A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a senior executive in a company but I have a problem: I feel that I am falling in love with my administrative assistant. I am married with children and she lives with her boyfriend. She is much younger, very beautiful and reports directly to me. We have worked together for about 3 years and for the first 2 years there was no attraction. However, in the last few months I have felt more and more about her. I have never mentioned anything to her nor do I ever plan to. I give her short and precise instructions on what to do because I do not want her or anybody else to suspect what I feel for her.I never would consider cheating on my wife but this girl is making me feel renewed. As her boss, I will never cross that personal line because my responsibilities are too great and the problems too much. What I want is to find a way to cope with these feelings and keep my team working well together, she is an integral part of it. I will never, ever purse this girl but I wish these feelings would just go away. Any similar experiences or advice? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): In reality you know the feelings are merely sexual attraction to a good-looking woman.
I don't think you can get past your wife's cheating in the past.
However; I think it's that. In combination with hormones, that motivates your feelings toward this woman.
Your sudden lack of enthusiasm about your marriage secretly frustrates you. You're tired of it and it feels a little false; because she cheated while you were dating. Then she still went through with the marriage.
What it during a fight this information was revealed? You have some nasty repressed feelings about it.
Admit it to yourself, now you feel the intimacy with your wife has been violated. You can't handle it.
So, you now your sex-life with your wife is nothing out of the ordinary. That information kills you inside a little bit. it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
This young and attractive women brings back those very feelings your wife gave you when you were young and new to each other. Now married-life is just predictable and restraining. You now have a roving eye.
As I said before. It's just a craving for something new.
You want to approach this woman, because you think you'll recapture something lost. Something you miss. The thrill and excitement of cheating on your spouse, will also settle a score.
Your feelings will subside when you realize, IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. Your just fantasizing about destroying your marriage. You look at her, and daydream about the explosive possibilities. The pleasure of knowing how it could hurt your wife.
Try concentrating on what you need to do to refuel or revive your marriage. Consider if you really love your wife; or if you're just going through the motions.
I don't care about the residual jealousy about some past indiscretion by your wife, or the dirty details. You admit
you think it's bothering you.
Is it vengeance you crave?
Now you've found a perfect fantasy-figure to obsess about, and play it all out in your mind? Someone close and available. To make it more toxic and emotionally destructive upon your wife's discovery of an affair?
Tell your wife how you've been feeling about her past cheating. Get this crap out in the open, and out of your head. Determine if your marriage is going anywhere. If you need some help to stay and make it work; or if you really want out.
Chuck the vengeful thoughts. You resent her for the betrayal and feel she's tainted. It's passive-aggressive behavior. You're pissed and disgusted, and internalizing the rage, dude.
Brother, you are more in control of your feelings than you want to admit. Just stop lying to yourself about what it is you're feeling, and why.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments. Some people have said that I should transfer her and get a guy assistance. In principle that is not a problem, since the majority of my direct reports are male. The problem is that I cannot transfer her since she is a manager and has direct reports herself and in addition she has been recognized for the good job she has been doing. Thus transfer is not a reasonable option. Another self impose rule I have initiated is not to talk to her in my office unless another person is present and most of our interactions happen in her cubicle, which is open. What I need is some suggestions to stop thinking about her despite her being close to me.
