again. Marriage is serious business, though I never married I realize that you have to get up each morning, determined to stay married and in love. Effort must be put into the relationship. There are too many temptations, and we are all human. So you have a lot to think about. Try to leave the other woman out of this, deal with your marriage and where it is going or not going.
The grass sometimes looks greener on the other side until you get to the other side. Did you say your wife wanted children, but you did not, that is another thing that has to be considered. One thing at a time, and again if you do divorce, consul with yourself and set gaols instead of going from pillar tp post, especially with possibly another marriage. You need time ans space to heal from a long relationship, otherwise you will find that you will have a lot of open wounds. Sorry to be so long winded, I hope I have helped you in some way. Stay in touch, most of all give me feedback on your thoughts. Take care. Be our own best friend.
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