A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married close to 4 years and have always wanted to explore intimately with my husband and he is aware of this desire but seems uninterested with anything beyond "vanilla" sex. Lately I feel incomplete longing for more from him, the desires invade my dreams and I don't know how to tell him any different then asking for bdsm which every time I say that he shuts me out and gets uncomfortable. How did you approach this subject with your significant other? Is there anything I can try to ease him into it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): Been there now over it... I would like to do medium bdsm but nothing like whips and canes lol. We do use a bullet vibe and that's about it besides condoms. I will see if he's open to going shopping.
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (22 May 2016):
Don't give up without trying. Sex is too important to just compromise without trying. Two important things here: Open up your communications and take baby steps.You don't say where you want this to end up (BDSM? Threesome? Porn?) but start from your current vanilla sex and add sparingly to the mix. You might start by dress-up/costume, a blindfold or something that won't startle him. Are you using toys? Maybe a small vibrator. Can you take him to visit an adult store? There you could explore a lot of different options and he may very surprise you by liking something that you weren't aware of. It'll also help you find his boundaries or what is at least acceptable to him. Hold up something that interests you and see how he reacts it. Let him pick out a non-vanilla DVD and maybe get another that interests you. It might help if you tell him you are taking him there to buy him a gift for something nice he's done for you.Most guys will get turned on by seeing their partner get turned on. So he may be very well open to whatever you have in mind. But start with baby steps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I am afraid that sexual incompatibility in the long run can ruin a marriage.You have only been married for four years.Will you be able to handle "vanilla sex" for the rest of your life?And will it not be YOU who grows resentful of your husband in time? For not satisfying you the way you need to be satisfied in the bedroom?Are you eventually going to start looking elsewhere?You need to ask yourself some hard questions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): You married him with a specifics sex life already. What you described as vanilla sex is the kind of sex that obviously makes him happy. It could be that the kinds of activities you want to introduce to the bedroom are actual turnoffs for him. As in he would not become aroused, he would find it a turn off, he would feel resentful and maybe frankly freaked out by some of the things you were asking him to do. Only way that you're going to be able to figure things out is to talk about personal boundaries and comfort zones. Some things may be entirely beyond his comfort level and you will need to respect that. Just as he should respect your personal boundaries. So no there's no way to ease him into something he is completely uncomfortable with doing. Stick to fantasizing and enjoy your dreams.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): No-one is ever obliged to do anything sexually for another person whether it's having sex when they don't want to, anal, threesomes or BDSM.
You've tried talking about it a few times and it goes nowhere because he isn't interested. It does nothing for him. I suggest you leave him alone and keep your fantasy's in your head as many of us do.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (21 May 2016):
But OP maybe he doesn't want to - maybe he is happy with the way things are? Some people are perfectly happy with a more tame sex live and it's not ok to try to force or even badger them into doing something they don't want to do. You say you've tried talking to him and it doesn't go the way you want it to. That doesn't mean you keep thinking if new ways to convince him, it means you respect his boundaries and stop pushing the matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I do respect him, I just am wanting to branch out with him. We were intimate maybe 10 times before saying I do.
I'm struggling with if I should have a conversation with him about trying something new or if I should just go for it one night. I've tired to talk about ita few times with hhim and it never seems to go anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Were you two sexual before the marriage? If so, why do you think marriage changes what HE likes sexually and what HE is comfortable with?
If you WANT to try new things then introduce them SLOWLY, one little kink at a time, like blindfolds one night, restraints another, don't expect him to be totally on-board with YOUR version of BDSM overnight.
Go slow, and RESPECT his boundaries.
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