Some people mentioned that something may be missing in my marriage and they are correct. My wife cheated on me while we were dating and hid it from me for years until I accidentally discovered it. I confronted her and she gave me all the dirty details of their encounters. I forgave her a few year ago but ever since our relationship was damaged. I still love my wife but it hurts too much and maybe this is a way I am reacting to the pain. I do not know but I do not want to get involved with my assistant. All I want to do is to find ways to keep our relationship professional and stop these feelings toward her.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (19 August 2013):
 I work in a very professional corporate enviorment it's not noticeable when to people really like each other. Unless someone lets the cat out the bag so to speak. I would focus more on yourself and not he young tender. She may also be interested in you also does she know you are married. If she is exact on that then there should be nothing to worry about. Also since your very faithful dont get side tracked with a young lady unless your looking for two things the fountain of youth or a mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): You need to get a different assistant, preferably one who is a guy (you're not bi-sexual by any chance are you?)Women can sense when their much older male boss has the hots for them. We women have a "creep radar". She will get uncomfortable.Therefore even though you insist you will diligently police yourself, you likely will not be able to hide your lust or attraction to her all the time and it will probably creep her out eventually. But she may be too afraid to set up boundaries because you are her boss and she may fear jeopardizing her job. Then you may likely misread her lack of boundaries as her returning your feelings. And then your resolve to police yourself will wane and you will start thinking what's the harm in having some innocent flirtation or whatever. It is a slippery slope.The minute you start having feelings for your subordinates that are romantic or sexual in nature, it is time to do the only ethical thing which is to replace them. You have already crossed a line. No matter how much self control you think you have which justifies keeping her and conitnuing to be around her, the very fact of being unwilling to replace her demonstrates a lack of said self control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Focus more on your wife, put more effort into your marriage. Why does some woman you don't know that well make you feel renewed when the woman who knows you the best and has been intimate with you, doesn't? I suspect there's something lacking in your relationship with your wife so to make these inappropriate feelings for your assistant go away you should try to get that renewed feeling from your marriage.You could also transfer her to another department and get a new, male assistant. This would probably be better. Make sure the transfer is a lateral one or even a stepping stone for your current assistant in her so that you have a good reason to transfer her which is that as a boss you are looking out for the well being of your staff and putting them in better jobs rather than keeping them stuck in the same position as your assistant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): You don't mention how long you've been married to your wife. Would I be wrong if I guessed between 5 and 7 years?
I guess you're reaching the period of the "seven-year itch."
It's not unusual for people to form a crush on a co-worker; but I am certain you can contain such feelings considering how much you have to lose.
You're approaching middle-age. Married life seems mundane, and working close to a younger female several hours a day is likely to create sexual tension at some point. You are a man, but you are also a father and a husband.
I think you need to focus with the head above your belt-line, and all will be just fine.
You're getting horny, and you should take some time off and consider a second honeymoon with your wife. You've spent too much time with the younger female; and not enough with the mother of your children. The fact that your sexual attraction is shifting, is a sure sign of that.
You may clean it up with how professional you've been about it. However; the fact that it's weighing so heavily on your mind, is an indication you fantasize about an affair.
Make sure your attraction isn't being shown in subtle ways; like inappropriate compliments, and exaggerated praise. It's a dead giveaway.
Think about your family and picture your wife each time you feel the urges. Keep her picture on the desk facing you as a reminder that your administrative assistant didn't bear your children, and isn't waiting for you at home.
Do feel guilty for allowing your piggish thoughts over-take your concentration. You're not a frat-boy, you're her boss.
What's missing in your marriage? Sex, or are you just tired of the "same old vagina?" Oh, the feelings go away as soon as you get your mind out of the gutter, and back onto your laptop.
I'm being tough on you; because I know how easily it goes from a thought to an action. If there is no exchange of feelings; then it's nothing she's doing to trigger your sexual attraction. It's purely testosterone and lust.
I think some time away from this young woman will give you a chance to clear your head. I also think you have some unresolved issues at home. You aren't facing them, and you're being the typical guy, who misses being single and chasing random tail.
DUDE, GET A GRIP!!! You're a married man and she already has a man to take care of her needs.
What is going through your head is what goes through the head of a guy who wants to cheat on his wife. It's a prelude to divorce. A big fat nasty expensive gut-wrenching divorce. A loss of property, you see your kids when she decides you can, and they'll look at you like you've torn their world apart. You'll have finance two households, and pay child-support for children you rarely get to see.
That means looking your wife in the eyes and seeing disgust and hatred. Watching her painfully struggle to understand what the hell happened to your marriage.
That ought to snap you out of it!
FOCUS ON THE JOB, NOT YOUR PENIS!!!
The wife will instinctively know when your attention is waning. So you had better do some introspection and figure out why your smaller head is starting to out-think the larger one.
Get a transfer if you can't control the direction your johnson is pointing.
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