A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met the man that I am currently involved with at my job. I had been married for 8 years and he had been married for 6 at the time we met. (We are both still married to our spouses) We both have children the same age range.(but he is 10 yrs older than me) It started out a purely platonic relationship. We talked about our lives and found out that we really connected and had alot of the same beliefs and that we were equally unhappy in our marriages, however neither of us ever thought we would cheat. But rumors got around that there was more, but there really wasnt. His wife never met me, but knew of me, however, my husband met him and was ok with the friendship. So after months of being talked about we discussed what our relationship really was (this was like a full year after we initially met). We both knew there was the "chemistry" the "attraction" not to mention this bona fide true friendship we had developed. So we took the plunge and began to become more physical and intimate with each other. Now, we really were doing what all those rumors had said months before! Now I had to sneak around with him because our relationship wasnt just casual friends. It had been taken to the next level. We are both Christians, and I say that only because we've dealt with the sin, guilt and all that goes along with infidelity. Believe me, no one has beaten us up over this worse than we have. We have even broken off our relationship a few times over the last 5 years "to make things right." But as cliche as it sounds, we were made for each other.So over the next 5 years, we have fallen deeply in love and have remained completely faithful to each other....just not to our spouses. We established a long time ago that our children come first and that we are committed to keeping them in loving homes with both their parents ... basically we are not going to leave our spouses until the kids are up older...that could be at least another 10 years. This is not just him, it is 100% both of us.What has gotten me so upset that I felt the need to write on this page is this: he rarely talks about "our" future. I have told him over and over that I will never make him chose me over his family (visa/versa) but I just want validation that we will be together "someday" .... I want to know that I am the person he wants. He tells me he loves me. He even shows me he loves me. But he just gets quiet when I start talking about the "divorces" that I assume are eventually going to happen.Today he told me that he and his wife are buying a new home. I freaked out and said, why? Why? are you pretending that you want to be with her to the extent of buying a house?? then the thought occured to me... maybe he still loves her and wants to keep the family intact and is not planning on leaving her.? YIKES! Could this be true? Am I wasting my time thinking that he is eventually going to leave her? Even though we have a few years before we can do this, buying a house with your spouse is kinda a big committment. I battle over this...help!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 March 2010):
 And there you have it. Everyone agrees you are being a sucker.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): Dear Lady,
First of all you are cheating your poor DH and your Kids as well by having an secret affair with another man.
I am still not sure that how you as women are even be thinking about devastating so many lives by even expecting him to divorce his wife and come to you.
Really you are not worth any advice. Do what ever you want to and face the consequences in your life. That is all i can say to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Why do Women do this, When they have a great Family at home, and already know most men have animal instints most never to turn down sex THATS RIGHT even married men, this way they have their cake & ice cream to. I am actually the wife of a past cheater, and let me tell you we have been together 20 yrs since he had an affair, steadly moving forward in our lives, he also proclaimed to leave me for the other woman(his words) to her but actually never had those true intentions yrs later just out of the blue he came to me and poured out his soul of what an awlful person he had been to me and our marriage in the past and told me everything down to who she was, how they started this affair, how long it lasted everything, and any questions I asked he surprisely answered honestly, now thats the right way honesty, seems he could not live with the lies any longer at first considered the fact that he was saving face for me by not letting this out yrs ago. Well I found this devasating of course never once had I had a clue,no sign's what so ever.I can't explain how this betrayal hurt me I dont think they make words for such a life changing moment especially when you are blind sided to all of it so I suggest you end this affair and now because this man does not truly love you, he is just satisfying his extra marital wants not needs, and I also suggest you go to your Husband and tell him everything and pray he can find it in his heart to forgive you some how and its not easy (I know)so it dosen't blow up in your face like it did my husbands mistress because even though it had been years since the affair,and she was also married at the time and I knew them both