A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I could do with some help and advice I've been with my boyfriend/partner for 7 years, and we've been living together for 6. We've had our ups and downs, a few times we have nearly ended things. More recently he has become hot headed, selfish, arrogant when he's had a few drinks. His personality changes from the loving boyfriend I know into this other character almost like Jekyll and Hyde. I don't like him as a person when he's had a drink (he's a light weight and can't handle it). Tonight for example he came home after work and '1 drink', which was clearly a number of drinks, and demanded his dinner. He wasn't happy he had to put it in the microwave for 4mins! He became verbally abusive and for the first time he was getting in my face, pointing, and his behaviour was threatening. It actually scared me.My question therefore is what can I / you do if the person you love, who you truly believe is your soulmate, doesn't accept that he changes when he drinks and turns into a nasty character, becoming abusive? Has anyone else experienced this? Am I over reacting in becoming scared? I honestly don't think he would physically do anything but fearing his behaviour is surely not something that should be overlooked?Any change in his life means he is constantly adjusting...we are having a lot of work done on our house and he can't cope living in a mess. I don't like it but I am thinking of the end result which will be fantastic. He can't do that.Whenever he gets angry or has had a drink he brings up all the house stuff too - blaming me and stating he didn't want any of this. Again, all of this came up tonight when he'd got home after he had been drinking - shouting, insulting me, being verbally abusive. How much is too much? How many times do I need to go through this? (Rhetorical question!) I'd just like some help as I don't know what to do and which way to turn. I love him but at times I don't like him. These times are becoming more and more frequent...
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (12 September 2015):
 I know of 2 similar situations like yours where a happy, loving couple gradually grew apart by man's drinking which, like your guy, changed him into a neglectful and scary man.
In the first case, the woman simply left the house, went to live with her mother temporarily and she used me to negotiate with her husband a possible fix which, regrettably, never happened because despite his promises to change she was way to disgusted with him. They divorced.
The second case had a very positive outcome. The guy, who was my colleague, would get obliterated on liquor come Friday and would keep swallowing alcohol until Sunday night. Then repeat... for about 10 years straight. One day, 2 years ago, he discovered his wife had an emotional affair with some dude she met on a business trip. He saw the writing on the wall, and kept wailing to me about how he screwed up, did not know how to undo his deeds when drunk etc. Faced with the loss, he quit drinking, patched his marriage, forgave her and got forgiveness, and they seem rather happy together now.
In both cases, though, the guys were willing to change because they faced the catastrophic loss and in both cases it was the woman who decided which way that relationship went: first case collapsed because she, essentially, hated him and second because she loved him, but had a surreal substitute for she wanted out of him.
I guess my point here is that your guy, like these two dudes, may need to face the similar catastrophe of loss of you that could induce change in him. These examples also show that for that to happen both of you (not just one of you) have to have some trace of love and desire for each other if it's to come out positive.
Either way, the way you are living now is impossible and like these men, one day, irrespective of what we advise, you will decide to leave him, physically or mentally, because the way it is going is unsustainable. I am also sensing from your post that you hope to patch things up with him but unless he changes, regrettably, you will never patch anything. I just wonder how much love does he have for you, how attached he is to you and how willing is he to sacrifice his vice for your love. If he has but an ounce, perhaps leaving him could lead to a patch.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2015): Try to see it the other way and see that he is a really nasty piece of work who spent a long time trying to proove otherwise .. Giving him his walking boots and a one way ticket out of your life is a very sound form of self protection.If he is consumed by demons it is better he doesnt bring them to your home which should be a sanctuary of peace and harmony.He is consumed with jealousy at what he sees are improvements in your life.You dont have to hate him but just feel nothing.Nature has a way of helping with this by making you emotionally numb after another onslaught,but be warned that this type of behaviour is accumulative on a 5x5x5 scale. Banish him elswhere where he can lick his wounds (or someone else can)and try to prevent him disrupting your progress which was the motivation behind his jekyll and hyde transition.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 September 2015):
 I wouldn't be running for the hills just yet. Unless it gets physical. What I would try in the meantime is record him when he is not aware. Hard to say you don't have a problem when you're staring back at your own abusive behaviour. Show him the footage and suggest that until he is serious about getting some help you can be contacted at…….( Where ever it is you can arrange to stay) and you will discuss with him then what the next move will be. It would give you some time to get your thoughts in order also and perhaps workout a game plan either for the relationship or back up plan if you do decide to leave. You wouldn't be leaving him but you wouldn't be staying either. Could be something else is going on other than just the drink which is just exacerbating the problem. At the end of the day whether or not he is aware of how this is effecting you,you are and he needs to stop.
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A
female
reader, Complicated92  +, writes (12 September 2015):
 Hi, it's normal for you to be scared. In fact, I had a similar experience with my boyfriend. The only difference was it's not the alcoholic drinks that turned him. It's the stress he's facing at work that turned him into an abusive person. My advice for you is to leave him. I know it's never easy because I can't find the strength to leave him too in the first place but the choice that I made to stay with him, made me lost everything. My friends, my career... People change in time. If things are becoming more and more frequent, you guys should maybe talk it out. If he doesn't wanna talk, then you just have to pick up the courage and leave him. It's not the end of the world without him. You have a choice. Things might become worse and he might end up physically abusing you. I'm not trying to scare you but that's how aggressive men would end up. If you don't feel safe, call the cops or move to somewhere else you feel safe and comfortable. That would be my advice to you. All the best
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