A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex husband and I were very close like best friends. He did a lot for me and loved and understood me deeply and unconditionally and was always happy for me. We had an open relationship which got messy and he fell in love with another girl. We had been together for 13 years and i was very hurt in the beginning because i was sooo attached to him and he loved me soooo much. He told me he still sees me as family and a friend but i didn't understand it. He introduced me to her and I didn't talk to his girlfriend and made her know I didn't like her. From my actions she knows i still wanted to be with him. He has become very angry at me now and completely pulled away and shut me out because of my attitude with her. Few months have passed since the break up now and i'm beginning to re evealuate our relationship. I was really confused - I was not sure if i was mourning the loss of a friendship or a relationship. He was my other half and i can't imagine my life without him in it. He was always there for me and is truly a great friend, I feel so bad for being selfish and trying to jeopardize his new relationship instead of being happy for him. I have talked to him about it and he says its ok but its clear that he no longer loves me as a friend even. I feel so guilty; friendship is a great thing but I have proved to be a bad friend. Is there anything i can do to be friends again? I could talk to her about it but what should I say to her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): well he replaced you with a new girl, of course you're hurt. He has no right to be upset that you're hurt, what did he expect?
do you believe that you can have more than one best friend at the same time? If yes, then there is room for you and him to still be 'best friends' even if he's in love with someone else.
but if you feel that the answer is 'no' then there's no room for you in his life anymore or vice versa.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): You say he loved you unconditionally, if that were so he would still be married to you. I think unconditional love is something that can only be shared between a parent and child. Would you love your husband if he trashed talked you and cheated on you relentlessly? Or perhaps if he were a murderer or child molester? There are always conditions. There is a limit. But there is such a thing as true love and with true love comes dedication, loyalty, trust, companionship, etc. Open relationships rarely are forever. You can be in love but its not true love, if someone truely loves you then they would never rly want to share. Maybe in fantasy but never reality. Cut ties with your ex. You dont need him, you need you. Find yourself. Get someone to talk to. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Unless you have children together there is no need for contact with an ex.
He’s moving on. He does not love you.
My open marriage was also ruined by the lifestyle. I am with a man now who I will not share.
I have no contact with my ex and to be honest if he had an ex like you who wanted to be a close friend and she disrespected me, she would be cut out of our lives as well.
You still want him. You are a threat even if he does not want you (and clearly he does not). I’d cut you out of my man’s life so fast your head would spin.
He is not a great friend he will not always be in your life. HE IS YOUR EX HUSBAND… if you still had such a great relationship you would still be married.
I would let it go. I would get some therapy to help you finally move past this relationship and move on in your life…
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Don't mean to burst your bubble, but he can't have loved you so much at the end of your marriage if he fell in love with someone else. Maybe you have a different understanding of love than I have, but still. I think maybe you are holding on to how he used to love you, and not seeing that his love for you declined.
" I feel so bad for being selfish and trying to jeopardize his new relationship instead of being happy for him." Don't feel bad, he stabbed you in the back and left you. Sure, you had an open relationship, but what I'm hearing from this is that you were, and still are, very attached to him. No way did you ever want him to fall in love with someone else, and I am also thinking you didn't actually want the open relationship either. Because you had so much to lose, I don't believe you were actually willing to risk that.
He left you, you got dumped, and now you think you need to be happy for him? Oh no, you don't have to be happy for him at all. He took what was left of your marriage and stuffed it. So you do not owe him much.
You and him were close friends when you were married. You were not friends as exes, you were friends in marriage. I have been best friends with all my boyfriends as well. It's how it works, your intimate partner is the one you open to up and share your mind, body and soul with. Of course you grow to be best friends. It's essential to having a relationship.
However, that friendship naturally also whiters away once the relationship ends. It is no surprise that you and him no longer are best friends, it never could have worked like that. Because your friendship to him was tied up in you being his intimate partner. Now he got himself a new best friend, and new intimate partner. And there's only room for one such partner at a time. Unfortunately, that means you are out and the new girl is in.
Even if you had been over the moon happy for him, a friendship between the two of you didn't have much of a chance after you divorced. It is very difficult to be friends with an ex, and near impossible when it's just been a few months.
Maybe you and him can find back to your friendship in a few years time, when you are healed and no longer hurting from him leaving you for another woman. And don't think twice about it, you're fully within your rights to be mad at him and dislike this new woman. You'd be a saint if you weren't.
Don't talk to the new girl. Just let time pass and heal. Only talk to him when you no longer feel so attached to him, when you no longer feel hurt by him leaving you. Only talk to him when you no longer care about what he did.
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A
female
reader, inneedofadvice2  +, writes (10 October 2012):
I am living the opposite end of what/who you are. My boyfriend has an ex that he is particularly close to and it is rather frustrating from my end. If you met and her and made it known that you didn't like her, you must try to understand what she felt like. Its hard enough being the current partner of someone who has an ex. The fact that you do realize now that what you did was a little unfair is a good thing. Give him some time and space I'm sure he will come around.
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