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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: how can there be such a great contrast--i've dated someone once who was on the surface, kind and sometimes genuinely understanding, we rarely if ever had a true fight (he never once instigated one, but was very passive aggressive i found), and when it came to sex, he could be often immature, kinda selfish, he would hold back on his enjoyment, was even prudish in a way at times, almost infantile. i started to feel jaded on the relationship especially because of this bedroom behavior--kind of like his physical behavior reflected to me his true repressed (negative) feelings towards me and towards true intimacy in general. i tried to help him feel better, tried to communicate, but he would usually shut down completely if i tried to talk to him or to ease his insecurities. a few times the sex helped me feel much closer to him, but we really just got along better when we dealt with each other on the surface, more as "friends"--just talking, but never anything deep. trying to get closer just left me feeling cold inside, even though i wanted to give him my love. basically, emotionally and physically he was often distant.but then i had a boyfriend who seemed created for me, and i for him (as he said), when it came to physical affection. it's like he could write a book on how to make a woman feel loved and respected and and the same time, never feel bored during sex, and all things physical. we didn't start out that way (at first it was awkward), but with short time, we were completely in sync. but in real life outside of the bedroom, we began fighting often (mainly his instigation), he could be sadistic (but never in bed), he could act like a 10 year old and be so disrespectful. but then, there was the other side, physically--truly respectful, communicative, humorous, not prudish, patient, years ahead of his age when it came to sex. so loving. all i really felt from him was love, patience, animal lust...in the bedroom. i don't understand the contrast between his sexual behavior and how he dealt with me when we weren't being physical. i think how one behaves in bed kind of reflects a deeper aspect of their personality, which in the case of sex he seemed impressively well-adjusted, and willing to listen, learn, communicate clearly to me his needs, but outside of this context, as i said, he behaved often at the level of an adolescent (or younger) boy. my way of thinking could be entirely off-base, but, still: how could he have been so black and white? (both of these relationships lasted about the same amount of time. both men were near their mid 20's, as was i...)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): yes, it was about control.me no like.thanks, oldersister!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): oldersister,
original poster here to say--
thanks for the insight and i almost agree with it completely, except that i never really felt that much sexual tension with him. before we started our relationship and i just knew him, i felt it on my side, but when we started, i never really felt it again. maybe he needed to create the discord so he could "enjoy" the relationship more, but if anything, the kindness and sensitivity he had in bed was a relief from the emotional tension between us, for me at least. the crazy fighting made me want him less, not more, except in the way that i knew we'd at least be getting along if only when getting it on...
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