A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really struggling with what to do and how to handle this situation. I've been with my partner for 4.5 years. She's very emotionally supportive and is my best friend, but I have lost all of my physical attraction to her at this point and it kills me. I have spent nearly two years now eating healthy and exercising. I go to the gym about 4 to 5 times a week and I've really turned my entire life around and have made drastic changes for myself. I look and feel better than I have in 15 years. On the other hand, my partner has done the exact opposite. In that same span of time, she has gained about 80 pounds and has zero interest or motivation in healthy eating or exercise. She has also stopped getting dressed and wearing makeup or doing anything with her physical appearance at all. It's like she's just stopped trying entirely. When we met, she wasn't like that. She would dress cute and do her hair and makeup. And she seemed to care about how she looked. But it's like she landed me and then just stopped trying. But she then wonders why our sex life is nonexistent. If I'm honest, I'm worried about her health, as she is pushing 300 pounds at this point and really doesn't seem to care. I fear she's going to have significant health issues, as heart disease runs in her family. I also find that I'm just not desiring sex with her anymore and I hate it. I don't want to feel this way but I just can't help it. I've tried to invite her to the gym with me but have only succeeded in getting her there 3 times in the last 2 years. And only one of those times did she actually workout with me. Normally she just stands there to "keep me company." Kinda missing the point. I've tried to gently talk to her and say that I wish she would consider eating healthy with me, hoping that would help motivate her. It didnt. I've even tried telling her I'm worried about her health and her dying. That was enough to get her to eat healthier for 2 weeks, but then she went right back to not caring.I'm really struggling with what to do. I don't want to leave her because I do love and care about her. But if I'm honest, if I met her today, I wouldn't be attracted to her at all. I just can't force myself to be attracted to her and she seems unwilling to take care of herself. What should I do? How do I get her to care? Or is that even possible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2022): Do you two have different schedules? Do you cook and bake only for you, or for the two of you? If it’s truly so much of a struggle for her to eat healthy, there are ways you can change your recipes to make them healthier, yet still taste as good if not better. She will still lose some of the weight if she’s eating healthier ingredients. For instance, when you bake, replace granulated sugar with raw sugar in any recipe that tells you to use granulated. It won’t affect the texture much in most recipes, and it tastes better in my opinion. Your body digests raw sugar a lot easier than processed sugars. Also, if she’s drinking a lot of soda, it usually contains high fructose corn syrup, which the body doesn’t recognize at all. Have her switch to soda that uses real sugar. She will still have to cut back the amount to get results faster, but simply making the switch will help. Avoid diet soda, as the artificial sweetener aspartame used in most diet sodas can cause sweet cravings to increase. When it comes to cooking, switch out standard salt for pink Himalayan salt. Standard salt contains iodine which you do need, but you can take supplements. A diet that contains too much salt contributes to bloating and weight gain. Look for the low sodium variety when it comes to canned food. If she’s eating a lot of fast food, encourage her to cut back to once a week starting out, then gradually go down to once a month. These are small changes, but they will help, and they are relatively low effort. The more drastic changes seem too difficult for her, apparently, at least for now. At this point, I recommend small steps getting started since this is such a severe case of weight gain. It will take time for her to get motivated, so you’ll have to be patient. Let her make changes at her own pace. Gradual weight loss is more likely to be permanent anyway. Losing weight too fast can be unhealthy in itself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2022): I think it’s only fair after suck a long answer from a male that you hear it from a woman’s pov
Men have to get erections but doesn’t matter whether women are aroused or not ???
I guess some people think having sex with a dry women parts is not incredibly painful or when sometimes impossible … also the emotional damage of being penetrated by a man you don’t find attractive
I think it’s incredible how men like to say women don’t understand them and assume they know women and how we think but seem most have so little understanding of women
I’ll let you in on a secret .. it’s just as hard for a woman to have sex with a man she finds unattractive but many women choose not to be superficial
I say choose because to some extent what we choose to value in a partner is a choice and society makes lots more concessions for men to behave superficially
Don’t get me wrong though … it takes a lot for a man to Rose above conditioning , most never do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2022): WiseOwlE the poster is a woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2022): Typo correction:
"It seems men are attracted to most of the [physical] attributes they may not [possess.]"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2022): One of the first things that happens when people change their lifestyle, eating habits, quit smoking, give-up meat, no longer use drugs, or stop drinking; they suddenly see all the faults and shortcomings in everybody else. Never mind the fact, they once struggled with overeating, issues with their self-esteem, self-loathed, or felt self-conscious. They may have had bad-habits or addictions they've overcome; but they suddenly feel superior to everyone who isn't where they are now. Their new and improved selves!
I will offend some people reading this, and the first paragraph probably offended you; but sometimes frankness and truth hits a sore nerve. Your girlfriend was fine when you weren't doing what you're doing now. She has put on weight.
