A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife will not touch me in the bedroom. She enjoys foreplay and missionary. Nothing else really excites her. We have talked about this many times but she just blows it off and changes the subject. What do I do?
View related questions:
foreplay Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Thanks for the update:
I am very happy to hear that she agreed to Counselling; Do your homework and find a good qualified, experienced Counsellor or psycologist.
As "Troubledtoomuch" suggested; if she is on the birth controll pill, it might have an influence on her hormone levels; It might as he suggested, be worth changing it; but
I suggest,if she is on the birth controll pill or you have any doubts about a hormone imbalance, it might be worth your while to ask her to get her doctor to check her hormone balance; they will check certain symptoms and can also do a blood test to establish the level of some of the more important hormones.
Do keep us posted.
Hope everything will work out for you.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I can’t add to what Smiles and Diovan have said about all of the possible psychological reasons for her lack of interest in sex, but let me ask about the physical side. You say that she doesn’t take any medications. Does this include birth control pills? Some birth control pills kill the sex drive of many women. A change of the brand of pill can sometimes help.
Does she ever have an orgasm? Does she seem to enjoy the limited sex that you 2 have together? You said that she enjoys missionary, but does she ever orgasm in that position? What type of foreplay does she like? Does she like oral and if so, can she have an orgasm with you giving her oral sex? If she doesn’t ever have an orgasm and doesn’t really enjoy sex much at all then she could have a hormone problem. Certain birth control pills can cause this or it can just be the way her body works. Hormones for both men and women are a very complex issue. Men and women’s bodies both make testosterone and the 3 major types of estrogens. Low testosterone in either sex can cause lack of sex drive and ability to enjoy sex. High estradiol is also a killer of sex drive. If she is not on birth control pills and has never taken anti-depressants then a hormone imbalance is less likely, but not totally unusual. Unfortunately, from what women have said on healthboards.com, not many doctors know much about testosterone in women and know how to treat a hormone problem.
It is most likely related to something that the ladies have said here, but birth control pills or a hormone problem are still a possibility.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I think Smiles meant Guilt. Quilts are things you wrap up in late at night... LOL... But all her other advice is spot on. This is a hard question to answer. I will tell you that me and the other Aunts and Uncles have been thinking about this long and hard. Your question is important to us, you and your woman's happiness is important to us too. It's just that you haven't given us much to go on, we can't tell what the problem is from her side. We don't know you, we don't know her, so we'll try to help but we're walking blind. Please update your situation, please give us more information to give better advice. Please read all the good advice that the aunts and uncles have given, please update and answer our questions. We would love to help, but we need more information from you
Other than that, please, please, please think about what Smiles has said. Has she been abused in the past and is frightened to tell you. Is she religious and thinks that sex is bad. Maybe she has family difficulties, is stressed out and can not relax. Maybe she is ignorant about what good sex is. Maybe she's just lazy and needs a wake up call. Sorry I'm tired, and I'm too lazy too give good advice. But I want you and your woman to be happy. Your a gentleman who I care a lot about, you are one of three that have caused me problems, and given my brain considerable work. Please look at the advice that I gave another gentleman, these suggestions just might work..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-good.html
I wish you luck. We are strangers, but we can keep secrets, we have to, because we don't know who you are. Give us some better information and we'll give you better advice. In the meantime, read what we've already said, look at my link and see if this works. If you have no luck please update and tell us how things are going on. You have a right to have a good sex life, just the same as your wife. Together we can beat this thing, don't worry you've come to the right place. Take care of you, don't worry, I'm sure we can come to a solution that's right for her and right for you. Good luck, hugs and blessings, I and all the other Aunts and Uncles wish you well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Smiles thanks for the advice. you hit the nail on the head about being frustrated and unhappy! I did have a conversation about this with her. we didnt reslove anything together so I suggested seeing a counsler and she didnt object. I guess the next step is setting it up.
thanks for all your help!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): If your wife has always been like this; it sounds as if you are sexually mismatched.
This must be causing you great frustration and unhappiness;
It sounds as if she has a low sex drive and if there is no medical reason, for her lack of sexual interest; I think it is more then likely psychological; often due to one or more of the following:
Inhibitions; Quilt; Fear, Shame; Inferiority; Jealousy
Problem is that most of our sexual beliefs and attitudes exist in our subconscious minds and that has an affect on our feelings towards sex and has an affect on our actions and how we respond towards sex and our sexual partners.
