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anonymous
writes: I met this man on messenger about four months ago.We started to get feelings for each other very quickly, and agreed to meet up in January (4 months after we first 'met'), we are both married with children, and no longer love our partners, we had a great weekend, we were so close and very intimate. Prior to meeting we both seriously thought about leaving our partners, he admitted until he met me, he hadnt even considered it, and just put up with it.Now that the weekend is over, he said he know he loves me, as before he couldnt be sure as we hadnt met, but he doesnt know when he will be able to next see me again because of the risk of getting caught out, he says he really wants to and wants us to be together someday, but he says however painful it may be, that we should end it if say we cant meet for another 9 months-1 year, because he says he would feel like he was stringing me along.He has told me not to write him off, he said he isnt saying that its impossible, but that hes been married for so long, its all he has known, and cant afford to live on his own. He said he is just trying to be realistic. He has also said that he looks at me in the way he used to look at his wife when they were in love, and although he has tried to put my mind at rest that there is still something there, I still keep finding myself crying uncontrollably, cant eat and I cant sleep. I have even had to take some time off work because I just cant cope. I feel as if I am going to lose him, and I just cant, I love him, I have never felt this deeply about anyone before, and I am hoping someone can give me some advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 January 2005):
 Hi there,My heart goes out to you. But look back on what he's said to you: He doesn't know when you can meet again because of the danger of getting "caught out". He would rather end it than string you along. He never thought seriously about leaving his wife. He's can't imagine not being married to his wife. He can't afford to live on his own.These aren't valid reasons keeping you apart, they're just excuses. If he were truly unhappy with his marriage and determined to make a life with you, these are not the sorts of things that would stand in his way. In other words, if he wanted to leave his wife, he would.Doubtless he wants you, feels for you, just as you want him, because each of you fills a need the other has for missing sparks, thrills, lust and all the other attractions of a new relationship. I don't mean to diminish that one bit. But he's telling you in no uncertain terms that he's not going to leave his wife, that he's too comfortable with his life as it is.At least he was honest enough to tell you as much up front. Some men (and women in a similar circumstance) would say nothing and try to string the thing out as long as possible, just to get what they could out of it. But at least this guy is telling you the truth. Maybe he does feel love for you, but it's not enough to force a separation from his wife. And that's what you have to accept.All you can do in this situation is let yourself grieve for a while, as you would with any broken romance. Resist the impulse to "catch up" with him, by phone or messenger or text, because it'll only prolong the pain. Don't feel like you can "be friends" if you really love him so much that it's affecting your work and other aspects of your life. Trying to do that only keeps the flame burning, and he's as much as told you there's no way you're going to get together.You also need to examine what's wrong with your own relationship with your husband and do your utmost to fix it. This isn't something you even mentioned in your letter. Were you willing to leave your marriage for the other man? Break up your own home and drag your kids away from their father? Or did you just want something thrilling on the side without the complication of separation/divorce? (If that's so then you're really doing just what was done to you, but you'd have been less honest about it.) I feel terrible crushing your dreams, but in this situation it's easy to delude yourself, and you'll feel the pain for less time if you see his actions for what they are, rather than what you wish they were.I hope this helps.
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