I did go and confront her I felt the need to know her side also and to make myself understand how this could have happened and why all the lies involved with a secret affairalso to see if she had the same story and my husband had been fully honest with me because that in itself meant alot on my decision, upon leaving her house her husband pulled up as I was getting in my car and of course we haven't seen each other in yr's so he was courious to my visit and I simply said I think you need to go inside get a cup of coffee sit and let your wife explain everything, so it will come back and bite you because whats done in the dark will come out in the light and you need to be up front and honest about this with your Husband because he deserves to know and make his own decision on what he feels he needs to do in this situation that you and only you have put your marriage in, I can't believe you had the nerve to take your husband around this person you have cheated with, do you have no moral's are feeling's for him at all anymore because if it has went to the level that you can do such a thing and not care then your morals have flown out the window, I am not trying to judge you at all just stating the fact's already written in stone by GOD and please for the sake of true christain's dont proclaim you are one when in fact your not living that life because this makes the true one's look bad to people that already proclaim all church people are hypocrits, because the truth of the matter is if you really were and you stil had those morals that God instills in us for real you would have never crossed that line.I wish you and your family a bright and new future but remember it will not be a easy life for you for a while and if your husband does decide to work this marriage out with you this means he truly loved you and is willing to make the needed sacrifices to keep his family and for that to happen your truly will be a blessed woman, because that's a hard pill to swollow.
Best of luck making the right decision, S.C.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): You claim that both you and your married lover have the same beliefs. Isn’t this scary to know that the morally defunct person you are having sex with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
In the meanwhile you and your married lover steal from your respective spouses. Stealing time, effort, resources but ultimately THEIR LIVES. You expect to f*ck around with this married man for the next 10 years while you steal your husbands resources and life. And you see nothing wrong with this, don’t you. I think you need to look at what you have become very very critically. You claim to be a Christian, then it is time to start acting like one. For the past 5 years you have defiled and destroyed your marital bed and you have justified and accepted your sordid life. You have made excuses for your betrayal and you have justified and look upon yourself now as a victim instead of the transgressor.
How can you even contemplate moving the kids from a stable environment into an environment where adultery is the order of the day. You say that the kids come first. Actually this is the furthest from the truth. If the kids came first, if their happiness and contentment was priority then you would not be sneaking around with another woman’s husband’s semen running down your legs. You would not be planning to destroy their lives by hooking up with your married lover at the expense of their innocent lives.
AS a mother (let alone a wife) you have no concept of right and wrong. YOU pretend that you are a moral, upright Christian person BUT your true character speaks volumes of what you have become. i get so sick when so called "CHRISTIANS" USE CHRISTIANITY, claiming to be christian. why not claim to be a hypocrite instead at least then you would be honest (if only to yourself) . you are freaked out about him buying a house WITH HIS WIFE. and why shouldn't he? after all his wife is the one he is with BY CHOICE.
My thoughts and prayers are for your innocent and equally innocent husband. after all how dare you disrespect your hb and allow your lover to meet him. How can you live with yourself knowing that you have been devoid of all sense of right and wrong. That itch that you scratched is going to destroy your kids. Surely you can see this. Your intentions thus far have not been honourable, have not been :Christian like” for your married lover, are you two peas in a pod? Can you even identify the real you. At least he is trying to make his marriage work and trying to make his wife somewhat happy. It shows you that you are nothing but a piece of meal on the side, to f*ck around when no one is looking. Is this how you want your life to pan out. Only good for the sex and nothing more, someone who he is ashamed to be with, slinking away in the dark so that your illicitness is not discovered.
You have had no respect even in your work place. Surely your reputation at work is worth salvaging. People are gossiping, YES THEY ARE. You think that you have covered all your tracks, but you can be rest assured that you would not be able to fool all the people all of the time. Learn one thing: in a workplace when a persons character is impeached no matter how good you are, you are judged by what you do. So your actions, your beliefs, your reputation also hangs in the balance.
