A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there! So, I know I'm probably gonna get a loooooot of answers telling me not to be a slut and to stop acting like a baby and so on and so forth. I've read them on numerous other posts. But I would really appreciate some kind advice please. I am a married woman. I've been married for 7 years now and I love my husband so much and he loves me too. We don't find out marriage 'boring' yet and we have no trouble showing each other how much we love each other. However, I've recently met a guy at work who seems to like me but I'm not sure and I don't know what to do. I can't deny the fact that I'm attracted to him. We don't actually talk much at all, but he told me once that he liked my hair. And then yesterday, I noticed him looking me up and down. He knew that I saw him looking at me, and I feel like he did it on purpose, like he wanted me to know he was looking. I don't know if he was looking at me lustfully or if he was just checking to see if I'm fat or have a weird body shape. I have NO intention of cheating on my husband because I love him so much and can't imagine doing that to him. But I am attracted to this guy in a way that I'm worried could become unhealthy later on. I don't think about things like sex with him or anything like that. I don't even fantasize about being with him romantically. But I like the attention i get from him because it makes me feel good about myself, like people still find me attractive even though I've been married for 7 years. i can't distance myself because I see him like 3 times a week at work... I would like to be friends but I know that it's very hard to have a platonic relationship like that especially when the attraction is there. Now, I feel guilty for having these feelings and like I'm under so much stress. I try to behave around this guy as normally as possible because I'm afraid that something I do or say might make him think that I'm leading him on, like I'm flirting with him. I know it's very easy to misinterpret body language and all. I'm not sure whether he knows that I'm married or not. In the past, guys who know I'm married have treated me like I'm poison. They stay well away, which is fine but it can feel weird. I'm worried that if he doesn't know I'm married and if he finds out, he might do the same and I don't like that because it would make the working relationship weird and so uncomfortable. Like I said, I'd like to be friends. I would really like some advice on how to handle a situation like this please. I am not going to cheat on my husband. I'm not stupid enough to risk losing someone I love so much just for some casual sex with another guy. I do have an attraction to this guy, but I know I can get over it after a couple of weeks easily, like I have done with others in the past. However, i find it's going to be really hard because it seems like he's flirting with me too. I would love it if he didn't because it makes things so easy. What can i do? I am quite miserable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2022): You have had crushes on OTHERS in the past TOO OP? Hmmmm. I am starting to think there is an issue with YOU, and not your husband or marriage. Instead of asking strangers on the internet, why don't you go to a professional therapist or psychiatrist and ask him/her why you act this way?
There is something going on with you that easily diverts your attention to any guy who is making you feel attractive. You have LOW self esteem. That is evident. You are not a confidant woman and you rely on men to make you feel like you are special. You don't think you are. And this is the wrong way to go about it. Because they are not the solution. Even after you would step out and do the deed, the self loathing and self hatred would still be there, only worse, and your self esteem would go further down the black hole because no man can ever make you love yourself or fill an empty void you have deep within. Make healthier choices for yourself. You need to talk to someone who can guide you on how to rebuild your self esteem and address (childhood) issues which are detrimental to your happiness. Then you will see that you don't need this kind of attention. In fact, you may actually be repulsed by it. Thinking that these guys only view you as a piece of meat and you are SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! You just need to believe it. All I know is that when men ogled me and I was married, I was so turned off by them. They KNEW I was married and their attention on me was very unflattering. Because they thought I was so weak and desperate that I could be an easy lay! Boy did they change their minds quickly when I ignored them and from that moment on, they NO LONGER EXISTED. Try doing that with this disgusting piece of trash that is ogling you. He will get the hint. Then watch him move onto the next victim he thinks he can easily fuck.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 April 2022):
 All direct quotes from your post:
- I've recently met a guy at work who seems to like me but I'm not sure
- We don't actually talk much at all
- he told me once that he liked my hair
- then yesterday, I noticed him looking me up and down
Is this really all the attention it takes for you to fixate on a guy? May I suggest the other guys who "treated you like poison" (your words) did so because they could tell that, the slightest encouragement, and you would be getting all obsessed with them?
Perhaps you should ask you husband, who you profess to love so much, how you should handle this situation? I am sure he can give you his thoughts.
Being in a relationship does not stop us finding other people attractive. However, what we choose to do about it defines where our moral compass is set. Yours seems to currently be set at "ooh, look at me, fancy me". That really isn't a good place to be for a person in a committed relationship. You need to reset your compass to "thank you for admiring me but I am definitely off limits and not interested".
