A
female
age
51-59,
*ilian
writes:What people don't seem to realize, is the importance of having other people in your life, boosting your confidence and making you feel better about yourself. It would be perfect to have somebody who loves and cares about you. Even gorgeous women, who were never short of attention and affection, seem to crave male attention and the thrill of flerting. So how do you think I must be feeling when I see couples holding hands? I've never in my life walked down the street holding hands with anybody. I've had many lovers in the past but never a partner. I never felt loved and wanted. And things are worse now, because I don't even get the occasional flerting glance, I feel invisible at best, hideously ugly when I'm really down. Absolutely and completely lonely. Relationship trouble? Oh please! I'd take that over being lonely any day. When you have relationship trouble, you always have at least one choice: walk away!! When you are lonely, you can't change it at will, it's not a matter of state of mind. ''Go out''? ''Meet new people?'' Give me a brake! Been there, done that. It doesn't work. I'm just not the type anybody falls in love with. I'm getting old and terrified of dying alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): Hi - My heart is out to you as it is a viscious circle of thoughts and feelings that you have. Firstly pause for a moment and imagine yourself completely trapped in a loveless, abusive or violent relationship and then consider yourself a little luckier than some. It is true that attractive, positive people attract exactly that in their life - I think I've read somewhere this is called 'abundance' so you might want to check it out on google or similar. I had a friend who was 35 and was so frustrated at her single life she'd not even had lovers for about 10 years. Quite out the blue one of her friends re-located to a new town and said she'd met this guy who seemed just her type and so manufactured a meeting for them. They hit it off and are still together - soul mates. Sometimes you need to encourage other people to help you meet someone and this does include, as advised in the other posts, taking up social invitations. I suffer with depression and know the hollow feeling you have at present - I get through by smiling more than I need to - I find people are cheerful back. I plan some treats and goals each week. Its not 'man finding' related but it all helps. Just a small thing not sure whether you like dancing but I started going to Ceroc - its great fun, very polite and you swap partners - the men are really lovely that go and its a real confidence boost.
A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (6 August 2007):
Hi,
I second everything that AuntyEm has said. I just want to add a word of defence for those who say “go out more” or “get involved in a new project or hobby”. It sounds glib, and it’s what everyone says, but it has a sound basis, which is that the more different people you meet, the more likely you are to make all kinds of friends, including romantically. It’s increasing the odds. If you are doing things that you always wanted to do, you will feel better about yourself, and that will make you more attractive. The hard thing about depression and lack of self-worth is that you become less appealing to others, and so you get into a vicious circle that it’s hard to break. Another way to look at this is that you can’t change everyone else; you can only do something about you.
One of my life-long girlfriends found her first love in her late 30’s. She isn’t the prettiest woman in the world, and she was shy. I know she had given up hope for years, but then she decided that as she wanted kids, it was now or never. She did exactly what you have said is silly. She started accepting every single social invitation she received, no matter whether she was busy, tired, whatever. She took up a martial art, changed her job, started dressing less dowdily, hairdo, the works. I have to admit (and I’m only doing this because this is anonymous), that I honestly didn’t think it would work because I had never seen a man show interest in her - ever. You have only had lovers – she hadn’t had even that. She moved away with her new job, and then a few months later came back home to a party with her new man. He wasn’t just OK, he was really cute, and funny, and kind. How wrong I was! She met him through her new job, and I am sure that she was attractive to him because she came across as a lively, interesting woman – which she always was underneath her shyness. Well, that was a few years ago, and they are engaged, have a baby, and are very happy. I told you about her because your message reminded me of her. Of course, there are no guarantees, but you can give yourself more chances.
The other thought I had, was whether you are “the kind of person that people don’t fall in love with”, because you give-off “don’t get close to me” vibes. You may not realise that you do it. If you have had lovers, then you are an attractive woman, despite how you are feeling at the moment. So what’s going on? Ask a close friend or sibling if they think you push men away in some way. If it turns out that you do, then you could seek some kind of counselling to help you make some changes.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 August 2007):
 There is both good and bad news to this predicament. So I am gonna give you the bad news first.
There is no quick fix or guarantee that we will ever meet the love of our life. Its nothing we can manipulate, form a strategy for or even plan for, we only have hope and it's our own choice if we choose to hold onto that hope. I am single myself and I would be lying to you if I said it didn't get me down on some days. Little things, like seeing happy couples holding hands or sharing a romantic dinner for two, give me a pang of 'oh I wish', but I remain hopeful that it will still happen for me...but I do know I CANNOT force it or MAKE it happen.
Now for the good news. True love knows no bounds and that includes age. If this were the case then we would never read in the newspaper about ' Gertrude and Fred tying the knot at the tender age of 89'. Love can happen to any of us at any age.
I read your post three times to try and picture in my mind about how you really feel about yourself and I can sense the over whelming tidal wave of frustration and dissapointment you have. You are also being so hard on yourself and defeatist and angry and fatalistic. I am absolutely sure, this isn't how you really are and it isn't the way you want to be seen.
You need to take a time out from the negativity which is pulling you down, step away and disattach yourself from it. It is an old cliche that we say ' we need to find ourselves to be happy' but it is a true one.
It is not anyones responsibility to make us feel good about ourselves. Its OUR OWN responsibility to make ourselves feel good. Developing ourselves into the person we truly would like to be takes time and effort. Simple things like enhancing our appearance by getting a new hairstyle or losing or gaining a few pounds, boosts self esteem and pursuing our interests and doing things we enjoy makes us more interesting to others.
If you present a negative image, then that is how people will percieve you. You can meet a million new people, but if you only show them the down side, then they are gonna take off pretty quickly. Focus on yourself, be selfish with your free time and indulge in whatever really gives you the most pleasure. Build yourself up into who you want to present to the world and just see what happens. For those moments when you feel really down, gather in your friends and go out and have a good time or just get a good movie and a tub of ice cream and wallow for a few hours, but don't allow it to dominate your life.
Put your best foot foward girl with a new overhauled positive attitude and reap the rewards.
Good Luck and a big hug
Aunty Em xxx
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