A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:It has been one month since I last wrote to this site. I can't say that a lot has happened until about two weeks ago...I sought out counselling finally! He is very supportive and listens to me. Right now I'm at a major intersection and about to make a serious decision (before it is made for me?)...I tried to follow advice on trying to get my wife to see past all the small arguments. But it hasn't made much use at all. She wanted me to earn more money and spend all of my spare time to learn about investments.Three weeks ago, she started acting more and more cold to me. Bad fights and telling me I'm boring and how much she hated me (followed by making up with me by the next morning).Well, something had snapped inside of her. She couldn't stand to see me relax on my two days off and hated that I wanted to spend time with her instead of learning how to invest and get us out of the mess we are in financially (well, it's no debt involved, it's just my little savings and us living in a sharehouse).She kept up telling me she hated me. Two days ago on her birthday, I bought her a cake and flowers and promised her to go shopping for some jewelry and do something nice together. She went to her meeting with the real estate company. I was a bit annoyed that she decided to go to her friend's place for lunch and stay there for a few hours (this came on top of the week prior where she went to her other friend's home for dinner and told me that I can eat the leftovers in the fridge).Over the past two weeks, she was acting very strange and erratic. I knew something was up. Twice she sent 20 or so text messages filled with nasty comments to my phone ending with 'we need to talk and I think you need to know the truth'... After she had calmed down and felt alright again.Mind you, I haven't done that much wrong except work my new job and come home to rest (I was diagnosed with plantar fascitiis and had painful feet for a couple of weeks). This apparently wasn't what she wanted?I tried a number of things with her but she continued to express her dissatisfaction with the marriage and with me.Fast forward to her birthday, she was trying to call me because it was a very hot day and she wanted to meet me at the mall near her friend's home (we live near there too). I was busy talking to mum. I was also upset that she chose to go to her friend's home for three hours and thought we weren't going to spend her birthday together at all. She made some excuse that her friend didn't know if I was home or not so that's why I wasn't invited this time. So, I hung up the phone from mum just as I heard footsteps... She came inside and immediately started being unreasonably agressive with me asking why I didn't answer the phone.She repeatedly called me a liar and locked me out while I was collecting the washing. After some time she let me in. Then she kept up the argument with me demanding to know the truth of what I was doing. So I called mum and tried to get her to listen to mum explaining that we had been talking before my wife came home. But she sat on the lounge with fingers in her ears. I tried to pull the fingers out of her ears, and she hit me and ran into the kitchen in anger. I hung up from mum who was getting angry and demanding to speak to my wife.I tried to stop my wife but was unable to...she smashed plates, bowls and glasses all over the place. She wouldn't stop. I didn't call the police but I rescued some work clothes and got ready to escape the apartment.I ended up staying and sat on the lounge in tears. Later I went into the bedroom and sat on the floor in tears and looked at her on the bed and repeatedly asked why she was doing this to me... that made her angry again and she tried to destroy more things. She was so angry about me apparently lying about not recognising it was her calling and ignoring her.The straw that broke the camel's back :(She got dressed, I cleaned the mess and we went out to go shopping (meanwhile I was being called by dad and told to never go near their house again and my boss called to say there had been a major theft of items from the store during my shift)... my head was spinning.By the time we went to dinner, I was exhausted. She told me that she was having a bbq lunch with her friends the next day and I wasn't invited because I give her too much pressure.We had a heart to heart talk that evening and she told me she was confused because she wanted to save the marriage but she didn't like my personality anymore and didn't want to be with me. I was so let down by that. She also explained that I'm a good man so she didn't want to feel like she was letting go of a diamond in her hand...The next morning, she was hugging me and acting loving and said she was in the mood... well, the mood was ruined when everything took too long and she had no feeling to me at all. It took porn to get her going and that didn't work well for her either. It's a disaster.Later, she got up in anger and saw me writing on Yahoo Answers (a reply to a question about a domestic dispute between a couple) and she picked up half of the small cake I had been snacking on and threw it all over me and the lounge with force and walked off...Last night we had another talk and she said that she has been telling all her friends here in Australia that she is fed up and doesn't think we can fit well and that she will divorce me soon... what can I say to that?But the thing that hurt me the most? Being told that she had a crush on her factory boss despite the fact that he is married. She said she didn't want to go out with me anymore either. All of this crap has happened in the space of just 2-3 weeks. She said that since our major incident just after xmas day, she has been spending more and more time with me laughing about her memories of her past bf's...All of these horrible things directed at me!Yet bare in mind a few things I have done in this past month:- For our anniversary I arranged nice candles in the shape of "I love u" and had a nice bunch of flowers and wine for her. Along with the top layer of our cake that we had saved for a year.- I worked hard since then because I started my new full time job.- I tried to keep going and plan days off to spend with her.I actually didn't do a lot wrong towards her at all. I still copped a bit of attitude from her though...Then all this happens and she opens up and tells me that in the past week she has gotten fed up with asking me to change over four years and has given up on me. The things she wanted me to change are probably impossible to achieve:- Cleaning more (I do enough already IMO)- No time spent on sites like this (I can manage that).