Concentrate on your marriage. Every time you think about this work colleague, replace the thought with a thought about how hurt your husband would be if he knew you were having these thoughts about another man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): FGS a poster has asked a question saying she has caught a coworker eyeing her figure. Suddenly that coworker is called a creep and a pig and whatnot. Has looking at a womans figure suddenly become a crime? Cos if it is then the prisons should be filled with men. My advice is keep things in prespective. It is very very common for men admiring a woman with nice figure. Also office romance office admiration office best friends office stories are pretty common otherwise what will make those stressful and boring office hours bearable? My advice just keep your feelings under tap as you are already doing there would be nothing to fear. Enjoy the attention and thank your lucky star you are attractive. God luck and be smart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): You say in the past guys who knew you were married treated you like poison, and this upset you. Why? These are the guys who are respectful and decent. They stay away because they realise you are spoken for and it would be wrong to try it on with you. They realise that a decent man either sticks to his wife or gets a divorce from his wife or finds a single woman rather than a married one. So of course they stay away from a married woman - for her sake, her husband's sake and their own sake.
They may be concerned that husband comes to thump them on the nose or have a go at them and warn them off. They may be concerned that you will get too serious and nag them to let you move in with them. But all of this shows they are taking it seriously that you are married. Guys who think it does not matter or prefer it are scum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): The man who fancies you and ogles you does not respect you, he simply wants somewhere to stick his thing and enjoy himself.
He goes for a wife because he thinks they are more desperate for extra sex, most men fantasise about a wife being neglected by a boring husband and how she is easy pickings. They also know you cannot complain when it all goes wrong. Or nag them to see you every day if you go home to husband. Wives are seen as easy targets because they cannot be demanding or call the shots and are supposedly horny and not getting the sex they want at home. In truth an intelligent wife would make sure she gets it at home or get a divorce, but guys who fantasise about wives conveniently forget all that. And of course when guys like this focus on you it is all about sex, they don't care if you have a great personality, wit, brains, that would all be wasted on them.
They don't fantasise about taking you out for a slap up meal or exchanging information on hobbies, it is all about getting your knickers off and enjoying you. And the truth is that he would do that with any woman who was attractive, local and easy and not charging. I add the bit about not charging because guys like him often pay for sex and resent it and don't like having to, so they look for what they think is a desperate bored housewife to save them money by sleeping with them for free. He has no thoughts about romance, friendship, no thoughts about how it would affect you or your husband later, he would not care a flying fig if your husband found out and threw you out of your home to be homeless, all he cares about is that you give him free sex.
He is not a nice man. To be honest if he is the best you can do I seriously worry about you, and if you honestly think this is a compliment I worry about your lack of intelligence.
Compare it to this. Let's imagine that there are two men who are ogling you. One says let's go out for a lovely romantic meal one evening, he buys you flowers, he sends you love letters, he tells you he wants you to leave husband and move in with him, get a divorce and marry him. That would be a compliment. Even if it would be a huge mistake.
But I want somewhere to put my cock, how about it? No.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): Honeypie pretty much summed up my thoughts.
Same thing has happened to me at work when I was younger, the guy flirting and giving me extra attention. Whether there's a physical attraction there for you or not, it's exilerating.. the feeling of someone finding you attractive.. and that's what draws you to him. You do need to be aware of that. It's how he makes you feel. He's luring you in. Knowing your married makes this guy a creep.
Your husband sounds lovely. Focus on him and your marriage. You say you are, but then you say you want to be 'friends' with this guy, so sadly that leads me to think you're keen to continue this. There is no friendship there!
You must watch the movie, 'Take That Waltz'. It's about infatuation.
Think about how you'd feel if your husband had a woman doing this to him at work.. and him saying he wants to be her friend. How would you feel?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): In all relationships, there comes the moment of temptation and attraction to outsiders. You are married, and because of our human proclivities and weaknesses; you have to exchange vows, as a part of your wedding ceremony. Vows promising to remain true and faithful to each-other. You don't suddenly go deaf, dumb, and blind to others around you; just because you're married. You don't suddenly become superhuman and immune to other attractive people. You retain all your human attributes and faculties, faults, and feelings. You are just required to live-up to those promises of faithfulness and loyalty to your husband, and your husband to you. A vow is a pledge. You made it before God, witnesses, an officiator; and the man you swore you loved. How much do you mean it? Throw it all away to be told you're pretty? Are you blind, and can't see your reflection in a mirror? God says you were "fearfully and wonderfully made." He can't lie, so it must be true!
