A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you deal with a mammys boy? I’m at my wits end. My boyfriend lost his father last year, this was before I met him. He used to live with his ex he told me and things didn’t work out cause he said they were both too far away from family. He moved back in with his mum and he’s being living back at home since January. I share a flat with another male (gay friend) and we rarely stay there. He always wants me to stay at his mums house. I get on with his mum but recently she’s demanding all his time. She’s always got a list of jobs for him to do, she’s always ringing him when he’s with me. Things got awkward tonight when he pinky promised her that he would sort some house insurance for her. Then we were going out for a meal and she wasn’t pleased because she was going to be alone all night. He sat on edge all night and when we got home sge had gone out and he sat waiting up for her cause she text him saying she wasn’t happy about us going out. I understand his mum is lonely and grieving but am I being unreasonable for thinking this is not right. He’s 34 years old and I’m 30.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2022): I am a female and my mother used to be very much like this guy's mother. I had left home and was totally independent, had a successful business with a lot of staff, I had never had any help from my mother of any type and she often tried to milk me for money etc even though she had plenty of her own - she had this idea that as she had given birth to me I owed her big time.
I started to date a guy and then live with him. It turned out he was very much like your guy with his mother. Then he insisted she move in with us as she had left his father and had nowhere to go. She moved in with us but sat around watching tv and smoking all day, whenever I said to her about her getting a job she had excuses. I was working very long hours and paying most of the bills for food, rent, utilities and she did not put in a penny. Yet she found money to go out to bars every night. One day I made sure it was just the two of us and I told her she must get a job within so many weeks or she was out. She must contribute or she was out. Urgh she said but she reluctantly got a job working in a shop. Then she kept finding excuses not to go.
She got another warning. She suddenly remembered she had a friend she could go to stay with and was off - good.
When I started dating a guy I became very fond of she was constantly complaining that I saw this guy too much and should go to visit her more (even though she was a three hour drive from me and I don't have a car or drive, it would have taken me a whole day to get there. I had a lot of commitments which would make it impossible to spend a whole day going there and a whole day coming back regularly. On top of that she wanted to give me a list of jobs to do for her - when it would have made far more sense for her to call in the local cleaner or handyman to do them. But she saw it as part of what I owed her for giving birth to me. The difference between me and your guy is that I am mature - I was 25 then, and I put my foot down and said no many times. Take it or leave it was my attitude.
I would make sure I found the time to phone her regularly
but not spend two days and a lot of money travelling there to do her chores for her so that she could save a few dollars on a cleaner or handyman. Your guy should have worked out how to handle his mum years ago. At 34 he is a child in an adult's body and he is also hiding behind all this as a way not to grow up and get into a serious relationship with a woman properly. He is scared of his mother's wrath and scared of her anger and scared of her not being happy with him far more than is normal or healthy for him or anyone he is with. Of course one of the reason's he is still single and living this way is how she is and the other and biggest reason is how he is. Where he just accepts it and lives with it and acts as if he has no choice.
This is not about his father dying this is about her cracking the whip and saying jump and he says yes mum, how high. Some men are like that with their wives and make very boring husbands. When they are like this with their mum it is even more boring. He will never change.
There is something seriously wrong with both of them.
It is up to you what you do about it but thinking of changing him is ridiculous. He does not want to change and he would not be able to. You can only decide whether to stick around or not.If you stick around then don't carry on moaning, it is a choice. Remember that guys like him always put their mum first, you are just there for little luxuries he cannot get off mum like sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2022): This isn't going to change. It will get progressively worse; because she sees him as a replacement for his father. He's weak of character, and short on maturity. He lacks the maturity to keep a balance between his love-life and his family-life.
She is milking the bereaved-mother card for all it's worth. She is probably the self-absorbed manipulative type of person who places her own needs and desires above anyone else's. He didn't become a mama's-boy because his father died; he was always a man-baby. Attached to mother's umbilical cord since birth. Which probably explains why he's still single, and living with his mummy at 34.
If you're writing for advice on how to change him, or how to fend-off his mother; there is no place to really find that kind of advice. Neither here, nor anywhere else. You don't have the right, or power, to change people to be whom you want them to be. You can't make a 34 year-old man-baby suddenly grow-up. He had to have done that by the time he reached his adolescence; and moved-on to be self-supporting and completely independent. While still being a loving and caring son, in a healthy and mature way.
It's a wonderful thing to be supportive and loyal to your parents. It's good to be loving and caring of your mother; because she gave you life. There is nothing wrong with being very close to your mother. You also have to know when to be a man, and be quick to remind mother you are no longer nursing; and you're too old to be sucking her teats.
You may as well wean yourself from this relationship; because he isn't weaned off his mum.
It's somewhat perverse to be "too" attached to your mother, because it's unhealthy behavior in an adult-male. There is the exception when your mother is elderly, frail, sickly, and alone; and she needs someone to take care of her. If she's a healthy strong woman, and all she does is compete with your girlfriend or wife; and stays unnaturally focused on separating you from your romantic-connections. That's unhealthy, and bordering on Oedipus Complex. A man obsessed with his mother, and a mother who seems to have a problem with her son having intimate romantic-partnerships with women. You don't get in-between them; you kick him out of your life and move on. Otherwise, if you're not going to leave him; you must adapt to the situation, because she's closer to him than you will ever be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2022):
 Oh, OP just run.
End this, there is NO change in sight.
He is living with his mom because it makes HIS life easier and his mom's life easier too. And to a point, there is nothing wrong in wanting to take care of a parent, but it almost seems like he is dating HER (part from romance) and you are some second thought side piece.
You know you are not being unreasonable.
And yes, they are probably BOTH still grieving. He isn't ready to date anyone seriously.
If he can't even go out for a meal with you without his mom punishing him for it, HOW do you think you two can conduct an ACTUAL relationship?
For your OWN sake. This isn't going to change.
She is AT the most 60. She would probably live until her late 80's - so if you want kids, marriage a house together - it's not going to happen with this one. Because HE is happy living with mom. I bet SHE does ALL the chores and all HE has to do is follow all her little lists and whims.
Wish him well. Find someone who wants a partner, not a "side-chick" or an "FWB".
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