| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My husband of 30 years has just had an affair! He moved out 6 months ago, saying the relationship was not working, and then I found out he was seeing a woman 20 years younger, is living with her, and has been on holiday with her. Everyone we know knows about the affair.I dont know what to do, I love him and we have been together so long, but I dont know if I could ever trust him again.He has now left the woman, but I wont let him back home. I have told him I need time!
View related questions:
affair, moved out, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (26 September 2006):
 You need to work out what you really want to come out of this situation.
Remember he has done it once whats stopping him doing it again? You take him back to him it shows with a little bit of work to your marriage and he has pretty much got away with it.
If you do take him back you need to make it very clear this is not only his second chance it is his LAST chance and next time there is no going back he has lost you for good.
Good luck :o)
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (25 September 2006):
 You seem terribly concerned that everyone knows. First of all If they are true friends, they will be glad to know in order to help you get through it and as far as the others...they never did matter and any reaction other than offering you support and friendship proves it.
Now, 30 years is a long time and it must be very hard to find out that the person you have spent your life with is not exactly who you thought he was. But, that does not mean he his worthless and of no merit...it means he found something that made him wake up for a moment....perhaps he was sleeping inside...or going through the midlife crisis etc....WHAT ever there is a reason and even if you don't understand and He really does not either...if he's never done this before....and knows he's made a terrible mistake....should you not forgive him? In 30 years did you not make a mistake so bad you thought he'd never forgive you? I have only been married 15 years and I have made about 4 life changing mistakes and hundreds of really stupid small ones...and my hubby has made at least one biggie per year...but I love him with no conditions...and yes we have been through the affair process....and it is not a deal breaker if you don't want it to be. Affairs are always a much bigger deal to those who have never had one....once you experience one...you realise what "It meant Nothing" means.
You are at the...he didn't love me enough to not have an affair...and I don't love him enough to forgive him for one, stage. Maybe that's true....but if you were secure with that absolute...you would not be here.
So here is permission. You can forgive him if you want to. And you can get past it if you will allow it...and the hard part is not dwelling on every detail and punishing him for it forever. And...you can have a much closer more secure marriage if you both want it.
He is 100% responsible for his actions...But you are 100% responsible for your own and if you want to pout and stew about how he has hurt you....then enjoy your pride...it will be your companion. However, if you want your Family intact....it might be worth a shot at forgiveness.
Yes it is a nightmare for you....you will hate her and him and yourself and anyone who knew and didn't tell you and you will be sure your never going to get over it...and then one day...you will realise you have not thought about it all day...then a week...and soon it is something you think about once in a while...proud of yourself for seeing it as not such a big thing that it needs to steal all the wonderful moments you have had since. And, one day your somehow glad it happened...for what can be lost is more treasured than things chained to our ankle. Do what you want in your deepest heart and to heck with what anyone else THINKS!
...............................
A
female
reader, Keeley +, writes (25 September 2006):
 30 years is a long tme, I really feel for you any relationship is ought when it falls apart but more so when it is for a nuber o years, My heart is with you right now I know it is tough but you will pull through. ight now you must feel like you have lost a big part of your life but remember this once he left you alone but he cant do it to you again, once he hurt you broke your heart he cant do that again either. Dont worry abot other people and what they do or dont know start doing things with friends going out having a hobby or even stay here with us and give advice to others you are now with us your friends if you want to talk or sare your experiences.
Finally the bottom line is if he left you onc dont allow yourself to be used or abuse like this again 30yrs means nothing to him in compaed to how ever long he was with his ex-lady.
Dont take him back, obviously the grass was not geener on the other side and no he cant have his cake and eat it.
Be strong babe cos right now your confused but only your heart and head will know what is right for you. Paragraph 2 says it all I think for you.
Best of luck and I am here if you want to talk more.
Big love
Keeley :-)
...............................
|