My words are hard, cruel even but it cannot even compare of what you have done to your home life and this man to his family life. If you want to change the kind of woman you have become then you need to start changing your life and it starts today. Take a hard critical look at your life. Take a critical look at your married lovers life. What do you see. If anything i think you will remember this “Christian” saying: you will reap what you sow. Thus far you have only sowed lies, betrayal, deceit, destruction and turmoil, how can you expect anything different to reap.
You may think that I am preaching to you, that I am judging you, but the question is: why are you not judging yourself and what you have become. That wheel is turning slowly and with that your life turns as well..............only you can decide which way to go: either the right road or the same wrong road.
I am sorry to be hard on you but somewhere somehow you know hat you need to start doing the right thing........if only you can identify what that right thing is.
Good luck, and when all else fails, how about opening that special holy book which you seem to have used and forgotten about.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Why would he discard and make fend for herself the mother of his children, ... why would he dissapoint his kids, ... why would he lose his assests in a seperation????
Simply, .. he wouldn't, ..and he has no need to because he has everything he wants already, ... wifey and family at home, ... you on the side. Perfect!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): I can't believe what I am hearing, because you have already answered your question ! you have a family and you are completely fooling your self if you seriously think you are raising them in a christian and loving family when your out in the world and have let a situation as an affair come between you and your Spouse & family. Most men will never leave their family for the other woman because then he hasnt changed the game just the players, and odds are when the few that do leave and marry the other woman most always finds himself in the same situation as with the 1st wife missing out on something again, because the truth is being with you and you being with him is merly a fantasy relationship he's not presenting himself as the whole man just the man that has no responsibilities, no restrictions and has to show no structure with you as he has to in his marriage not to mention the hurt betrayal and trust you both will be dealing with when your spouse's find out and they will eventually, because the Red flag has already flown in your work place. I seriously hope you have really thought this through fully, because you just may end up with out a Husband or a Boyfriend in the end. Gosh what a shame that would be, but your asking for it when you made the decision to see a married man whether your married or not it's a terrible risk on your part. further more if your not happy it always shows believe that or not because your not giving your family 100% of a Wife or a Mother, why dont't you get a divorce and just wait on the other man to come to you in the future your children will be better off than for you to walk away 10 yr's from now and them know the truth of you and your BF having an affair all those yr's, because you are raising future adults and to make them feel this behavior is ok is wrong, and set your faithful Husband free as he fully deserves to find someone that can share all his faithfulness & trust, Best of luck, ~Confussed~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): I think you need to have a talk with him and ask him what his real intentions are. If hes having an affair with you and still living as a husband, hes not an honest man. He must have loved her to marry her and give her children. Yet hes unfaithful to her and disrespecting her dreadfully. So theres an above average chance that he doesnt really feel the need to be anymore honest with you.
Maybe when you met and shared your marital problems he enjoyed that. But over time he may have grown closer to his wife, children starting to grow, more time for each other ect. He could be finding himself in a really difficult position now as he plans for the future with his wife and children, ie buying a family home. But he also has you, talking about divorces.
A future divorce is one thing but doing it, is something else altogether. He stands to hurt his wife very much and lose the good opinion of his children/extended family. Rather than carry on with the affair, you need to have a good talk to him and gauge what his REAL intentions are. Go with your gut instinct because i dont think hes always been totally honest with you. He seems to be progressing with his family and i dont think he will leave them for you. If he does, he will be hurting those he loves. If he stays with them, hes only hurting you. I think thats what he will do.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Don't listen to promises made from a man and even worse from a married man. They will promise you anything in their powers but their powers to make them come true is very limited.
A married man will seldom leave his family . There is no wish for him to leave his wife and children for another woman. His actions have proven to you .
It is better you realized it now than some where down the road.
You know it is wrong and if you continue to make this mistake , you will reap the bad fruits from your investments.
You have gone off track and you should change course to the right directions.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Yes, you are wasting your time..and no, he's not going to leave her or his kids for you. Wake up, smell the coffee, and stop wasting your time, and concentrate on your marriage and family. You have fallen for the oldest line in the book. He's got his family, wife and you on the side..why would he risk screwing up. WAKE UP!
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