A
female
age
,
*mazingJourney59
writes:I have been married 27 years and even though I keep telling my husband that it bothers and hurts me when he constantly looks at and makes comments about other women, he continues to do it and tells me to stop freaking out. I don't freak out, I politely tell him that it bothers me when he does this in front of me. I tell him he is being disrespectful, but he disagrees one hundred percent.After 23 years of marriage, he got a girlfriend much younger than himself and was with her for four months. I stuck by him through this affair and have suspected he has cheated on me with others as well. He tells me he loves me but continues to flirt, make comments, and stare at other women. When he is out with his friends,he uses his money to get women's attention. I keep saying I can't live with this any longer but I keep staying. I know I can't change him but I want him to stop the bad behavior. It is only getting worse and don't know what to do anymore! Any advice???
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affair, cheated on me, flirt, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (4 April 2007):
 The insidious part of a bad relationship is how you can gradually become an island. Another way to look at a bad relationship is comparing it cooking a frog by slowly heating up the water. That frog has no idea how bad his situation is getting. Sorry, I'm mixing my metaphors.
Thanks for the positive feedback, but I'll feel like my advice has gotten somewhere when you tell me that you've separated or gotten the two of you into counseling.
Good luck and take care!
A
female
reader, AmazingJourney59 +, writes (3 April 2007):
AmazingJourney59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild Thaing....You will never know how much I appreciate your responses and words of encouragement. You've been great!!I truly appreciate you.I've needed people like you, and others that have responded, for a long time. I have a tendancy to keep things to myself and am a master at hiding my feelings.After my day Sunday (sigh), I decided it was time to ask for advice and input. I am so happy I found you guys!!!!Thanks again!!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 April 2007):
Furthermore, tearing your marriage license was the right thing to do. For once you let your inner voice come out!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 April 2007):
"I guess I live with this torture because it's the only life I know and afraid to make the first step to get out."
The only way you will heal from this "torture" is to remove yourself from this relationship. He may not have been the initial reason for have your self-esteem problem but every day that you stay is a day that you lose in becoming the healed person you want to be.
To read your most recent reply is to see through the eyes of someone who feels trapped. But the trap is self-created and you are too damaged right now to see this.
You say, "When I think about divorce, the only thing I can think about is hurting him." If you had high self-esteem you would know that he is not worthy of your sympathy. But you're not there yet, and you will NEVER get there as long as you continue this disaster of a marriage.
There is more to life than what you are living. Your inner voice is telling you so. You can claim your self-respect and self-esteem if you are brave enough to see the endless possibilities that await you.
There is always a way out for those who choose to see and choose to act. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, AmazingJourney59 +, writes (3 April 2007):
AmazingJourney59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi TellulahYou wonder what my husband looks like....I don't want to sound mean because I never want say or do anything to intentionally hurt him.He feels really bad about his weight and aging (he just turned 50) and I am very supportive of helping him try to lose weight, but he just doesn't have the willpower.He is 5'10" and has went bald. He weighs 240 pounds.Saying all of this, I often believe he is trying to hit on young and good looking girls to make himself believe that he's still okay. Regardless, I still think it's disrespectful to me to carry on the way he does about other women when I am with him.(or even if I am not with him!) Most of these women don't even know he's going nuts over them. He sits back getting all excited and making comments about how "hot" they are. Thus, making me feel ugly and not good enough for him. I guess I live with this torture because it's the only life I know and afraid to make the first step to get out.When I think about divorce, the only thing I can think about is hurting him. No matter what he does to me, I never want to hurt him. He has those sad puppy dog eyes and it breaks my heart if I think I have hurt him. I definitely need some help!!I got married when I was 19 years old and am now 47. Being so used to the torment and grief, it's like a way of life, and I live one day at a time, thinking each day that things will change and I will finally be happy. I love this man more than I could possibly love any person in the whole world, but at the same time, I feel so bad about the way he treats me and these "other women!!!!" Physically, I will never be what he wants in a woman and it frustrates me. I'm not bad looking, I just don't have the perfect hard body and big boobs!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 Oh my god, you tore a piece of paper in half.
And you can never replace it, unless you go to the licence office and get another that is. Although why you would want to, I cant imagine.
Seriously, take a look at what you have just told us. If I were your mate and my Husband treated me this way, what would you advise me to do?.
I am wondering what this man looks like?, he must be built like a god with the looks to match. Or what possible reason would you have for living with such torture.
You sound like a slave, to his every whim, and you get nothing in return.
I dont know about you not being worthy, I think he is not fit to lick your shoes love.
I cant force you to leave him, but I think deep down you know thats the only answer.
I hope your ok. XXX
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A
female
reader, AmazingJourney59 +, writes (3 April 2007):
AmazingJourney59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Wild Thaing, Tellulah, and the Anonymous.....Thank You So Much for taking the time to respond to "my problem."
All of you made me really think about my situation.
I guess I needed some outside input to finally listen.
(I need to vent more now because he was once again being very disrespectful last night and this morning).