You could be the elephant man's twin sister, and a guy with an evil agenda will tell you you're pretty. Thus, you can't rely on the flatteries of men willing to destroy your marriage. If you feel unbeautiful, what gives his compliments any validity??? If your husband doesn't tell you you're beautiful anymore, does that mean you've turned into a hideous hag? Seems to me, you ought to go the guy who matters, and set him straight!!! He's the one who should be tempting you out of your clothes, and ringing your bells! Not strangers or greasy co-workers!
The devil's job is to disrupt relationships, destroy families, and marriages. Steal, kill, and destroy! That's his modus operandi. Temptation was set before the very first female of the human species; and unfortunately, she not only yielded to that temptation, she included her mate. Sharing the forbidden fruit, after she was told they could enjoy all the various fruit trees of the garden, just not that one. You know how it ends. They both got kicked out of Eden; and that old snake rejoiced thinking he'd won. God has a plan A-Z and beyond that! Plus, He forgives everything and gives us an endless number of chances to correct ourselves. He created us, and knows what we are capable of. He lends us a helping-hand through His grace; because He knows we're prone to repeating our offenses, and we easily yield to temptation. His forgiveness comes in endless supply, because we slip-up a lot. King David lusted after Bathsheba. Sent her husband who was a military leader to the frontlines of battle to get killed. He married her. He was the apple of God's eye. Yet God forgave him for adultery and murder. Our human minds will never comprehend His ways. His forgiveness is not a license to sin; because He also has wrath, and deals very harshly...I mean eternally...with repetitive, unrepentant, wicked behavior. Yes, good and merciful as He is, our Creator also has a divine temper.
Enough is enough! He sets all the rules, He's King of the multiverse, plus heaven!
Vanity, pride, and conceit are some more of our human weaknesses. We need validation from other humans to make us feel we have worth; even if we get more than a sufficient supply, we want a surplus. Our roving-eyes stray from our committed-relationships just to hear somebody else say we're hot. If you accept the bait, the gears of your mind are set in motion. You'll start to crave more morsels of attention; because greediness is another of our weaknesses. If it feels good, we want more of it. The problem with being greedy is, sometimes too much is not enough! We get past the flirtatious and empty-compliments; and start fantasizing about how far we can take it. The devil is busy at-work developing all sorts of sensual images. Creating sexual-arousal and tingling-sensations all over; weakening our impulses and self-control. Making the importance of our existing relationships seem less of value, and easier to gamble with.
The mistake we make is dwelling on it; while we remove the guardrails and safety shields on "restraint." No, it isn't true we can't help it. We no longer want to hold-back; because we want the gratification of the forbidden-fruit. Not because it's better than what we have, but just because the opportunity has presented itself. We humans are natural-born opportunists! Ask nature and our environment! Maybe just because it is different, but mainly because...we shouldn't!
Meanwhile, while giving the idea of cheating far more thought and contemplation than it deserves, it is eating at our impulse-control. Selfishness can be so very adept at justifying bad-behavior; rationalizing just about anything. That's when we proclaim the proverbial lie, that lame excuse; "that we couldn't help ourselves." That excuse doesn't seem to apply when the shoe is on the other foot. Nothing exacerbates the situation more than the refrain that..."it meant nothing!" As if those words make you feel better?!!
Well, I guess your down the rabbit hole, after dwelling on all the possibilities; and imaging how good it could be. You don't want to miss-out on the opportunity. In all reality, after all this mind-work; we reach the final decision to yield to the temptation. No longer considering if it is worth the risk of the betrayal of trust, disloyalty, a series of lies; and placing the love we've already established on the line. Years of work, down the drain! Over some impulsive random moment of lust for somebody who could give a damn about what you've lost in the process. The devil is elated; because he has now pushed you to your moment of weakness. The point of no return! He even has you lying to yourself that you can't help it. It's okay, as long as you keep it a secret. Nobody has to know! Setting yourself up, and priming yourself to do it again!
The Bible makes it simple, it says "resist the devil, and he will flee!" How many times have you had the urge to steal something? The thought just rushed through your mind! You tried on a diamond ring at a jewelry store, and wondered what it would be like to make a sudden dash out the door? Maybe you've tried on an over-priced garment at a high-end department store, and imagined removing the security tag, and hiding them under your clothing! Ever wanted to walk-out on the bill when nobody was looking at restaurant? You didn't, because you are conditioned to be honest. You'd rather pay, than face the consequences or penalties. You felt shame for even entertaining the thought. You resisted the devil, and he fled.
