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writes: Dear FriendA long storyNeed some help with my sanity…….Is my relationship worth saving?3 years ago I met the woman of my dreams.It was at a company event when my eyes met this woman and an almighty ‘click’ took place. We talked and instantly there was the most amazing feeling of being ‘together’ as we became oblivious to everyone around us. We had so much in common it was unbelievable. Although we knew each other for about 3 years before (purely on a professional level) we didn’t expect this. Both of us were involved in relationships and both of us had children. We did kiss that evening and it felt magical.The next day we found out that we had more and more in common, we had the same ideas about children, similar values and we even shared the same birthday! This woman had really taken a hold of me and from that moment and nearly every thought I had was about her.My relationship was already on the rocks with my ex having left twice before with the kids. We had been growing apart for years and there was no love left. This woman was in the same boat- a ‘loveless’ relationship. Both of us were with our ‘then’ partners for 13 years.Over the next few weeks our feelings for each other became stronger and stronger, we talked frequently and started to get to know each other’s lives very well. Again our values were very similar and right from the outset we were completely honest about everything.It’s true to say that we started having an affair. We saw each other every 3 or 4 weeks and got closer and closer and fell deeply in love. There was one important factor that we never considered then, but becomes clearer later……we lived 300 miles apart. About 3 months after we met, she decided to split up with her husband and he was ready to move on too. Two weeks after that, my ex announced that she wanted to separate and move on with the kids. This really made me panic. The thought of ‘losing’ the kids was very frightening. I would say that I’m a very good father and have always been devoted to the children from the day they were born.At no point did my love and I ever discuss a future together……..we were just there for each other, talking about the good and bad times and taking it as it comes.During the time that our previous partners were still at ‘home’ we were a great support to each other until the day came for MY ex to move out. My ex seemed very happy to be moving out and all I could think of was the kids. I panicked and tried to convince her to stay…..I knew it was for the wrong reasons, but the thought of the kids being away from me seemed unbearable. I did everything to convince my ex to change her mind, and even took her on a weekend break. During this time I wasn’t really there for my love, I was scared of ‘losing’ the kids so much, little else mattered. My ex moved to a house only a few minutes away so I was getting to see the children regularly. At the same time my health started to suffer with all the stress that I was under. I couldn’t sleep and was crying all the time thinking about my children. My ex wasn’t doing a particularly good job with them and things were very tense between us. She was struggling and so was I. About 6 weeks after my ex moved out, my health started to suffer badly. I didn’t know why I was so tired why bits of my body started to go numb. Not long after, I went to see a neurologist who referred me for an MRI scan………..Then came the worst news of my life……….I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). At this point I really felt that my life had fallen apart. Never before had I needed my ex and children so much, but of course she was ‘gone’ in her mind.The MS symptoms got worse……..so bad that I lost the use of both arms, I couldn’t do even the simplest of tasks (buttons, laces, writing etc,). Needless to say that this was the lowest point in my life. I have never been so scared in all my life.Just after I was diagnosed my love and I had spoken on and off. She was obviously trying to rebuild her life on her own and I didn’t have a clue what my life was about anymore.Two weeks after I was diagnosed my love came to see me. The ‘magic’ was all there…..it seemed like we just picked up again. It was the first time I’d smiled and felt really loved. Needless to say I was distraught when she had to go back home. Inside me I knew how much I loved her but with all the turmoil, in hindsight I didn’t pay her problems enough attention.Over the next few months’ things started to improve, my arms came back and we were a tower of strength for each other. Although it seemed that I had many more problems and much more emotional ‘baggage’ than she did. It was very hard trying to face up to a health problem, but I never gave up. It changed my personality for better and worse……I started to think a bit more negatively and started to dwell on the future……wondering about things that might never happen. I thought often about “what happens if my legs go?” and just didn’t face up to fear very well. For the better I started to value kids, love and family more.I know that my love was dealing with an emotionally unstable person at the time, although I have a strong mind a tried everything to hold it together. She was there for me whenever she could be, 300 miles is not that easy to conquer, but she managed it. My negative thinking wasn’t going away. I started to wonder about all sorts, health, kids and what future was there for my love and I? My love was the most optimistic person you could meet….she was perfect with kindness and loving.Things then took another turn for the worse…exactly one year after my ex moved out, another one of my worst fears came true. My ex took the kids back to her hometown about 15 miles away. This destroyed me again. I couldn’t stop crying and all that effort and time I’d spent rebuilding my life around the children was suddenly wasted. My love was as always there for me and comforted me through yet another difficult time. Over that last year my love and I spent a good deal of time together (every 2 weeks) and the love grew stronger and stronger between us. Every time we were together there was so much love between us, it definitely felt very very special. But each time we parted it slowly got harder and harder. We’d met each other’s children and got closer to each other’s lives. I met her children 4 months after I was diagnosed with MS. She met mine not long after. We went camping with the kids and involved them where it was possible. Even that was becoming a little tough, my love is from Scotland and I’m from England and the school holidays are at different times!The strain of a long distance relationship started taking its toll on me. I started to rely on my love for nearly all my happiness and truthfully I started to cling to her a little. In fairness we both became obsessed with each other it’s just that mine was in a more negative way. On about 3 occasions I nearly broke it off with her and it was all based on the fact that I could see no future together. She wasn’t going to move and nor was I. We both love our children far too much to compromise them in any way, by that I mean her kids would