A
male
age
41-50,
*hrisdemon
writes:What does she want from me?I recently opened a facebook account and not one week after posting my picture a woman from my past that I had asked to marry me sent me a message. She said, after a wee bit of small talk, that she had something to say and it went like this. (her) When I told you I wouldn't marry I was scared. I was sleeping on my sister's floor and you were leaving for the military. I had fallen for another guy and he was very secure for me. I moved in with him because I needed a place to stay and one thing led to another and before you know it we were married. I told her when she said no, basically, what she told me after 12 years, that she was only staying with him for security and she would regret not following her heart because I knew she was in love with me, and vice versa. Anyway, she continued... As soon as you left I knew I had made a mistake and I tried to find you but couldn't. I wish now that I had married you as I've been in love with you for the last twelve years and always will be.she's married with two kids. I'm married with two kids.I told her that I never stopped loving her and that I wasn't sure why we both still felt this way but that we should sort it out no matter what happens because we can't go on pining over each other forever and we can't just ignore each other either.Long story short we sorta fell in love again, though we still haven't met, and even though I tried to cut it off last week I don't know if I can. I don't know what to do.I can't stop thinking about this Other woman, never have been able to really get her out of my head. she said that she has obsessed about me every day and even though I find that flattering it's not why I'm interested. I really do love her I just don't know how to proceed because I'm a good man and my mind tells me one thing, my heart another, but my mind has always told me to follow my heart.any help would be greatly appreciated.I'm not sure if she just wants closure, but I asked her that and she said no. She said if things worked out perfectly she'd wake up next to me for the rest of her life. I said the same because it's how I truly feel.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (24 January 2009):
 Wow. That last female poster gave you amazing advice. You really should take that to heart...
I have been keeping up with this thread because it has peaked my interests. And I have had a question in mind for you. Are you bored with your romantic life right now? Has your sex life or daily life fallen into a rut and your looking for excitement? If this is the case, why don't you try amping things up with your wife? Get that spark back. If your bored, chances are that she is too.
I have a strong gut feeling this is just two bored exes looking for excitement in their lives/sex life. And sure, if your two go after this far fetched fantasy, and run off into the sunset, after a while you both will have fulfilled that boredom and wake up and realize what a huge mistake you have made. Like the other girl said, she flaked out on you once. What if she does it again. Look at it this way... You leave your wife for her. 6 months later, she flakes and goes back to her husband and family and your wife has half a brain and doesn't take you back. Then what? You've lost it all.
She did it once. Would she do it again? On what grounds did she marry her husband? That right there says a lot about her character deep down...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): What people say, in the comfort of their own homes, by computer, is one thing. If she had really loved you she would have married you back then. What kind of person is it that contacts a married man with a family in this way? A selfish one. It isn't as if she said she was glad you were happily married and wants the best for you. Why did she choose now to contact you? She is putting temptation in your way, and I think true love is actually quite sacrificial. You could end up divorced in no time if your wife finds out about this contact - it is mental infidelity, and many marriages have broken up because of contact from an ex via the internet. You asked why did she say she had always loved you - as if you want to hear someone say 'because she does - go for it'. She married someone else for security last time - I don't think she would feel very secure in a relationship with a married man who might go back to his wife - who might not earn enough to support her if paying maintenance. I know this all sounds harsh, but you need to think about these things, and you obviously have doubts about pursuing this to be coming on here for advice. And what if you both left your partners and then SHE decided to go back to her husband, or for the sake of her children. These things happen a lot. So when you ask, why does she say such and such - just think - is this a reliable person? Unreliable people say anything. You don't mention your feelings for your wife - maybe, like so many people do in an established marriage, you are taking her for granted. All I can say is - divorce is a terrible thing. It is highest on the list of stressful life events - more so than bereavement - the average divorce costs about £15,000, children have long term pyschological effects, and so do the adults involved. Single people follow their hearts - married people have committed theirs. I can see your dilemma though. You want to believe her - but have doubts. Listen to those doubts. Seriously - there is no rush. Keep off the computer for a while and clear your head. If this woman hadn't contacted you, were you happy with your life? And contented. How is life and work? Are you under pressure? Maybe she has contacted you when you were feeling vulnerable. I suggest being careful and not rushing into anything. And being mature about it. Has she made any suggestions? To meet? To run away together? Or just offloaded her romantic feelings on a quiet lonely night? Would you really want to leave your wife for an old flame? This really does sound like a fantasy, and a bit childish of you both (facebook is for young people!) I can tell it moved you being told you were loved. Have you heard that from your wife recently? Spend some quality time with her - even if just a night out together, and ask her how much she loves you. All I know is - whenever any relationship ends, there is a reason for it - and if people get back together, usually the same thing happens again - it ends again for the same reason - ie one person not being that committed, and not thinking about your feelings. Best wishes - and sleep on it - for a t least a few days.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): In my case I realised that I never gave that previous romance a chance to bloom to it's potential. I did think about this person everyday, but that was only due to my life not going the way I planned it, and more and more dwelled on the life I could have had with this other person.
She knew what she was doing when she told you and it's unfair to you, your wife, this woman's husband and all children involved.
She is just living in regret now, if she has been in love with you every day since she left why did it take her 12 years to get in touch?
She married her husband for security, and now she wants you. She has to make up her mind and you BOTH have to realise that it's just not you two in this situation.
It's been 12 years, if she wanted you that badly she would have done it a hell of a lot sooner in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (24 January 2009):
Both of you need closure and to get everything said, put it all on the table, then cut all ties. This is an emotional affair on your wife, and her husband. I just don't understand how two married people could really allow these types of conversations to even happen.
Get closure and move on. You both have families.
Are you unhappy in your marriage? Is she unhappy in hers? If both are, have you looked into marriage counseling?
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A
male
reader, chrisdemon +, writes (24 January 2009):
chrisdemon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy would she tell me that she has been in love with me ever since the day I left? She told me what she told me out of a sense of needing to give me full disclosure. She didn't expect me to reciprocate but just wanted to let me know she made a terrible mistake so long ago. If it was just what ifs and regret she wouldn't have reached out to me, at least I don't think she would have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): I agree. Leave it. Keep off facebook and live in the real world. You are at the age when married men with children stray - early thirties. Whatever this ex says - she married someone else - and presumably dumped you after you had gone away - rather than waiting for you, even though you had asked her to marry you. Whatever your feelings, there is a golden rule if someone has dumped you - never go back. I think you should stop thinking about her and start remembering what it was about your wife that you loved when you first met her. Married life has probably got comfortable and a bit too domestic and tedious at times. Arrange to leave your kids with relatives and go for a few days away with your wife and rekindle the romance - Valentine's Day is coming back. Leave this ex girlfriend to her security - because even if you were prepared to lose your home and wife, pay maintenance for years and only see your children at odd week-ends - for this woman - she is not trustworthy, and could well leave you again. So tell your heart not to be a doormat :-) Best wishes
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A
female
reader, redemption +, writes (24 January 2009):
You're married, with children. You should move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): To be honest with you I just think she is feeling this because she is unhappy with her own marriage, that she is now looking back to the one person who was willing to make her happy (you).
I understand how it can be hard for you and I have been in this situation. It can only end in tears.
It's just the unknowns and "what if's" that are making you both think this way.
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