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anonymous
writes: I met this lovely guy about a year ago who I instantly became attracted to. He wasn't interested but I kept my hopes up because we kept in contact both via the Internet and through text messages. At one point he even agreed to go out on a type of date but it never happened. In September he went off to university and we kept in touch but I thought I would never see him again. At Christmas time he came home and I was really surprised when he asked me to go out with him some time. We went out a few times and got together. The problem is that now we're going out, I can't stop wondering why he changed his mind. Am I being silly by asking myself this? Also, it's difficult with him being at university because we don't get to see each other very often and I keep worrying that he's cheating on me. Am I just being paranoid about this? Is it because I've been cheated on before?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (26 January 2005):
 I think you do need to establish why it is he changed his mind and ask him. It isn't surprising you feel insecure as at first he didn't really want to know. You also do need reassurance that he isn't cheating on you at uni. Basically, you need to know exactly where you stand. Does this guy consider you more as a companion when he feels like it or a girl-friend? It could be this. If this is the case then you need to know as you could be finding someone else who could treat you far better.He needs to put the effort into your relationship if he wants it to be a proper relationship by keeping in good contact while you are apart. Both of you should be ringing or texting and e-mailing each other as well as looking forward to seeing each other again.Ask him exactly how he feels while explaining how your past has also made you uncertain. If he cares about you he will understand and reassure you.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 January 2005):
 Hi there,If you've been cheated on before, it's going to colour your view of men for a while. That's just a given.However, when the thoughts that he's cheating on you enter your mind, you have to force yourself to remember that this is a different time, a different man, and a different relationship. One cheating boyfriend is no more representative of men at large than one dodgy kebab is representative of all takeaway.Don't worry that he changed his mind about going out with you. That's probably a GOOD sign. It could mean that he wasn't sure about you to begin with, but sees what a great person you are now. Or it could mean that he used to be carrying a torch for someone in his past, but isn't now. For every gloomy spin you can put on someone's behaviour, I can counter with a bright one. So you might as well look for the best in people.No matter what, I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this, though. Tell him that you feel silly sometimes, but you worry because of the distance between you that he'll forget about you and become interested in somebody else. Let him know that you know it's illogical but you feel this way because of your past experience. Listen to what he says in reply and see if you can't work out ways to stay interested in the details of each other's lives.See if you can set up times to text or ring each other on a regular basis. Make time to visit too.Distance relationships can be hard to manage, but you can make it work if you're both willing to try.Good luck.
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