A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay so here it is: I knew something was up with my husband for a while just not exactly what. But I went on vacation and came home to find deleted pictures on the computer labeled cock 1, 2 ,3. He said he was going to text them to me, but why on the computer? He never sent them to me nor would I have wanted that. So, I investigated his computer to find that for several years now he has been logging in to porn sites and doing internet questions etc... with the username. Now on those sites he has been looking for women and men. On one site he said he sucked penis 2 times in the last year, and looking for anyone to give head too. That, and he said horrible things about me...that I was boring and he needs someone to have fun with descreetly and that he no longer lives with our two children whom are at home. We have been married for 13 years and this has been going on for at least 4 years. I confronted him and he said he does not know why he put such horrible things on there nor why he even talked to these people and exchanged sex pics. (yes, even with men) He said he is addicted but would never really meet up with these people. He put all of his fantasies on there, such as sex with two chicks in his office etc. How do I know? First of all, that he is not lying in the first place, that he has had sex with these people, that he would never and so forth. He says I am the love of his life, and that he could never make it without me...and I believe he does love me, but how can you even deal with this? How are you to feel? I am just numb. It was all so descreet, and he said he was attached on there but he wants descreet fun, and would like to even one day get his wife to have sex with us and another man. I am so confused. I love him and he was my everything. I do not know how to handle this at all. Please help?
View related questions:
porn, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): I just wanted to say thank-you to everyone for all the information and support. It has all really helped and has given me some avenues to consider and some research to perform. I appreciate it all. THANKS!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): I'm so sorry my dear! It does indeed sound like your husband has a sexual addiction. Unfortunately not very many people understand this, even sex therapists are ill equipped to deal with sexual addiction, and despite the terrifying information you have received from some of the aunts here, your husband may truly have not taken this outside of the house. His addiction could be 100% fantasy. I realize this doesn't make everything ok, but it is a little better than to have to worry about STD's. Don't get too paranoid quite yet. Have you asked him if he has physically cheated?Visit these two web-sites ; npsupport.net and recoverynation.com they will help you sort some of these things out and you may be able to salvage your marriage. This however, is totally dependant on your husband. He sounds repentant and that is hugely important, he also confessed which is an important first step in conquering any addiction (that he acknowledges the problem).This is no reflection on you, you didn't cause it, you can't fix it. He is soley responsible for this, both for causing it and fixing it. You could be a beauty queen and your husband would still have done this. It is essentially no different than alcoholism, drug addiction only in that it is a process addiction rather than substance abuse.Good luck to you and a speedy recovery for your husband. He could turn this around rather quickly if he so chooses, but the two of you will still need counseling to get over the betrayel and lies and secrecy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): does he stay up late after after you have gone to bed, does he hide bank statements credit card bills etc, doe he go out without you do you have an active sex life or has it dwindled over recent years, you were probably feeling comfortable in the relationship and thinking it was coasting along nicely while all the time he is cheating from the comfort of his armchair, i bet too he has moved the pc from a communal room to a spare bedroom does he have a web cam (these are used online a lot for mutual masterbation with other pc users) the internet is a fantastic tool for information at your fingertips but it is also breeding a seedy underworld full of lies and deception, come on you caught him out how far would this have gone if you hadnt, can you ever trust him again?? if he is willing to seek help he may agree to give up the pc but porn is also on the tv and every mobile phone as are chat lines and text chat, it would be very hard to rebuild trust knowing this is available every minute of every day what do you do check his phone bills for the rest of time or his browsing history, i wish you lots of luck and hope u make the right decision for your family xx
...............................
A
female
reader, suzy1221  +, writes (7 August 2008):
Think about the facts. He has been doing these for 4 years. He didn't tell you. You caught him. He is clearly looking for
different sex alternatives. These question are for you to answer to yourself only. How is your sex life with him, if any. Why is he looking for sex alternatives? etc.You have been with your man for all these years.I'm sorry to say this, but If you are discovering things about him now...He is either a very good actor and has lied to you all these years or he's bored or unsatisfied with his sex life for 4 years. Either way. He's cheating on you. Remember, He didn't come clean. YOU CAUGHT HIM. He will continue doing it.It's too late for counseling. I hope you know you deserve better.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, takeoutthetrash +, writes (7 August 2008):
i am so sorry you are going through this. Confused? Honey don't be. He is just saying that stuff because he knows that you will believe him. He is basically cheating on you. Don't let him get away with that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Confused? Don't be confused, dear...that is just weakening you. Your husband is floundering here and he wants to 'step out' on you. Don't be so quick to let his poor behaviors be explained away by 'all the I loves you's, I care for you, but I want to watch another man f*ck you". Excuse me? This is just so wrong-he is basically cheating right under your nose. It has astounded me how the onset of internet has turned seemingly normal people into empty lecherous, foolish people. Men and women both. The crazy thing is these people just happen to stumble into it and then they get compulsive about it. The big hook is the anonymity of on line interactions only serves to increase the likelihood of this type of addictive behavior. Not to mention the convenience of doing this from the office or home.. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the words 'sex addiction'. This man has all the red flags of a internet sexual addiction because it's likely a lot of his 'down' time at work or home is just sitting at a computer 'playing sexually and making plans' with other males/females, with no conscience or guilt for what it's doing to you or this marriage, this family---Hun, I'd say you have a big problem. With his online activities, three very startling, disturbing things will occur, if they haven't already. Firstly, How will this affect you as a wife? Now that you know about this and depending on your integrity and marriage values, you could now begin the descent into a hellish nightmare. This could wear you down. You could start feeling neglected, saddened and overlooked. No body should do that to you, nor do you allow it. Secondly, he's sharing intimate details about his marriage with outside strangers, he should only be sharing 'only' with you and thirdly, you will eventually watch his focus increasingly, switch from your once loving marriage relationship to one with some online people. I can imagine how the trust is shattered here, finding this out. The biggest argument, some men/women use who are involved in online cheating, is that these cyber partners are not real nor important to them. But I disagree. It can spill over into your real life-all he has to do is agree to meet one of these people in his hometown area. And believe me, it does happen, if it hasn't already. You need to protect yourself, get to a doctor and have a full checkup for Std's asap. If he hasn't met these people, it could be a matter of time-and they could decide to take it a step further and meet. Whether your husband is messing around, online or is out messing around in real life, the situations are very similar. Remember this is your husband 's behavior and his clear-cut choice to do this. Don't accept this. Don't allow yourself to be burdened with misplaced guilt and low self-esteem. Constant nagging and recriminations will just serve the purpose of making his online partners appear more attractive. Never, ever allow your partner minimize your feelings of anger and hurt by insisting that you may be over-reacting. This is his marriage and he's responsible for keeping it as happy and strong as you are. Make him responsible and accountable for what he's doing to the core of trust and respect in this relationship. If he hasn't shown these signs yet, watch out for them: Signs of a sex addiction of this sort: Routinely spending a lot of his spare time in chat rooms and private messaging with the sole purpose of finding sex. Appearing to be anticipating his next chat session in order to find sexual self gratification. There will be considerably less involvement with you, his real-life sexual partner. Instead of engaging in sex/making love with you, on a regular basis he will prefer others as his primary form of sexual gratification. He definitely will need counseling and he will need to go 'cold turkey' and stay away from the internet and computers. Either get him some serious help for his sexual problem or drop him before he drags you and this marriage through a nightmare. This will the only way...or his addiction will take you both down. Set those tough boundaries and get him some help. Save yourself and your family. Take care, dear and be strong.
...............................
|