Your marriage is everything to you. God joined you as one flesh. Aside from God Himself, he (your spouse) is the love of your life. He is the one you hope to be by your side when you grow-old, frail, and rickety. Having those grouchy little love-quarrels in your old-age. He's the face of comfort you want to see, when you're in pain. Holding your hand when lying upon your sick bed; or standing at your side during a natural catastrophe. Being each-other's rock during a crisis.
That slime ball on your job only wants to get you naked; and treat you as he would a common streetwalker. His heart isn't in it, it is strictly transactional. Your entire body as his playground for a few minutes of his worthless attention. Then comes the guilt. You may hide it from your husband; but if you have a conscience, it will not forgive you so easily. While your spouse sticks by you; and treats you lovingly, with kindness, and totally unsuspecting. You'll still carry memories of letting some sleazy pig sweat and drool all over you; while you take the same body, and give it to your husband, as though nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, God is saddened to know. Besides the fact He witnessed everything from start to finish; the gift of love He blessed you with was exchanged for a few lustful-minutes with a man who cared nothing for you, or what you could lose. Maybe it grows into a full-blown affair; and you'll justify and protect it with lies and deception. Knowing you should have ignored it from the very start.
Okay, you've let all that other stuff wash through your brain. Now think of all this.
People often ask for "kind" answers for something they need tough-love for. Sugarcoated-sweettalk won't stop you from throwing away the best things God has ever blessed you with. This is when you need strong-words to penetrate the tough armor plating that temptation is trying to encapsulate you within. Once you cross the line, all you'll have is a broken-marriage, regret, and bunch of ridiculous excuses. Is it all worth it, my dear? Like you didn't yield to stealing, or walking-out on the check at the restaurant; you hold-out until the temptation passes. If you find you can't do it under your own strength, ask God for the help. He's on call 24/7-365!
If you don't believe there is a God, you'll have to depend on your own strength. The devil is very good at what he does. He loves unbelievers, because they don't believe he exists! My dad used to joke, there will be a lot of shocked unbelievers in hell!
Seriously!!! How much do you truly love your husband? Let that be your motivation, inspiration, and deterrent. Words are cheap! Anybody can claim to love their spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends. Your actions speak louder than your words.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2022):
 There are ZERO reasons for you to be friends with this horny creep at work. He isn't looking for friendship, he is looking to hook up with desperate and lonely coworkers. Married or really young women are usually "easier" targets. The married women, because they have more to lose IF it gets out, and the younger women because they aren't experienced with creeps like this.
I get that it can be easy to get caught up in the moment of feeling "WOW I AM attractive, just look at how that man ogles me!". It's a nice ego boost. However, it's also a manipulative MOVe from Horny Creepy dude. Because? It works. Sometimes.
If you had looked at him and raised one eyebrow in a "WTF dude?!" move or rolled your eyes at him, I would BET you he would move on to someone else to do the "elevator you are so hot mama move" on.
My advice? BE professional at work.
Compliment your husband when he looks good or makes an effort to dress up. And he will return the favor. THAT is the man you WANT to find you a hot mama. YOUR man.
Woo your man. Romance him.
And then think of this, would you still respect and love your husband if he was doing what this coworker is? Would you not find him sleazy?
Yes, grow up. That is also good advice. Reality is that we do not go blind or deaf or NEVER have another crush after we get married. We still notice attractive people. We still WANT to be noticed. We just have added responsibilities when it comes to BASIC moral behaviors. We have given a vow to another person. We have AGREED to some BASIC social rules.
"I do have an attraction to this guy, but I know I can get over it after a couple of weeks easily, like I have done with others in the past."
So THAT is where your focus should be. To get over it. There is NOTHING in it for you with this guy, on any level.
The Horny Creep is playing games with you. He isn't into you romantically. Do you want to be a pawn? Or a queen?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): OP! What kind of a man stares lustfully at MARRIED WOMEN and does it so BOLDLY and with INTENTION to FUCK THEM??? You have a great husband (most women would kill for a great husband as they are HARD TO FIND these days!!) and you do not appreciate what you already have! You are just another case of grass is greener syndrome. You and your situation is NO different from all the others.