You may not read DC regularly; but most posts come from women about their relationships. It would be safe to presume, generally speaking, women really hate men when guys seem more attracted to fitter younger-women. It seems men are attracted to most of the attributes they may not posses. They don't understand how we think.
They don't understand why just letting themselves go makes them seem less attracted to men. They are programmed differently from males. They are mentally and emotionally conditioned by society and tradition in different ways; and their bodies are different. They don't have to get erections, which is the telltale sign a man is sexually-aroused. The extent of a male's sexual-arousal, and firmness of his erection, determines how he will perform sexually. If he is not attracted or repulsed, he can still love her; but her physical appearance doesn't arouse him enough to perform as usual. Although his love is fully intact. She can't tell if it's too much alcohol, you're stressed, too tired, masturbated several times that day; but the first thing she will assume is that it is her fault. Or, suspect you must be cheating!
Most times, slowly progressive physical-changes doesn't bother a guy when he loves his woman unconditionally; but she can neglect herself to the degree he still loves her mentally and emotionally, but isn't attracted to her body. Her physical-appearance is what first attracted him to her. A drastic change in her body may affect this aspect of their relationship. However, the more superficial and mindful of appearance a guy is; the more likely he will lose attraction to his mate as she ages, her body changes after childbirth; or if he over maintains himself, because he's conscious about body-image. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to conclude that he'll start to hold her to a different standard. Lifting his expectations and demands. Requiring her to match his enthusiasm for fitness.
He can't see with his heart anymore, he can only see with his eyes. That's a serious dilemma. It doesn't happen to most men with realistic expectations; but it will to those who love their women as long as they remain slender and young. Even when he isn't!
She sees all your physical changes, how fastidious you are about your appearance. How you admire yourself, and boast about your progress. Criticizing her lack of good eating habits.
You used to love her just as she is. Now you've taken on a new lifestyle; and suddenly she's seen as a mess, and as letting herself go. Putting on weight to the degree she now disgusts you. How do you think she feels when you push her to go to the gym, and criticize her appearance? She set no standards on your appearance. You made that choice on your own.
You mentioned you are no longer attracted to her sexually; and that my friend, has probably crushed her self-esteem.
Maybe she just gave-up, and can't be pushed or inspired. You don't even have to say you're no longer physically attracted to her. She knows, because you are no longer physically intimate, or probably show her less affection. You may unintentionally give her looks that make her feel bad about herself; so she feels so down and depressed, she has given-up all the more. She finds comfort in eating, and just doesn't care about her hair, clothes, or makeup. She feels you're somebody else now.
You can't expect other people to make drastic changes to themselves, just because you have. It was your choice to be more concerned about your health and physical-appearance. She was happy just living her life as she pleased. Not to say, she shouldn't be health-conscious, and should eat a healthier diet. Your obsession with your body shouldn't be imposed or projected onto your mate. You should inspire her, not showoff and gloat about all your magnificence. She gets all your subtle implications, and can read all the signals.
Yes, it is true, she probably just relaxed about all that extra upkeep; because she feels she has found love. Women don't fully understand male-sexuality. They sometimes misunderstand a lot about how we react to what we see, or what arouses and stimulates us sexually. They think if you love them, nothing should change that. That is mostly true, but not the rule. If you are now becoming more inclined to fitness and good-health, you are setting a standard for her that you never have set before. It's unfair, unexpected, and somewhat inconsiderate. It is possible that your love is conditioned primarily on her appearance; and it has become more apparent now that you like what you see when YOU look at YOURSELF in the mirror. Hence, she must fix herself to be worthy of you.
If she's not your married-partner, and you've lost physical-attraction altogether. It would be kinder to her to let her go. Then go find yourself what you consider a more suitable physical-match. Then remember when your hair thins or grays, your belly gets paunchy, and you're too tired to go to the gym, and you develop erectile dysfunction; you will still want your partner to be attracted to you, and to love you as she always did. No matter how you look; or how much age, or your health, has changed you.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 October 2022):
 The truth of the matter is we can't change people, we can offer advice, suggestions, or even drag them to somewhere they don't really want to be. But at the end of the day the only person that can help your partner is your partner herself, she has got to make that initial step and if she is unwilling to do so there is really not an awful lot that you can do.
You have even said to her you are worried about her health and her dying, as the history of heart health in her family, which would give most people a jolt to change their lives.
I know you say you love her, and that you won't leave her, but by your own admission you say that if you met her today you would not be interested.
I think you have to weigh things up, if she is not going to change do you feel you could still be living like this in five years time, ten years time.
You have done your very best, given it your best shot at helping her get back on track so kudos to you for that. But at this moment in time all that means nothing until she takes that first step.
One last option have you considered seeking some professional help, she may be suffering from depression. Also get to her to go for a health check, if she heard it from a professional who told her she needs to turn her life around or she may not be here in five years time. As horrible as it may sound maybe that's the wake up call she needs.
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