A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for just over a year now and whilst most of the time things are happy, when my other half and I fight it gets really bad...much worse than it did before we were married.I find when we argue he antagonises me a lot and as a result I tend to shout/scream just to try and get my point across...I know this is not the right thing to do but I just get so upset or angry that I can't help it. Typically when we fight I end up getting very upset as I am very emotional and he doesn't seem to care when I am crying which I find really hurtful and it upsets me more, is it normal for a guy not to care that he's hurt you and you're crying? He also always blames me for everything...I admit I sometimes do start the fight and its not right but for example last night he was sulking because I refused to have a camera in the house, I don't mind on the outside but there is enough surveillance in the world I don't need it inside my home....I told him I was feeling pushed away and he just ignored me. I kind of was wanting reassurance and to show that he did care about me, does that not mean he doesn't care? If someone told me they were feeling that way I wpuld want to understand why and what I could do to make them feel better?I'm really don't want us to end our marrigage as I love him very much but I do feel he is not giving me enough love and care to convince me to stay, that with all the arguing is really upsetting me. Not helped by the fact that after the argument he will typically withdraw for a few days which makes me feel worse as I need the attention so by the time he is okay again I am already feeling resentfulAny tips on how not to argue so much or control it better? also interested in knowing if I am being unreasonable to expect my husband to care about my feelings Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (9 July 2015):
 If you are going to have disagreements then you need to learn to negotiate these issues with more finesse.
If you are fighting "Dirty" then things will only get worse until your relationship becomes toxic. Trouble is you will be then so disenchanted that your next relationship with be more toxic.
There is a reason why some people have been married 5 and 6 times. And other people happily enjoy each other's company despite some disagreements.
1. Learn to speak assertively to each other.
2. Read I am OK: you are OK
3. Focus on the ONE issue only at a time and ONLY that issue.
4. Don't throw out collateral abuse at each other.
5. Never say "you always ..... do/say/want "
6. Don't bring in other history into the problem at hand
7. Don't throw other abuse about his family and friends
8. Never refer to previous disagreements and what he did wrong then
9. Try to resolve the issue on the day
10. Do not try being passive aggressive to each other.
So he leaves the honey lid off the honey and ants invade the kitchen and the honey jar?
Correct response:
"Honey you left the lid off the honey and when you do this in this weather the bees are likely to find the honey jar and make a mess. This annoys me as it is invariably me who is left to clean it up and purchase new honey. In future I ask that you either buy yourself some single use honey sachets or learn to put the lid on the honey. Because if you cannot do this my next option is to stop buying honey.
So you forget to pick up your clothing in the bedroom?
I hope that he can learn ways of speaking to you assertively about the problem and how it affects him.
Getting angry all the time is not good for either of you. It will lead to stress. It is not pleasant and their is no need for nastiness.
Sometimes you may have to compromise. Sometimes you may have to agree to disagree.
If you always have to win, have to have the last word, have to shout louder than each other you will both end up very unhappy.
get some counselling so that you can learn to have disagreements that do not degenerate into screaming matches and tears. And examine what is passive aggressive, because being that way and fermenting resentment will not help your relationship either.
As a couple you need some couples counselling on the toxic methods you are inflicting on each other.
This situation can be improved.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 What you have described is not a "marriage".... it is two children playing a school-yard game.
YOU need to decide if THAT is how you want your life - and "relationship(s)" - to be.... or if you think there are better lives for you. (Hint, there ARE!!!!....)
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): What you are learning is that you can't manipulate with tears and emotional-outbursts.
You will not be taken seriously, if you behave more like a spoiled-child than a woman. He does care, but your methods of communicating with each other is extremely flawed. There are other underlying issues that are unresolved between you; and there seems to be a lot of resentment building as a result of it. You trivialize your problems to a lack of affection. It's more serious than that. Why is there a lack of affection and understanding between you? Figure that out, and you're on your way to solving a lot of problems.
