A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok here goes....I'm 42 and I got married 4 years ago, to Bill, for all the wrong reasons. I had been single for about 5 years and trying to take care of two teenage girls on my own. I really convinced myself that even though there wasn't alot of sexual chemistry with Bill that he did have some good qualities and I would be secure. Well, things have changed. Bill drinks entirely too much and drives his work vehicle sometimes even with his child on board. We have had many in depth discussions about the possibility of horrible things happening as a result. He could lose his job, get arrested, hurt or kill himself...someone else...or his child; to say the least. He always just wants to try to cut back on the alcohol..never wants to seek help. He will never be able to cut back or do this on his own....but that's always the plan. He usually drinks at least a 12 pack of beer a day...some days much more. The sex has also gone way down hill. He is having premature ejaculation to the point that it happens before we have intercourse sometimes. I have begged for him to do something about both problems....with my help of course, but he has not.Now...for my part in this horrible mess. I have a friend who is male/single and we work together. We have for at least 10 years. We also slept together prior to my marriage. We talk several times a day now and it has gotten pretty intense. We recently slept together again. I feel so wrong and so right all at the same time...if that makes any sense. I really think I've know for years how I felt about this man, even before I married Bill. We are best of friends, on the same page about so much and I think we are really meant to be together...if there is such a thing, we talk about everything. I can tell he cares for me but he won't really say. I know he wants me sexually but I'm afraid that he will never want a relationship. I have told him how I feel but he says I have to base what I do next on me and Bill...and he's exactly right. I know that this marriage will most likely fail and that will happen no matter if my friend and I are together or not in the future. I never thought I could let myself get into this situation. Please tell me what you think.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 I think you're making a common mistake. This other guy is not your friend. It amazes me how people throw that label around. He was your lover and presently he's the guy you're cheating on your husband with. That is not a friend. Even though you've tried to reason with your husband, you moved on too quickly to another guy. You forgot to finish what you started with your husband.
You were correct to speak with your husband about the issues that cloud you're marriage. Unfortunately you clouded the issue by bringing this other man into the picture. I imagine you've always maintained a bit of a flirtatious type relationship with this other guy so he was an easy choice. If you add to that the problem that you probably vent to him about your marriage, you've also become easy prey for him. He already knows what to say to stir you up.
You need to fix what you've got or leave what you've got. Then you are in a postiion to start something new.
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