A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 19yrs and have three children (my youngest being 15yrs old)The marriage has been not the happiest at points. He had an affair in 2005 and we separated, if you can call it that, for a couple of months as he slept at hers during this time.He used to be violent with me at the start of the relationship and although this stopped I am still quite scared and he is quite controlling over what I and the children do and where we go.The past two years the relationship has taken a deep nose dive, he no longer wants sex at all and despite my attempts in the past he pushes me away and now I have given up trying. We don't talk but he doesn't want me to go out anywhere so we sit watching tv or playing games on phone or talking to the kids. I have just started a brilliant job and it is quite stressful but worth it. I was bringing work home which he complained about saying the kids had complained but the kids hadn't said anything so I know it was just him. Yesterday I wanted to treat the family on a day out, we went and when we got there he decided he didn't want to anymore so we ended up driving back home. The kids were disappointed so was I.He is self employed and contributes nothing to the household income. I have no one to turn to but I don't know what to do. I know I need him to leave but I'm so scared and low esteem that I don't know how to do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to All that have replied with some good advice which I am trying to absorb and sort things through in my head. As for the house, the house we live in is in my name only as when we moved he could not be put on the mortgage as he was self employed and as he had just set up he could not provide the right amount of account details. So I would not be looking to move, plus for the past 7 years we have moved three times which has had detrimental effect on my children so I would be staying put. Which means I have to tell him to move out. Support network, I have my parents who would support me although they are not well and I would probably prefer them not to know too much of what's going on to save their stress levels. I have limited friends who I could contact as most he has driven away but I could still contact some as I am still in limited contact with them.I am going to try and get in touch with a counsellor to try and support me to learn to support myself emotionally. I know I would manage but my problem is how to start the conversation as I've tried and he puts it back onto being all my fault or just ignores what I'm saying and changes the subject.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I am sensing that what's making you hesitate leaving is what you feel is a lack of support from others when/if you do leave.
What helped me in this situation - although I wish I'd known it in advance, so that I could have planned it better - was BUILDING a support network. Because i was in such a mess after I split from my ex, it took me far too long to even realise I needed one, and far too long to build one. But you seem to have all the other things in your favour - a good job, a good relationship with your kids, your husband will presumably have to pay maintenance and you may either stay in the house or get another one of your own - so there's not much to stop you from building your network.
The first thing to say is that your network has to begin with YOU. You must be available to yourself as a kind friend would be. Learn to treat yourself like you would treat a friend - when you catch yourself criticising yourself, replace this with the kind words you'd offer a friend. Treat yourself and take some time to discover new things that you like doing. Build in some time just for you.
Secondly, try to separate practical support needs from emotional support needs. It may be that some people will offer both, but just for clarity at this stage it will help to list up what practical support you need. If you have no friends and no family DO NOT PANIC. You can build friends into your life. If you have no other family members then this will make things harder, but it is still very possible to have a positive and happy life. So, in terms of practical support needs do you need a cleaner, a childminder, someone to regularly drive kids to and from school or after school events? When you are a working Mum it can be hard to connect up to other Mum's and to offer practical help in exchange for theirs. But it's not impossible, it just takes courage and a bit of detective work. You can, for example, offer to have someone's kid(s) over to yours at the weekend if they could help with taking your own kid(s) to, say, drama class after school - you just have to find out who goes to what, where and explain your predicament and offer an exchange of time and support. It might even be something your kid(s) school would be interested in - that is, setting up an online 'timebank' where parents can help one another. The other things - a cleaner, a childminder, someone to wash and iron - these will be things you may have to finance, so you'll need to do a budget. As a single parent, time will be short so, if you don't already, set up an online account to get your monthly or weekly food shop delivered. In terms of practical help with your kids after school, find a babysitter so that you can go out at least once a week and list up possible activities and events to take your kids to at weekends. There are also some great companies that do family holidays for single parents - family adventure holidays that can be found online.
In terms of your emotional support, first stop would be to get the help of a counsellor to help you in the transition to becoming a single parent household. Either request this from your doctor or pay for one privately - your doctor can give you a list of recommended ones. If you have no friends and need to build friendships, again, don't panic. The first step will be learning why you've ended up isolated and put all your emotional eggs in one basket - ie. with your husband. It sounds like you have low self esteem and have become co-dependent on him, quite unable to really assert your own preferences and to have confidence in doing so. A counsellor can help with this and can also probably refer you to therapy groups for people in a similar situation.