He is a PIG OP! That is ALL he is! He does not even know you or hardly talks to you and he is already checking you out and doing it so brazenly? This is wrong on every level. He is someone who works with you. STOP. You will mess up your job and reputation and lose your husband if you are weak and insecure enough to slide down this slippery slope. Once in motion, you will just keep falling until you do something stupid and then reach rock bottom, and regret it all. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. And it NEVER ends well. But somehow everybody in the same boat seems to think they will not sink, that they will be the exception. That they are the unsinkable Titanic! Unfortunately you will drown just like the rest of us. I see the iceberg, dead ahead! But you don't! The problem is the maiden voyage is far too tempting to give a shit about the destruction it will cause down the road. After all, you are indestructible!
Don't for a minute think this is a good guy you are having thoughts about. He has done this before, and he will do it again if he ever got his way with you. Then he will IGNORE you. He will feel awkward about the whole thing, as will you. He will tell you it was a mistake, and that you can't do it anymore and that you must be professional, act like it never happened from now on. How would that feel OP? To be used and then forgotten? He will pretend like it never happened. Can you do that? No, you cannot. You are a woman. He is a man. It is easier for him.
And let's not even get into the GUILT you will feel if you ever crossed that line. You will have betrayed the man you took vows with. How could you ever make love to your husband again, look him in the eyes tenderly, say "I love you" when another guy's cock has been inside you, and you loved every minute? You will LOATHE yourself! And that kind of guilt and self loathing is something that you will need therapy to cope with down the line.
The grass is not greener on the other side. It is just a mirage because you are missing something inside you or you are lacking some excitement in your marriage. I suggest taking a hard look at your marriage and at yourself and figure out what is missing to cause you to act out in this inappropriate way. There is always something that drives this behavior because most people do not cheat in marriages. I must admit it is only 7 years in. You are in the infancy of your marriage. Are you sure you married the right man? I'd like to know WHY you are flirting with disaster? Why this PIG looks so appealing when he is not a good person to be sniffing around married women at work!! Imagine hearing he is off to his next conquest, another woman who works with you. That is how these guys operate. They will come on strong, get what they want, and then minimize it all. And you will be left feeling ashamed of yourself. For not being wiser, stronger and self respecting.
I suggest ignoring him from now on. Put that attention into your husband. This guy is someone who appears mysterious because you can make him into whoever you want. Like a romance novel. But reality is never the way you scripted it. This guy has his own faults and short comings and bad habits. His shit stinks. He does mundane things. You just don't know it. Your husband has done all the heavy lifting, through good and bad, and has stuck with you. This guy would not do that. He seems like a total womanizing creep. He will get his way and bolt.
What he is doing is no compliment OP. Don't think you are special. Guys that are so obvious about checking out women's bodies are pigs. They want just one thing. Well he is fishing in the wrong pond and with the wrong fish. You are the one who is in control. Why don't you talk to your husband about this pig and tell him he keeps eyeing you up at work, and ask his suggestion on what to do? Maybe go to HR and report him? That would be a start! He seems like a predator.
One last thing, don't do what you don't want done to you. Your husband sees beautiful women all the time I am sure. More beautiful and more sexy than you. Does he go and chase them and want to fuck them? NO. Why? Because he LOVES you. And he would not dream of hurting the one he loves. Why don't you reciprocate his love and devotion? If you LOVE your husband, you will never hurt him. Cheating is hurting him. You have no idea the kind of damage you would inflict on him, an innocent human being, for being so callous and selfish.
Having other men desire you is not a super power you corner the market on OP. All women have other men desiring them, married or not. That's just the way it is. It doesn't make us special. It's just that guys are programmed that way, to stare, lust after etc. But we are the gatekeepers that keep them at bay. We make the choice not to engage, because most of them would!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): Okay so your husband sees this women at work or out and about and he just loves how she looks at him, he has such attraction to her, he just doesn't know what to do?
How does that make you feel? Upset, hurt? Well keep reminding yourself of that everytime you think along the lines of, "oh I am so attracted to him."
How would your husband feel?
The men that stayed clear done the correct thing!
In life there will always be people of the opposite sex wee find easy on the eyes and that is all it is with this man because as you said you don't even know him or even had a conversation with him.
When wee decide to commit to someone wee honour that or should.
When I have fond myself in situations where the line could be crossed I stay well clear because I respect and love my husband enough to never hurt him.
Plan a date night with your husband, dress up and reconnect with him.
That's where your attention should be not with this ramdom stranger at your work place.
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