have lost contact with their father if she were to even consider moving. Her attitude was not to make any plans but live by the fact that ‘there will be something around the corner’, she is a very positive person who has always looked on the bright side of life.My health was a bit up and down with very bad fatigue being my main problem. This became a problem for us because I wanted her with me on those days to help me and I started to resent her life a little. I couldn’t get out of bed and she was living a near normal life 300 miles away. In truth on my bad days it quite often ended in a conversation about ‘us’, nearly always by me. I started picking her up on things that were important to me. It was a case of hurting the one you love.During the first 5 months of this year things have been more up and down than ever. Most of it has been down to my negative thinking and looking for some kind of ‘security’ I guess. Things were usually only bad when we were apart. When we got together the ‘magic’ was still there, in fact we loved each other more and more. She was the kindest and most loving woman I could have hoped for.Then in May 2005 I finally came to terms with my MS, I started ignoring all the little symptoms and never felt fitter and better. It had taken nearly 2 years to finally accept and conquer my illness, and I genuinely felt that happiness and peace of mind was just around the corner.But only 4 weeks later our biggest problem arrived. I went to her house as I was a little stressed and things were blissful for the first couple of days. That was until I used her computer for some work I had to do. Curiosity made me look through her Internet files and my heart sank and my world fell apart. I found that she had created a profile on a ‘dating’ website and had viewed a few profiles of other men. Naturally I reacted with anger and was absolutely devastated, and was desperate to find answers. Her answer was that it was just sheer stupidity and she didn’t realise how damaging it would become. I got wrapped up in the detail and felt very betrayed, she had described her ideal man in this profile and I didn’t quite fit the bill. She apologised time and time again and we tried to work things through. In hindsight she was probably the last person I should have been talking to at that time.I found the whole thing very difficult to come to terms with. I gave her a hard time fairly frequently, not when we were together but over the phone when we were apart. I went to see a counsellor and a psychiatrist to try and help me with the feelings of low self-esteem and anxiety. I hadn’t felt this bad since being diagnosed with my illness.I knew that I needed to let it go but found the hurt so bad that I started to destroy my relationship without knowing it. I trusted this woman implicitly and had all my faith in her. I loved her with every bit of my heart.Then the worst thing of all happened. We went on holiday with all the kids during the summer and most of the time it was bliss, but I still hadn’t really let go of the internet thing. I started looking at other men and comparing myself to them and my confidence, which I’d just regained, was lost again. After the holiday’s, things were up and down until one day when she was driving to mine, something snapped inside her. She turned up at my house, had bought books for the kids and was her usual loving self. Then came the dreaded moment……she told me she could no longer cope with the ‘roller coaster’ that we’d been going through and that it was time for her to let me go. More importantly that she’d lost her optimism for ‘us’ and could not see any way of working out the distance and that there was no future.Today we are both completely heartbroken. We both know that the ‘magic’ is still there but we just can’t be together. I have reflected on my mistakes and know that if I’d let things go a lot quicker, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Is it time to let go and how do I learn from this?
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affair, confidence, heartbroken, long distance, move on, moved out, my ex, on holiday, split up, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): If you want this relationship with your gf to work...you need to decide, once and for all, if all the emotional burdens you continually cling to are useful, because all this excess emotional baggage has made you a less effective supportive, loving bf to her. Think abut this. Your gf has the patience of "Mother Theresa" and, hun, she is emotionally drained, spent, exhausted having this relationship with you! You have allowed yourself to carry way too much pain and negativity , that your emotional health has gotten damaged. The MS is uncontrollable but you can lessen the emotional chronic stress you have in your life, by simply making the clear cut decision to never allow it to rule your life, anymore. And the only way you can achieve that is a total attitude makeover. Hun, everyone's life includes pain and hardship. They also contain good fortune and opportunities for joy. How can you deal with the pain and yet be open to the joy? We must be able to accept what is, do what you can to change things for the better, and be willing to release your grip on emotional baggage that draws you and her back into YOUR self-imposed suffering. You also need to be able to balance the bad with the good. While bad things happen and there is much good that happens too and love is all around everyone, in different guises. You just have to open your mind to it. So is your relationship worth saving? It is, but you need to vaporize and dissolve the negativity. Toss it out...get rid of it. Get back into counseling and seek help with your burdens...build your self-esteem and realize your self value. Once you get to the point, of diminishing the
baggage once and for all-then and only then -do you work at getting her back.. But work on YOU first. I wish you well Take Care
Hugs, Irish
A
reader, pops +, writes (5 October 2005):
Get yourself into therapy with a good marriage or relationship counselor. YOu haven't even found out what you did wrong in the first marriage, and you want to know what you did wrong with this next relationship. Take them one at a time. Give the woman some space and time. If she still loves you, a little time with not change that. You will owe her apologies, and she will need the time to put this all into perspective, and consider both the effect of stress from you ex-wife and your MS on your conduct. Neither is an excuse for what you did. This is the reason counselors tell people who are getting divorced to give themselves a couple of years to get over the first divorce, apportion the blame and guilt between themselves and their ex, figure out when and where it started going wrong, figure out who you are as a single adult, and finally learn to like who you are as a single adult before starting a serious romance again. Until you have learned from the failures of your first marriage, you are doomed to repeat most of the mistakes the next time. Give yourself a break, and give your lover a break. You both deserve it.
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