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anonymous
writes: OK, here's the problem. I have been married 28 years. For the last 17
years, the marriage has been going downhill. The last four or five years
have been real bad. My wife is an intelligent woman but she is so uptight
about trying new things. Trying new things might lead her to something she
wouldn't do well - she cannot ever admit to have made a mistake. She has
always been that way, I guess. Our conversations end with, "how'd you
sleep?" or "how was work?" We don't seem to connect on anything. Over the
years she has done nothing to remain attractive. This sounds shallow, but
she insists it is OK with her to be "plain." She complains that I don't
seem to be attracted to her physically anymore - I'm not - but she nothing
to be attractive. Our sex life was never good. Her quote at counseling
went something like this, "If it didn't seem important to me, it was
important to the marriage." That dealt with most topics, but at the time,
it was in a discussion concerning our sex life. I had admitted to having an
affair after a year in which my wife and I made love (or had sex) three
times in a 12 month period. She didn't think that was so uncommon. I
wanted "it 2 to 3 times a week. Now, when she seems to understand that sex
is something I want, she offers it as her duty. I no longer want sex,
intimacy, or anything from her. Somebody that I once admired for her
intelligence, her athleticism, and her simple goodness has turned into
someone I can't talk to on any topic. She has turned into someone who seems
to have no mind of her own. She has turned into someone who is almost a
stranger. In too many ways, a person I once loved now repulses me. We have
two grown kids - a son who is 26 and a daughter who is 17.
Is this marriage worth saving or should I just cut my losses and get out?
C
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): All marriages go through stages. You can't really expect her to have the same libido as you. Marriage is about giving and taking. The reality is I'm probably in the mood once very 2 weeks, and him 2 times per week. So we have a happy medium, once a week or 10 days. This probably sounds unromantic, but we're are both individuals and compromised (maturity). It might pick up when the kids leave in a few years.
I'm a little shocked about 3/yr. and I can see why you feel the way you do. It sounds like she is in her own little (safe?) world. If I were you, I would've said, we're married, not brother-sister. You really shouldn't have let it go that long, 1 month should've been a red flag, and now there's resentment.
It's really good you went to therapy, but I sense some kind of depression in her if she doesn't 'have a mind of her own'. Something she's in denial about that she needs to face. I hope the therapist can get to the root of it. Can you hold on a little bit longer?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I can't believe there is someone else out there with the same problem!Here is the differance. She could not get enough of me until that ring went on her finger 19 years ago.The day she moved in with me I supported her. I worked full time at 18 came home cooked and cleaned and did everything. I still love her and will always love her.How the hell do I get out of this. She even admitted to me the reason she was the way she was because she wanted to keep me. 2 weeks before we married I found out she was having an affair with a man 4 years older then her dad.We have not had sex in almost a year for a couple of reasons. After sex she gets mad when I even try to hug her. he wants to sleep. Sex is always on her terms and I feel bad about myself after. As much as it is against everything I believe in I started a relationship with a fantastic woman almost 3 years ago. I fell in love with her and admitted it to her 3 months ago.We don't always see each other for sex. We talk for hours at a time about our goals in life. To whoever sent this in thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): It sounds like you both had the best intentions in the beginning and the reasons you admired her for are good ones. It's really good you both went to councelling, however, i'm wondering how much you both got out of it.
Does she want to continue the marriage? Are you both taking responsability in changing issues that are troublesome? The two of you obviously care or else you wouldn't have bothered
with help.
Kind of seems like you both have different expectations and needs/wants. What about a seperation, to find yourselves again and gain some clarity and independance. However, 28years and 17 of those not being so good, Divorce may very well be practical, at least the kids are pretty much grown.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): I don't know about divorce, but a real seperation is in order. One long enough for her to try to find herself again and maybe the part of her you loved from the beginning. Women tend to loose themself in marriage. She needs to feel complete without you. I'm sure then you two will again see what it was that made you fall in love to begin with. But, she needs to feel whole with herself.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 Holy cow, man! If you are so repulsed why haven't you gotten your divorce yet? Hell no this marriage isn't worth saving, it sounds like it breathed it's last long ago. Time to split the blanket and give each other a chance at some happiness. Time's a wasting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): This is probably one of the most hurtful, horrible tirades I've ever heard anyone give about their supposed "love". You blame your wife for all the problems in your marriage! SHE'S ugly, SHE refuses to have sex with you, SHE is repulsive. What about you? Are you perfectly fit? Are you romantic and sweet and talkative and funny and perfect? If you're going to be so sickeningly cruel about your wife, then get a fucking divorce. I'm unsurprised she appears to be disgusted by the thought of having sex with you. You say she has no mind of her own, but you come across as a chauvinistic, thoughtless, close-minded asshole. You're an absolute jackass, plain and simple, and I can't have anything but contempt for you and your sham of a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2005): dear troubled with wifey, it seems to me that you need to sit down and speak open mindedly to your wife. tell her that she has let herself go over the years and that it is repulsing to you. but do not be rude about it. tell her the truth about the way you feel and then ask her how she feels. if you both agree that there is no saving the marriage then both of you need to sit down and tell your kids. and go on with your lives separately. otherwise take her out somewhere where she has to dress up and look good. see how this makes you feel towards her attractiveness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2005):
I would say try to remind her the good times before long ago to spark the
old flare again. Time can numb anything out so it is up peoples to resurface
them to the light. Improvise and see to work things out with her. Go back to
places you guys first met. Perhaps she gave you the cold sholder was because
she knew you had another affair after marriage? Marriage is a sacred thing
between the two and both have made an oath to love one another till death
till you part. If conversation wasn't as indebt in the past talk about other
things. You have to be the person that is attempting something to her rather
than a person who drops a topic that seems to not be getting into. Build up
the mood and character and be more romantic perhaps. Ultimately you will
have to improvise and explore ways in which you can spark the old love back,
that is how relationships work and last long. If you let the flame die out
there is no help there then since its done knowing what is to come.
I hope my advice proved to be of any use and may you find the guiding light
to the answer you seek~
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