Sit down with a pad and pen; and write down all the things he does that you can't come right out and say. Here's some basic issues most couples face, that creates a lot of tension. They don't talk about it, because they are so brain-trained to "message" every thought, and not "talk" about stuff. Sorry, my dear; that's the most common problem you millennials have. You can't express a full thought, it has to be abbreviated or sub-contexted. Never properly articulated.
How's your finances? Are bills paid on time? Who makes the most money? Do you share household chores, and take turns at doing things around the house together? Who does most of the cooking and housework? Who plans entertainment and outings? Do you have friends? Do you both work full-time jobs? How frequent is sex since you first got married? Did he ever get caught cheating; or do you have a lot of male friends he doesn't particularly care for? (Or, vice versa?) Do you start arguments just before bedtime, or sex? Does he ignore you when you're talking to him? Do you make major decisions together? Do you really think a man wants to be lovey-dovey with a woman who just screamed at him? Do you have a number of insecurities that he has been aware of, since before you were married? Do you realize the difference between reality and a fairytale marriage? Is he a certified jackass; and you thought showering him with love would change him? Do you whine a lot? Does he blame you after he finds evidence that you are at fault, and you can't own up to your mistakes? Do you throw every mistake he makes in his face?
There, that ought to get you thinking!
You are adjusting to sharing your space under the umbrella of vows and marital-rights. You can't just angrily march out the house and not comeback, like when you were a dating-couple.
You've had a battle of wills since before you were married; so you never established a good line of communication. It was a cycle of fighting, sweeping it under the rug, and making up just to keep the peace. You whine about not being loved; and he doesn't react to your emotionalizing the way you want him to. He notices your immaturity, and it is the main reason you both fight so much. You can blame him, but you confessed a lot about your own behavior in your post.
That is why I said write stuff down. Not sit behind your computer, or on your laptop. Handwritten journals force people to sit and think. It is also a less mechanical or digital way of expressing your feelings. Write it all down. Not the complaint you wrote to us. The stuff you feel that you want to say, but don't know how to express to him. Then you will see what most of this is all about. You weren't ready for marriage when you did it. Someone jumped the gun before the other was ready; or one of you was dragging your feet. Yet you did it anyway. Now that is all rising to the surface.
Stop begging him for affection. Express affection without expecting anything back. You're not playing ping-pong. Give kisses or hugs generously; but stop pouring it on, and expecting an equal payback. It's not done that way. Let him come to you of his own free will. Back-off from fights even when you're right. Learn some self-control. If he's disrespectful, lay it out and say it. WITHOUT TEARS!!!
Feel yourself getting emotional or angry, step-away to compose yourself before you open your mouth. He is still the man you married, you dragged the unresolved baggage you had as a dating-couple into a marriage. Now you feel caged-up with it. Learn how to talk to each other. Stop screaming! Address that stuff I listed above one item at a time; and compromise on each. All of the above! Watch things change. It will not happen over-night. It takes a life-time of practice. If he doesn't work along with you; then seriously consider divorce. Love is wasted, unless two people contribute equal effort.
Hand him the ultimatum to part; unless he is willing to work it out like two adults. You're not "dating-kids" anymore. If he blames you for everything, don't argue with him in defense of yourself. Ask him to give you proof how you f*cked-up, and you promise to fix it. Or, ask him how to make it right. If he can't, ask him not to blame you for stuff; if he has no solid evidence it's your fault.
You want to be listened to, and taken seriously? Block the tears and behave as his equal. Stop begging him to baby you. You're a grown-woman.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2015):
 Definitely better communication and wait for your intense emotions to subside before talking about issues. This is a guy who finds it hard to deal with confrontations. You are thinking he doesn't care about your feelings and doesn't fight for you to stay. He's thinking if in a marriage there are always heated moments and fighting then it's not worth it.
If you are upset about something try not to make it his fault. While it is okay to express what you are feeling it's not okay to attack or demean a person to get your point across. When you get angry always end the argument with "I love you." and a hug. It's better to love than to prove who's right or wrong. Take care of your health too. Lack of sleep and nutrients can make you cranky.
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