A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 young boys. We are happily married and are of Indian origin but we were both born in the UK where we have both lived all our life.The first 2-4 years of our marriage was blighted by my wife thinking that I was in love with my ex as I apparently spoke about her all he time. She thought I was still seeing her...Our sex life for the first 5 years was very poor as I could not make her cum. Our sex life now is much better and this has been the case for the last 2 years.Part of this improvement is being a little more honest about what we both like. I admitted to liking the feeling of her with someone else. Over the last 5-6 months, she has opened up about her sexual experiences and told me about a sexual relationship for around a year long before we met. In addition, she spoke about a work relationship which was ongoing when she met me. She said she was happy to finish that as she had met and agreed to marry me.She has gone on to also reveal that she was upset and confused about me talking about my ex girlfriend and within months of being engaged, had restarted a sexual relationship with the boyfriend she finished with when she met me. She told me about how one thing led to another and she would suck his cock in the car and also use a flat after work to fuck. She stopped about 3 weeks before we got married as she left work.Because of my behaviour, she restated this sexual relationship within months of getting married and this affair carried on for what I believe is around 2 years when he left her as she would not leave me. She has admitted to trying to leave me loads of times but could never go through with it as she had feelings for me.Whilst I get very excited when she explains the dirty details of their encounters which includes staying 5-9 nights with him when I thought she was at her parents.I am now confused as whilst this is a massive turn on, I am also angry that she cheated on me for so long where they spoke about how I couldn't satisfy her.We are happy and have a great life together and this all happened around 14 years ago.Should I be angry.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 I would be angry. She has basically been living a lie with you. How can you trust her after this? If it was me it would not be a turn on, it would break my heart. It would question who I am and what my marriage means. It is for you to decide what this means for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016): Nature program this frustrating little quirk into us to make us try to reclaim our threatened territory. But it's a physical thing.Emotionally what she did was just wrong. No excuses for it. "One thing led to another" is crap.Same thing for the "It was before we were married!" excuses that some people try to float. If she had been honest with you about her cheating at the time and said "hey, no big deal, we aren't married or anything" would you have accepted that? I don't think so. The fact that you got married later does nothing to make it less wrong at the time. And you are not obligated to accept her cheating in the past just because you went on to get married and have a good relationship later. If you didn't know the truth then you were manipulated into the marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016): The conflicted feelings are natural, and the feeling of betrayal is also a normal response. You and your wife have worked-out some difficult problems that might be pretty common in marriage and long-term relationships.
You should feel what you feel, as far as the cheating goes; but turned-on is more or less a inherent primitive sexual response. Perhaps as compared to arousal from porn or a racy romance novel. It's the story that is the turn-on, and the fantasy it creates is a very human response. Imagining our partners entangled in a love-tryst is a spicy fantasy, and I think it's pretty common among men. Most of us would go bonkers if it ever came to reality. Like the rush received from acting-out a sexual-fetish or fantasy; but then it's not so hot when you come down off the endorphin high. Then jealousy and resentment are the primary emotional responses. Like your feelings about the incident vacillates from hot to cold. Arousal to pain. It's a very adult issue.
Keep it all in context. It's your wife telling you the dirty details, and the purpose is to arouse you and a confession to purify her guilt. You both have made progress in your marriage. You've come a long way, after making mistakes earlier on. You've learned a lot.
I caught my domestic partner in bed with someone else, and it was surely a terrible shock. It was very painful to me, and I was completely enraged. My partner is very handsome and his cheating partner was younger and quite good-looking; and to be honest, the visual was quite hot.
My anger and feeling of betrayal canceled out the arousal, and it took time to be able to deal with it without feeling very upset. It still hurts sometimes, although he died years ago. My anger about it was set upon the principle that our relationship was exclusive, and we were committed to each other. I had to yield to my principals and values, and overlook my hormonal/sexual responses. As should you.
You both must forgive each other; but don't get any notions in your head about bringing a third-party into your relationship. Keep that fantasy mental and do not act it out. You'll introduce a whole new set of issues into your marriage.
You feel the same conflicted emotions as anyone else who loves their partner. You had some obstacles to overcome in your journey together through life. Temptation is one of the biggest!
My suggestion is that you try not to dwell on the dirty details too long, because the mental images will sour. The turn-on was based on the romantic climate during which she offered you the details. It was meant to get you heated, also to clear her conscience by drawing out some of the poison. Even my partner and I did bring up that cheating incident during sex, but it was never discussed any other time. It took too long for me to heal from it, and he went through a lot of effort to regain my trust.
Let the past be the past. If you've maintained 14 years and made it to this point. Stay on your present course. Don't allow lust or deviance to get the better of you, and put the wrong ideas in your head. You will setback years of good progress. Trust me on that, my good man.
Best of luck to you and your wife. She truly loves you, and I have no doubt you love her too!
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