- Don't act depressed and sad all the time and try to be interesting (crazy because her behaviour to me and our fights were enough to leave anyone stressed and upset)- Learn investment things and wealth creation. She wants me to take a keen interest in this with her to get a home sooner and set up our life because time is running out for us both.But calling me a loser isn't helping me to get ahead.Yes I shouldn't call my mother during our fights. I did it in the past as a reflex action because of the emotional intensity of the fights. Kind of like reaching out during a bad situation!I'm guilty of that.I guess I don't know what to do apart from leaving?I wanted to keep going in our marriage... I wanted it to work. But so much damage has been done by her! I point the finger at her because actually, if you look back, there has been a lot of inaction on my part that would warrant such fights! I've done my work and come home to rest. Then she calls me a lazy bas**d. Figure that one out?So, we both have been unhappy for a long time. It seems she is the first to break and just see me in a completely negative light.I don't get it because actually things have been boring for us as she suggested. The time apart from each other with our working schedules didn't give us much (if any) time to spend together.Yes we should learn our things.I will ask this final question that I think only the gods could answer....Why is it so hard for her to accept me for who I am and work together to a bright future? Just spend some down time together without fighting and doing something fun. Instead it has been all anger even on our days out.She has listened to the opinions of others that said they can't stand my personality (though I think maybe she was just saying that on purpose as she didn't even recall that in the heat of her anger she made a stupid threat about me not being satisfied until I see her on the bed with another man)...I'm still here trying to work with her. I must be a sucker for punishment.One more quick thing: after I told her I wil change to her liking, she calmed down and felt better. Then she mentioned how next year she will use her parents' money and all her savings from China to buy her parents a home either here in Australia, or over there in China. Then we will work hard to save together to buy a home even if it takes 5 years...But I have to admit that it sounds exactly like she is just telling me what I want to hear. Because I feel almost certain that her sudden decision to tell me she wants to leave me in 8 months time is no coincidence to her permanent visa grant. She talked about that directly seeing as she is not happy with me.In fact she told me through tears that she wanted the marriage to work but couldn't see it working with the way I am now.I still don't get it, do I? I still don't understand why we can't just work together and get through rough times instead of her acting so bloody immaturely and wanting out when the going is tough and telling everyone our problems and how she is leaving (is that fate? I did something similar in China to her when I was just about to pack up and go home). Funny thing is that she is much more nasty about it. I wouldn't have the conscience to hang around just to gain a visa or whatever.She has seen a lot of blokes out there. My mate living in China warned me of this because he has been through a ton of Chinese women. I'm not saying they are all bad. But he told me that while I was living in China, Westerners were a scarcity so that's why she liked me. But once she gets to Australia, I was warned to look out because then she would meet the successful young men with decent careers and leave me for dust. Nevermind the history together, nevermind love, nevermind the fact that I helped to bring her here and supported her. All of that apparently means nothing.Hey she even went as far as to tell some of her friends in China that she was planning divorce and she told me that they joked about coming to her second wedding.She has ruined my reputation in front of her friends. I don't know what she has said about me, but she now claims to only just want a future with me. Only just.I can't decide if there is anything left for me. Or if I should just take a leap and leave everything behind and start over?Because it seems she has already made our minds up for us both by telling everyone she is leaving me.Yet the most troubling thing for me? I keep hanging on to a sinking ship. Hoping I can turn things around.Perhaps I should have taken heed of the warnings before this. Like when she got bored of her ex and ended up with me.You know what was spoken in anger just yesterday morning? How I'm useless because I can't earn the money, I can't make her orgasm and (I forget the third thing). But anyway, she said what's the point of being with me if I can't do those abovementioned things. Nevermind trying to work with me to get back lost feelings. Nevermind trying to think of new things in the bedroom. Nevermind trying out different toys etc.I told her again last night that if she wants sex with me, then she needs to work with me to stay in this marriage. That she needs to accept me for who I am again (she was doing that until about 2 or 3 weeks ago) and start communicating and acting like couples.I am giving it my last and final shot for the next couple of weeks to pour in lots of energy into making things interesting and spending more time with her again. See if that works.If the put downs and dissatisfactions continue. If the pain can't be healed and apologies made sincerely. Then mark my words right here and now, I will be packing and going.I put my name down for a nice apartment for the middle of next month. So there's a couple of weeks to try here. If nothing works, I'll end this misery for us both and leave. I'll be sure to do it while she is out of harm's way because I know she will want to destroy everything in rage knowing that her entire life that she tried to build in Australia has been torn down and she is being sent home to her parents' impoverished home.I deserve a lot more than I'm getting. So much more. I am tired of living a life full of conditions. I want to be free. Relationships aren't chalked up to be that much and I definitely didn't know what I was getting into when I chose to marry. My father did warn me about this and told me it won't work unless I already had substantial savings and a stable job. Funnily enough, he was right?
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anniversary, crush, debt, depressed, divorce, flowers, her ex, her past, immature, in the mood, liar, money, my boss, orgasm, porn, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 I think it's best to end it. truly. You DO deserve more.
You sound like a good guy who is doing the best he can and made a bad decision. That happens to the best of us.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 January 2013):
 I suggest that you focus on this, single, sentence in your submittal:
"We had a heart to heart talk that evening and she told me she was confused because she wanted to save the marriage but she didn't like my personality anymore and didn't want to be with me. " .... and dissect it, bit by bit:
"....she told me she was confused..." She sure is.... to the extent that she probably should seek outside (professional) help to learn what that confusion is... where it comes from... and how to rectify it.
"...she wanted to save the marriage but she didn't like my personality anymore and didn't want to be with me..." Well, this phrase certainly contradicts itself, doesn't it?
IF she wishes to be married (to someone) then she ought to seek out someone whose personality she likes... and who she would like to spend time with.
IF she wants to save YOUR (and her's) marriage, then it's incumbent upon HER to decide that she likes your personality AND wants to be with you...
BUT isn't all that just circular???
I'd run away from this "marriage" so fast that my shoes would melt....
Good luck....
...............................
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