For example; these are causes for a loss of sex drive;
She could have been brought up very strict or very conservative; she could have been brought up that sex is dirty; or that it is a sin; or that it is a duty; (creating inhibitions/quilt)
She might have been molested as a young child or as a teenager (shame)
Scared of unwanted pregnancy (fear)
I suggest that you both seek professional help to discover what is causing her lack of interest in sex and or low sex drive;
It is important that the underlying cause be treated.
(If the problem is established; depending on how complex the problem is; she can try some self therapy; such as “thought stopping”) but I suggest professional treatment will best.
You mentioned that she does enjoy foreplay;
I suggest that you increase the sexual awareness between the two of you;
Stopping having intercourse for a while;
Concentrate on romance and courtship for a few days;
Take her out for dinner as if you were on a date
Phone her up for nor reason, just to say I love you
Try kissing her more
Leave a little note in the house for her
Be romantic, have a bath together with candles
Hug and cuddle
Give her a massage
Then the next few days go a step further; foreplay just foreplay no (no intercourse)
For a few days keep it at just foreplay;
She might be begging you for more; if not sex therapy might be needed too.
Please do get PROFESSIONAL help; best wishes and good luck.
Keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Smiles, I think I would go ahead with the advice you'd like to give. The system is not perfect. And there might be other people who would benefit from your wise advice.
Tisha
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I am not sure, but the system can "read" and verify if the posting is from the origanal computer or not; if from a different computer you might have to enter a password or a key number;
I am so sorry but without the verification; I cannot take the risk in answering;
Best wishes
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): how do you do a followup?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Thanks for the additional information; I would love to repond;I do have a few suggestions;
but I have a problem; this answer is not verified that it from the origanal poster;
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): we have been married for 10 years, we have children (3 under 5), she has always been like this, no medication, no health issue's, not depressed maybe stressed out being home all the time caring for the kids. She does go out with friends for dinner and ADULT conversation. everything is great except the GIVING back part in the bedroom.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Smiles is right, you have provided us too little information for us to give you usefull advice. As the other aunts and uncles have said, talking and open communication to find out what the problem is, then marriage counselling if this dosen't work. We don't know if this is a problem with your marriage, your approach or your wife's sexual hangups.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): In general, there can be many reason for women feeling/reacting like this;
She may have been brought up thinking sex is dirty; or she may have had a disturbing sexual encounter when she was young;
This may sound ridiculous, but many women still cling to the idea that women should be passive in the bedroom; these women, then normally feel unable to take part and there arousal is normally minimal; with very little warmth in there lovemaking; mentally she will hold back and physically she will be inhibited;
To be able to try and give you more spesific advice or assistance; I have lots of questions;
how long have you been married?
do you have any children?
has she always been like this, or did her behaviour change/ and when?
is she on any medication?antidepressants or anything like that?
any health problems?
any major changes changes in work or home or big arguments?
any loss of a relative?
Is she stressed about something?
Anyway, with the limited information available; I suggest you should have a good, calm, LOVING, conversation;
try and find out how she feels,
BUT
also explain to her how you feel;
Counselling will be advisable and if need be even sex therapy.
It is important that you find a solution to this, it can ultimately become a major problem.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2008):
I agree with Eyes here, you need to try to talk with her again. This is not a healthy sex life. She doesn't touch you at all? How long have you been married? Is this a recent development, or has it been this way all along? Do you or she have any previous sexual partners or history that might have some bearing on this?
I'd go ahead and make the appointment with the marriage counselor anyway, even if she doesn't agree. You at least will have some insight into why she might be so unresponsive and not reciprocating in the bedroom.
I wouldn't let her 'blow it off' without trying to have a calm and rational, and loving, discussion with her again. Try to pin her down a bit, but again, LOVING and listening are key here.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2008):
 You need to have another chat about this, insist on it. She isn't playing fair here. There has to be a middle ground where both partners get some satisfaction sexually. Give and take is crucial to every marriage. If she still refuses to talk you about this see if she is willing to go to a marriage counselor. Hopefully she will see how important this is to you and will try a little more experimentation. Take it slowly however.
...............................
|
