A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for 14 years now, and have not truly been unfaithful. our sex life has now dried up for the last couple of years. i have met another girl a lot younger than me, also with a boy friend. the two of us share each others secrets and feelings. she is in my thoughts most off the time and sometimes my heart beats faster when i think of here. her feelings for me are the same, we have not crossed any line yet but we are close. I still love my wife she is my best friend and confidant and well I do not want to hurt her. so any advice please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I met a man who told me that he was separated, his wife wanted a divorce. He was kind, gentle, funny, self-effacing. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker. We were talking long-term future.
Then his wife changed her mind and he went home, for the sake of the kids.
The problem was, I was already so deep in love.
I changed work assignments twice, moved across the country, tried to forget him. But I felt so bad I finally just quit my job. I literally lost $50,000 in various efforts to get past the situation. A friend moved in with me and stayed for two years. I drank - and I had never been a drinker. I took sleeping pills and still slept no more than 2 hours per night. I had a pain in my side that lasted nearly a year. And I nearly went insane with questioning my own judgment. We weren't even physically intimate - but he has no idea how hard it was for me to say no.
You don't know how much you have already hurt the younger woman by extending yourself in a way you are not likely to follow through on. You need to start extricating yourself, explaining yourself, explaining why this won't work. You are going to end up doing it anyway because you don't want to hurt your wife. Be the kind of guy who refuses to get what he wants at great expense to a helpless woman. Who will hold her after you've gone back to your wife? Who will help her pay the bills when she's too upset to hold down a job? Who will sit up at night with her when she can't rest? Who will keep her from driving drunk or overdosing on sleeping pills? Who will tell her that she's still a good person, that life is still worth living, when all she wants to do is die?
Even if she doesn't love her boyfriend, at least give her the chance to go find someone else who can give her a complete commitment. You're a good man, you don't mean to play with her heart and her mind, but you have. Let her go and feel good twenty years from now that you did.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): this younger girl is not the anwswer to your problems, in fact she may just be the start. so, you are feeling somewhat excited by this younger girls attention. she is stroking your ego. she makes you feel special. you want to be with her. SNAP OUT OF IT. you are currently having an emotional affair with her. this has crossed the marital lines of feelings, secrets and intimacy.
you are putting yourself and your marriage at risk. you may not even want to hear this but your wife may also be tired of you, no sex or even predictable sex. many many men fail to realise that we married women also LOVE sex , we are not these maidens who feaks when we see a penis. we also love rough sex, stimulated sex, perhaps a bit shy to reveal this to even our hb's. so the predictable sex is unsatisfying - have you considered that she feels that you are not up to std in the bedroom anymore, that you are in fact the boring one.
if you don't communicate, share storeies, feelings and secrets how are you going to find out. all your thoughts and energies are spent on this young girl. you have already stolen precious time from your marriage and wife, that is why you are not prioritising your wife.
you will be very surprised if you asked your wife about her sexual thoughts. if you are so consumed by this girl i am almost certain you are also falling short in the bedroom. maybe you cum too quickly. or even not at all. do you know your wifes special spots on her body. what she likes and even what she doesn't. what she prefers even?
i am certain if you ask she will gladly give you a blowjob but really do you want this from your wife or the young girl? i think right now no matter what your wife will do for you your unhealthy appetite for this other woman is consuming you.
be care what you wish for. your nightmare may just come true. you have a choice so choose wisely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Please! Please! Please Don't! Let me give you my perspective, as the "pretty young thing" that got in the way...I was recently seperated from my husband and having some emotional battles of my own (which I believe anyone who gets involved with a married individual or strays from a marriage has) and this married man helped to distract me from all of that. He, too, was in a "sexless" marriage. Loved his wife, but was no longer in love with her. He, too, cared deeply about hurting her, but that presented itself as a challenge to me. (I know I'm making myself look like trash here, but I'm willing to do it in hopes that it paints a realistic picture of what could happen). I pursued him even harder and it honestly didn't take long before we were having the affair. During those months we were together, I rarely felt guilty as I truly believed I had fallen in love with him and he with me. To put it bluntly, I didn't give a shit about anyone but myself!One day, and that day always comes- she found a text message. It all blew up, right then and there!! All the lies began to unravel, the pain, the tears, the heartache... it all surfaced and ripped everyone's world apart! I suddenly became obsolete. Literally, overnight, done! He never called me again, except once, to blame me for destroying his marriage (which is so ironic considering he was certainly not a silent partner in the venture... but whatever, not relevant). He broke my heart (not looking for sympathy)- but I spent months trying to recover from it. My self esteem suffered, my ability to trust my own judgement; I questioned my self control, my morals, my values, EVERTHING about me!! I cried a lot and walked around very angry at the world for a long time. As for their marriage, I hear it is in shambles... His wife follows him around now, checks his on-line phone bill to see who he communicates with daily, questions all of his friends, and of course, he can't go out without a full explanation of where, when and why... She's afraid, she has unsettled emotions, she loves him, she hates him, she wants to trust him, but she can't. She fears every move he makes. She cires a lot. Oh, and by the way, their children witness all of this bliss daily.Who do you think came out the winner after this "fling"? Absolutely NO ONE!! So please, if I can help you to see that it's just not worth it, then it would actually make my experience just a bit easier to bear. Life's lessons are designed to be passed on. Learn from mine and don't put yourself or your wife in the position to have to learn this one from experience.The pain and irrevocable damage that comes from an affair simply doesn't compare to the small satisfaction that you will "temporarily" feel. It really really doesn't.If you love your wife, stay with her and fix your marriage.Where there is love, there is hope.I do hope my experience has helped you in some way.xo
