A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Am I asking for too much??I feel like I have been through too much and we have only been married 3 weeks. She won't kiss me very often because she felt betrayed by something that happened over a year ago in which we both nearly broke up. Yet she appeared to get over it and still married me.I can't be a perfectionist. I fixed my lateness problem...but not before being punished by her. She got dressed up in lingerie and waited too long for me (had a bad stomach so some sympathy would have been appreciated). When I came to bed, she sat on the computer and ignored me and said this is her new strategy to deal with my lateness.Two nights ago, I tried to take her out to the city to see the choir singing but it was boring for her because she couldn't understand it. So her reaction was to be sour and tell me that she would rather have stayed home to study than waste her valuable quality time.Last night our Christmas night ended like this: she got a shower first and I looked up some games on the computer to send to my cousin. She came out and complained for me to spend time with her. I quickly got a shower and came back. She tried to ignore me and I said fair is fair, let's watch a movie. Well, the movie program didn't work so she said that she felt forced to do something that I wanted. Finished up the night watching travel programs in Chinese. Bad luck for me. I tried to kiss her and make out and she called me a girl, rolled over and went to sleep. Leaving me to take care of myself and imagine what it feels like to pasdionately kiss a woman.I'm missing that intimacy more than ever.On Christmas eve when she dressed up and ignored me, I got upset enough to walk out slamming the door behind me because she was laughing and putting on a smirk like she was getting off at seeing me hurt. This woke the parents up (we came down to spend xmas with my folks). Dad said I was the one with issues if I was just getting upset over her not watching a movie with me.But they don't know that on the way down on the train, she seen me texting merry xmas to a bunch of girls back in China (it was everyone in my phonebook inc. quite a few guys too). That started her off...she accused me of wanting to sleep with them, tried to destroy my glasses, then proceeded to lay into my arm and pinched my skin hard enough to draw blood. After she cooled down, she tried to apologise. I told her I was keeping a record of the assaults.She has a problem with anger management. The night after our marriage, she tore up the copy of our marriage certificate in a fit of rage.For Christmas Day, she was very pleasant while dealing with my family and kept being nice to me. This extended into the afternoon. She says I am the one with the problem...On the train, she tried to cheer me up by saying that she wanted to go to the beach. Yet when suggested that we put our picnic set present to good use for today, the reaction I got was 'I need to study for my job so we can have money for our future'... a few days ago, she threw it in my face that she didn't want to go outside with a man that has no money.Now my esteem has been shot naturally. I am pretty strong and patient but I am tired of her act. I need more time to secure more than casual work. We only just got back from China.I have been taking all the little passing comments of hers seriously given what she is doing. Things like wishing we could take our car up to the city because her driver for her job is so cool to drive her around late at night from the hotel to the train station (different drivers for her guide work), and a passing comment about how it's a shame that many gay guys are so handsome but unavalable.Oh, she found out that I deleted this old Norwegian married man from her chat program because when I opened up her msn, he came on there thinking she was online and started saying things like 'i miss my old love' and sending dirty pictures to her. I abused him and said it speaks volumes of his character to cheat on his partner and try to chat up a married woman.I don't know if I was more disappointed by her looking for him on her list, or by her leaving him on there. I was very angered and bitter but she tried to hug me and said she stands on my side and won't let me have to fight with other men to be with her...I am tired. My parents say it is my problem and to get used to having a partner who wants space to do their own thing. I have no problem with that. But what should I do about my desire for more intimacy and less put downs?I tossed around the idea of just having a break for a week or so at my parents house. I'm just not happy with her attitude towards me and this arrogant expression she puts on her face as she purposely tries to ignore me. It frustrates me to the point of wanting to destroy something.Readers, what should I do? I just seem to be digging a bigger hole for myself because every time I show I am unhappy, others think I have the problem and it lowers my status in her eyes. I have tried to take the lead, tried cooling off, tried most things yet the best I get is an ok friendship inc. hugs and atfection, but a lot of put downs and actions that speak volumes of her wanting more space from me.As I get older, I am starting to hate married life and I'm wishing for more intimacy and something that feels more real. Funnily enough, I got told by a friend that my expectations are too high and that I need to expect that life is never like a romance novel.Am I just too difficult with too many expctations?? Why am I being called a girl when I want to be intimate with her?I don't get why she loves me when she just puts me down and behaves like I am a turn off. And, no I do not act like a lovesick puppy dog around her. I have more b***s than that. Actually I usually have to listen to her complaints about me not spending time with her.
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a break, broke up, christmas, cousin, married man, married woman, money, msn, my ex, puts me down, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missy123456  +, writes (26 December 2011):
Unless you are willing to be honest with her and ready to take whatever it takes to win her back, then separate until both of you know what you want. If you do separate do not start another relationship until you reached the decision on this one, that will only bring you more problems and more dear cupid questions.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 December 2011):
 Op, correct me if I am wrong because I cannot be 100% sure, but some time ago ( one year ago ? two ?) there was an Australian guy living in China with a Chinese tour guide who posted several times on DC. I take it that was you, otherwise the coincidence would be quite amazing.I remember that you posted repeatedly, and that you had a lot of problems in your relationship, which sounded frankly like a nightmare. You said she was cold, demanding, verbally and phisically abusive, wanted a lot of space but did not give you any, you had problems in bed ,trust issues...the whole nine yards.If that is really you I'll have to comment that :- marriage has got nothing to do with your current problems, this was and has always been the dynamics between you, so if unluckily you were not able to smooth things over before, and you decided to go ahead and get married nevertheless, it's not a marriage certificate that will change them now ,- I suspect that, basically, that's the way you like it.The drama. The arguments. The put downs .Some people are like that , if there's no shenanigans, no emotional roller coaster, basically they get bored, they need a dysfunctional relationship to feel passionate about someone; if they are treated with fairness, kindness and respect, they sort of lose interest. They need to be, or feel, victimized to have fun, in a way. Generally, it happens more to women- but maybe that's just why your wife calls you a " girl ". Because you like the drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): Whoa....This woman has SERIOUS issues on so many levels I don't know where to begin. I'm actually shocked that you could even suggest you are expecting too much or anything..I hope other people can offer some proper advice. I just really only had to comment that you shouldn't be beating yourself up, this woman sounds insane. She throws temper tantrums but then wants cuddles?She manipulates you and puts you down, when she should be supporting you and your better half, she sounds like a child-ish brat. Making you the bad guy in front of other people, especially the in-laws.Are you a mixed-relationship couple? Or both chinese?Sounds a lot like cultural issues if you are not the same background.
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