From there, it's a matter of understanding emotional support as a matter of exchange and as something that works at entirely different levels with different people. Your work colleagues will indirectly 'support' you simply by providing stimulus and a sense of familiarity every day, even if you don't like them and never discuss your personal life with them. Some colleagues may like to go for a drink with you after work, if you plan one evening a week into your life just to do this or some other activity. And then you can get to know them a little more and vice versa. It's highly unlikely you will be able to go from zero or few friends to having a full on bonded, call me anytime of day or night friendship. This takes months and years to develop. But once you start developing relationships of any kind, you can think of it as small investments that, in combination, release you from dependency on your husband.
If you don't have many work colleagues and/or don't think there's much chance of developing a friendship with them then the other parents at your kids school(s) are your next best call. Try to find out if any Mum's or Dad's are single parents - again, having a school timebank may help here. Most couples can be quite 'selfish' when it comes to weekend time, and may not want to share part of their weekend with anyone. But most of the Mum's will be in need of other company, so again, an evening out with a group of Mum's will probably kick start something longer term - but you may have to be brave and initiate it. You can do this through your kids (eg. a kids party) OR just ask some of them if they'd like a Mum's night out. You may have to keep initiating a few times until people trust you.
Another idea is to have one evening a week to go to a community group such as a choir, or drama class. These can be great ways of meeting people. At first it can feel very weird and it definitely will not transform your world over night. Again, think of it as a contribution to a bigger scheme of things - it won't cover all your needs in one go, but it will chip away at the loneliness and keep you connected to the world.
I hope this helps. I'd urge you to leave this big baby that calls himself a man. He sounds like a spoiled kid for whom nothing is good enough. And you sound very emotionally neglected, including by yourself. But it is possible to come out of a situation like this and move on and have a happy life. Do it first for your kids if you can't do it for you - it's not right that they are living with this awful example of a 'father' who hasn't ever grown up and is a control freak because he's immature.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 I agree with Janniepeg. CONTACT a lawyer. GET to know your right. A GOOD divorce lawyer can help you step by step. I would suggest that you TALK to your kids (and HAVE someone WATCH them) when you tell your husband (I ALSO suggest you have a friend/family member there for safety and support.)
Discuss with your LAWYER what to do IF he refuses to leave. It's NOT just a matter of "telling him" to leave, the house is HIS physical residence AS well as yours. So you MIGHT have to consider finding a place of your own for you and the kids. Even though MANY wives/mothers DO get the primary residence, sometimes it's NOT the best solution.
After the husband have been served with papers, MAKE sure your family and friends know. YOU might need their support and help.
Also, inform your youngest school/teacher - they might be able to help with a counselor.
My guess is, you kids will be VERY OK with this. They KNOW how miserable marriage is for you (and actually for them). So they might be able to handle it a LOT better than you think. BUT do yourself a favor and NOT unload on them, find a counselor/therapist for YOU.
And good luck. DO this for you. And for your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Given that you're from the UK,the legal process may not be what JanniePeg has described,but if you've already decided to leave- leave.
We can outline a 100s reasons why you should (affairs (you know of one,who knows how many there have been?), violent behaviour, etc. etc.)
But ultimately,you need to find the strength within yourself to leave.
I'll just give you something to look forward to-if you do separate, you can take your family on days out WITHOUT drama and you can actually enjoy time with your children. Oh,and you can actually start spending the money you earn as you see fit,i.e. he won't be your responsibility any more and you can treat yourself and your family.
Given past violent behaviour,I'd do the legal work quietly,if I were you, and I'd make sure that a lawyer/police officer/ a close family member is present when you serve him his papers (make sure he immediately vacates your home,if not have a B&B lined for you and your youngest. Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation).
Also,if he threatens you/hurts you-file a report, make sure you press charges. Then if abusive behaviour continues,you have some ground to stand on and can request one of those orders that won't permit him to be near you (sorry can't remember what they were called).
I hope you won't need one! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 He's not cut out as a family man. He feels stuck with all of you but can't find any other alternative or he doesn't want to deal with the legal side of it should you two divorce.
You should start talking to your lawyer about assets and get custody of your minor children. A lawyer would sound compassionate. He/she deals with this all day and would make you that you are not alone and you can get through this.
Being accustomed to 19 years of mistreatment and neglect, you are afraid of the unknown future and its opportunities. You are making it more complicated than it has to be. Realistically it is just step by step, 30 pages of paper that go back and forth between you, the lawyer and the court. And one years' time. I believe you get to keep your residence so finding a new place to live is his responsibility. I wish you all the best. The worst is over and a new chapter in your life has just begun.
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