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): What do you mean you love your wife and she is your best friend? You don't love her as much as you love yourself, that's obviouse. What is love in your mind? People always confuse love with feelings. Love is not a feeling, feelings change and are sometimes not as strong as we would like them to be. Love is a COMMITMENT, remember when you made all those vows? Through sick and through poor til death do us part? Dude, that means I promise to stick by you even when the going gets rough and we are having hard times. If you got diagnosed with cancer tomarrow who would sit by your side as you fought it? Would this young girl, or your supposed best friend? Don't be a fool. At least own what your doing. You want to be selfish even if it means you have to hurt the woman you claim to love. If things have dried up lately than why is your focus not on working on that. Plan something romantic for your wife, sweep her off her feet again, stop wasting your energy on a younger girl. Would you care if a bad guy broke into your home, hurt your wife and destroyed what you have built over the years? Of course you would, but what if that bad guy was a young attractive girl and did the same through an affair with you? Same thing if you think about it. Stop contimplating and considering this. Get your mind back on track and focus on your marriage. If you plant an apple seed, your gonna grow and apple tree. So watch out for the things you let yourself always think about. Forget this gril or you will do everything you know you shouldn't and I promise you it will not be worth it and you will regret it. She is that young and willing to cheat on her boyfriend? What do you think you will establish something with her and she will end up being faithfull to you. Ha. Come on guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 May 2009):
 OK, you have checked out of the marriage emotionally. As far as I think it is important that husband and wife are the best of friends - they really aren't, they are SO much more.
Talk to your wife, get to the bottom of WHY some part of the marriage isn't working. Maybe she doesn't really want sex because the sex you bring to the bed is boring? Did you know that 75% of married "frigid" women aren't really frigid? They are just really bored with what they get. YET, they stay married, because for them sex is not the most important thing to them.
If you cheat, consider this. You not only HURT your wife, you cheart on yourself. You sell your values and morals short, for a quick thrill. Yes, it is lovely when someone gives you all that attention, the feeling of lust, little secrets...
What about the woman's boyfriend? Does he count?
I strongly believe in order to START a new relationship one should have the decency to END the old one first, and truly be out/over of it.
Cheating is such a mess. Be a man. Either FIX what's broken or give your wife FREEDOM to choose to start over with someone else, you sorta already have.
You really can't have your cake and eat it. Not without cause SEVERAL people hurt feelings. And cheating with another cheater? Uh the mess, the lack of trust...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): i was in your situation had been married 20 years, met a great young girl who made me feel alive after my marriage went stale. instead of working it out with my wife i decided to have the affair. it was the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. i am now divorced and single. seems the girl was quickly off when she got bored and i was left looking like the idiot i most certainly am.
looking back i see how i treated my wife, i never tried to work things out with her, but went running to a girl i thought i knew and loved. listen to these other people here dont give up on your marriage because you will regret it.
yes maybe it seems like fun and love but it never is once you get it. i would give anything to turn back the clock and have my wife back. sex or no sex she is the one i loved after all. and i will die regretting it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): If one woman isn't enough for you, a dozen won't be too many. It seems like the only problem in your marriage is the sex aspect, so if you can get to the bottom of what the problem is and fix it, it will be a lot less painful than the almost inevitable divorce and upset all round if things get out of hand with this younger woman.
The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but it rarely is. I know only too well what the temptations of an affair, the affair itself when it happens and the trauma following discovery feel like, and I can assure you there will be a lot of gut-wrenching heartache and tears for everyone waiting just around the corner if you give in to the temptation. It's bloody good fun and exciting at the time, but the aftermath is not at all pleasant. Take it from someone that knows!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): It would be the easy thing to do but you obviously think a lot of your wife and it is not worth risking hurting her feelings. If something is wrong with your sex life it usually indicates that something else in the relationship is wrong, so have a heart-to-heart with your wife and although it may not be easy, you will get closer. If you both aren't able to do this, consider having counselling at Relate.
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A
female
reader, SexDrive1ohhh1  +, writes (14 May 2009):
 Wow! One of the toughest situations a married couple comes across in marriage. I see your heart is in the right place by saying you do not want to hurt your wife! Well then the simple solution would be - dont! You and your wife need to sit down, and chat about things. What most couples lose focus on in their relationship as the years go by, is the physical aspect. But that could be due to many things... such as work(you drift apart just because you are so busy that u dont concentrate on your relationship, you just go with the flow), kids(they take up so much of your time), etc.
I would suggest - Make a time where you both can chat about things that are worrying you. Start making time for eachother again, like you used to when you were dating or as in the first couple of years of marriage. Set aside time for the little things you used to do together. Set aside time for sex. Which is a big thing in one's marriage. You'll find that in the beginning, it will feel awkward, but after a while you wont need to make time anymore, it will just be spontaneous! Which is how it should be.
Once all of this is sorted, you'll also find, you wont even be putting yourself in situations where you can meet other woman and where the opportunity is there to cheat, etc. That won't even be a factor anymore.
Don't let an 'emotional' attachment ruin your marriage. It's really not worth it!
Goodluck! I really hope you make the right decision!
xx
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