I'm so happy you mentioned my "self-esteem" and "confidence," or lack of, because it's been nearly impossible to have either of these when I am constantly feeling bad about myself for not feeling attractive enough or having the body of an 18 year old. When I'm with my husband and he lusts over the younger women, I feel horrible for days. I never feel jealous of these women, I just feel sad & angry that my husband doesn't fuss over me, give me compliments, or make me feel wanted like he seems to want these other women. I ask him if these women would do the things I do for him without even thinking about it... Put on his socks for him, tie his shoes, have his ice water waiting on his table when he gets from work, have a blanket in the dryer getting warm for him when it's cold outdoors, and constantly babying him and catering to his every want when he's sitting in his recliner in the evening. I do these things because I love and care about him, not because I want anything in return. He loves me for everything I do for him but he wants a younger woman with a perfect body to look at and flirt & play with. I hate whining about all this and being such a big baby, because my friends say, "boys will be boys," but it would sure be nice for my husband to give me a compliment or look at me with wanting eyes once in a while.
In another post I mentioned my height and weight, so it's not that my husband finds me unattractive because I'm overweight and look bad. I could use a little toning up, but am not overweight at all. I even bought some sexy Victoria Secret extreme push up bras hoping he'd notice me more because he loves big boobs. He noticed, but kind of made fun of me at the same time :(
Do you think he is like the way he is because we have been married for so long and he's too used to me???
I keep thinking he is bored with the same person for so long and wants to look at/flirt with something new and exciting. I try make sex different all the time & surprise him with new things, and he's always very pleased with it. But once it's over, he treats me bad and disrespectful again.
Another concern I have is that if he carries on with other women like he does when he's with me, what in the world does he do when he's out without me???
He gets upset if he suspects I don't trust him, but after being in a long term affair four years ago, and having his wandering eye, he's gave me no reason to trust him now.
Also, he took my wedding & engagement ring away from me a couple years ago and won't let me have them back. He said it takes a special woman to be worthy enough to be his wife and I have not proved to be that yet. He added that when I prove that, he will consider returning them. He wears his wedding band every day and gets upset if I don't wear a ring. (I have a ring with a diamond that looks like an engagement ring and he never wants me to go out without it)
I got angry with him & did a horrible thing!! He said it destroyed the marriage, so I am not worthy of being his wife just yet. (I know this is unforgivable, and I'm still beating myself up for it, but I am so sorry, regret it, and wish I could take it back.......I was trying to do a really nice thing for him and asked him a yes or no question. He said he would answer me later. I asked him to say yes or no, then he became very angry and yelled at me. I was tired of constantly being yelled at and ignored.
It hurt my feelings so I tore our marriage license in half.
I knew the second I did it how wrong I was and regretted it. I can't even describle the depth of my regret and feeling so bad about what I did. I acted in anger and will never forgive myself. He obviously won't forgive me either.
Again, thank you so much for your responses, help and input.
Sorry this was so long and for my whining!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (3 April 2007):
Hi,
I think its interesting that you say you do not have the two things this man likes the most, blonde hair and big boobs. You have to laugh, doesn't this man scream shallow.
You sound fine to me, and like you say you take care of yourself. Why should you put up with this horrid person, and live your life waiting for him to show you a bit of affection.
I really would ditch the bugger, and hope he is as unhappy, as he has made you.
Go on......... you can do it. You never know, the man of your dreams could be waiting round the corner. And your never going to meet him with that growth of a man still attatched are you?.
We will all be here for you to talk to. XXXX
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 April 2007):
Time for you to make your husband understand what he stands to lose.
Leave or kick him out. Once this is done, start healing. You do not yet realize what this kind of relationship does to self-esteem.
When he grows up and you have healed, you can then deal with him on surer footing.
You claim you do not know what to do. It is more accurate to say that you are unsure if you can do what your inner voice is screaming for you to do. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Leave him, he's only going to carry on with his behaviour and have even more affairs. You can do much better than this. There are many guys who are faithful and single, go and get one of them as a replacement for your cheating husband.
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A
female
reader, AmazingJourney59 +, writes (2 April 2007):
AmazingJourney59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tellulah! You made me feel better about myself instead of worrying about his feelings.
My real problem is not being able to stand up for myself.
I have let him get away with anything through the entire marriage and he sometimes brags about it. He says no matter what, I will always be there for him. I have a really hard time defending myself or standing up to him.
In the recent past, he was upset because another man did show me attention. He wouldn't talk to me for two days!!Whenever he thinks another man finds me attractive, he gets very defensive and angry with me.
I make a conscious effort of taking care of myself and trying to stay in shape. (I am 5'2" and 112 pounds).
Unfortunately,I lack the only two things he wants in a female....Blonde hair and really big breasts :(
Thanks again for your response!
I will keep posting with updates!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 April 2007):
Yes Leave him.
You wont change him, because you have let him get away with murder. He does this to you because he has no respect for you. Really when you think about it why should he change.
How about you changing?, and standing up for yourself. Try making the most of your life and getting back some confidence, because I think thats what you lack.
I'm not sure about you, but i think us girls are so busy looking after our men, that we often forget ourselves.
I bet if you start to look different and attractive to other men, he wont be able to deal with it.
He needs a dose of his own behaviour, to see how it feels when you are being put down.
Like you say, "you cant change him", but you can certainly kick him into touch. And if that doesn't work, put him out with the rubbish.
Love is an easy word to say, but its the respect that you need.
Let us know how you get on XX
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