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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I hope you would be help me on this one , Well I am coming to very hard decision of my life and that is separation from my wife. I have married for only 6 months with this girl that I know for almost 2 years, (at least I thought I know her) and from where it is going now and even how it was at the time, I think I made a big mistake marrying this women. She is so selfish, so anti-social (to the point that we don’t have any friends around us) , and so proud of herself but the worse thing is she can’t see any of these in her eyes as being wrong.The past 9 months of my life has been hell, we are just fighting and arguing,I am tired of her requests after request, and nag after nag and in return she doesn’t show or prove to me any love and caring. She doesn’t have any respect for my family specially elderly (WHICH MAKES ME MAD), and treat them as they shouldn’t be part of our life.She wants to dictate life to me, and the life that she dictating is not what normal people do, or have. She wants to put the stop of me seeing my friends and family specially my mother which I see twice a week mainly because she is sick and needs attention.My wife lives in different world, I think the source of all these problems lies with her mum and the way she has raised her, because from what I have gathered not only she never blames her for her wrong doing and actions, but also whatever she does and say it is like word of God for her mum (she even scare of her), my feeling is she got the same expectation from her husband (me) and being a fair person I can never put up with injustice and unfair comments /actions from anybody even my own family. She has so many rules which are the creations of her mind. Not a one single day, I come home feeling happy and see smile in her face. To cut the long story short , I am coming to conclusion that I really made mistake but inside me doesn’t want to believe it, I can’t change her for sure but I want to change the way I am living now which has been hell. I feel so embarrassed in front of my friends and family to get divorce, for them to realize I made mistake, for people to look at me differently that my marriage lasted only 6 months, I feel unsuccessful and it would affect my confidence. It has been just long journey for me and I really put lots of effort, time, love, money, in to this relationship to make it work and for it not working is breaking my heart. Mainly because she wants it her own way always, whatever the cost would be. How is divorce being interpreted in today’s society? How does girls look or think about a man who married before ? what options do I have ? what should I do?Please help me with your adviceThanks very much
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male
reader, swiss  +, writes (16 October 2008):
Hey the description sounds exactly like my ex-wife treated me. We were "almost" together 14 months when she left me because she felt she deserves better.
LEAVE HER!! Youßll be surprised how your environment takes it positively (I think you are anyway now since this post is quite old)...
Godd luck from Switzerland
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): Hi from Switzerland!!
It is unbelievable how your story resembles mine...how did things work out in the meanwhile?
I think such narcisstic ladies as our will never change.....if you put a 1 Euro piece into a ticketing machine and theres no reaction do you add more coins in it? Of course not because the machione is broken and only a professional can fix it......staying with her is just giving your energy for nothing she will not change even with professional help it will be very hard, narcissm is a very though mental disorder....keep in mind that breaking up these relationships hurts less as there will be not a lot of things you will miss when sheßs gone (if not already happend)..
To be strightforward to you YES I made a mistake when i got marreid to her, I already confessed it to all my friends, and I am sure your environnement will accept it if you go stright to them and tell them that you were mistaken......US and Europe shere the same religion and I know that some religious people do mind if others get divorced? Is it your problem? No..because these people "complaining" about divorce would do the same in your situation...
Just follow your instinct and your heart and you will know whats the best for you
Wish you all the best,
Riet
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): Hi there,
I really feel for you. It sounds like you have given everything possible and she is just incredibly selfish. I mean how can she get annoyed with you if you want to see your poorly mother, she should be supporting you and getting involved as marriage means family, and your family is also her family, or so she should feel!
I think it seems like perhaps you didn't know her well enough or she acted like someone else originally to get you to marry her. Are you from the uk? Which country is it your wife came from? This may be relevant as sometimes people from other countries expect different things and behave in different ways. However, if you are not happy you should get out of this marriage - it may be difficult because of family pressure - but you have to think about yourself and your happiness rather than live your life miserably. I think you sound like a really nice guy and women don't have great concerns about men who have already been married, well I don't! My friends brother was only married couple of months! Everyone makes mistakes and misjudgements. If you ever want to chat let me know and I will be happy to. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): I think your friends will respect you more when you are able to admit that you made a mistake. That's not easy to do. Everyone makes mistakes, people will understand that.
Why stay in a relationship that is making you (and probably your wife) miserable? All you are wanting to do is make thigns better, and if that means splitting up and trying again with someone else, or whatever your plans might be, then so be it. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting happiness and harmony in marriage. If you made a mistake, don't beat yourself up, you're only human. How were you to know how things would turn out? Maybe you didn't know each other long enough before tying the know. Maybe you can learn from this. I wish you all the best for whatever it is you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce. If you do get a divorce you might get your friends and family back. If your wife is as off as you say they will probably think in getting a divorce that you've made a good decision.
It doesn't sound like you would be a failure. The divorce would be a result of your wife being a failure. If you think you want a divorce sooner is probably better than later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): Narissim, the most hidden disorder of our time.
People who suffer from Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) or who have strong narcisstic tendencies have extremely low self esteem.
(taken from the book The Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel, page 175, paragraph 1)
Narcissitic individual, as explained by Dr. James Masterson, is brash, exhibitionisitc, self-assured, and single minded, often exuiding an aura of success in career and relationships. Narcissists seem to be the people who have everything-talent, wealth, beauty, health, power, and a sense of knowing what they want and how to get it. ~paragraph 2, page 175 from the Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel.
Is your partner suffering from narcissim?
Questionnaire:
1. Does your partner seem to be constantly wrapped up in himself/herself-his/her intrests and projects-and have little intrest in what is going on with you? Even when he/she does take an interest, is it short lived?
2. Does your partner like to be the centre of attention? Does he/she become bored or rude when someone else has the floor? Does he tend to bring the conversation back to himself/herself?
3. Does he/she seem to feel she/he is entitled to special treatment from you and others?
4. Does she/he seem to lack empathy and compassion for other people? Does he/she seem to have particular difficulty feeling other people's pain, even though he/she expects others to feel his/hers?
5. Does your partner feel that his opinions and beliefs are always the right ones and that others (including you) realy don't know what they are talking about?
6. Does he/she think he/she is smarter, hipper, more attractive, or more talented than almost anyone else?
7. Does he/she seem to have an inordinate need to be right, no matter what issue is being discussed? Will he/she go to any lengths to prove he/she is right, including browbeating the other person into submission?
8. Is your partner charismatic, charming, and/or manipulative when she/he wants something, only to be dismissive or cold after a person has served his or her purpose?
9. Have you come to distrust your partner because you have frequently caught him/her in exaggerations and lies? Do you sometimes think he/she is a good con man?
10. Does h/she often appear to be aloof, arrogant, grandoise, or conceited?
11. Can he/she be blisteringly insulting or condescending to people, including you?
12. Is he/she frequently critical, belittling, or sarcastic?
13. Does your partner become enraged if he/she is proven wrong or when someone has the audacity to confront him/her on his/her inappropriate behaviour?
14. Does he/she insist upon being treated a certain way by others, including waiters and waitresses in restraunts, store clerks, and even by his own wife/husband and children?
15. Does she/he frequently complain that others do not give her/him enough respect, recognition, or appreciation?
16. Does he/she constantly challenge authority or have difficulty with authority figures or with anyone who is in a position of control or power? Is he constantly critical of those in power, often insinuating that he/she could do a better job?
17. Does your partner seldom, if ever, acknowledge what you do for him or show appreciation to you?
18. Does he/she instead seem to find fault with almost everything you do?
19. Even when he/she is forced to acknowledge something you've done for him/her or a gift you've given him/her, does he/she somehow always downplay it or imply that it really didn't meet his/her standard?
20. Does your partner focus great deal of attention on attaining wealth, recognition, popularity, or celebrity?
If you answered yes to more than half of the above questions, your partner may be suffering from NPD or may have strong naricissitic personality traits.
Please consult a marriage therapist and address your concerns with them before hand and away from your spouse.
Movie to watch: Wild Iris (an excellent account of a naricissistic mother and how it affects her daughter and grandson)
Books to read: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult children of narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, by Elan Golomb, ph.d.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Ups Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina W. Brown.
The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age, by James F. masterson, M.D.
(as suggested in Beverly Engel's book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship)
My Dad told me: A failed marriage doesn't mean a failed life.
I was divorced and currently going through an ugly divorce and my BF has seen past my past and has seen me for me and loves me the way I need.
Counselling for your marriage and to address the wife's behaviours and some individual counselling. With that will come the answer to what options you have and what you should do.
Best of Wishes.
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