A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with this guy for 5 years now. when we got together i told him my veiws about porn. its cheating. we have been through heaps together. We have a daughter together and everything. When i was pregnet everything changed. He started spending lots of time at the pub, fluting with girls and with all my friends that he met. to this day i have no females cause im scared of what he will do. Our daughter was planed. he was the one that asked me. when she was 6mths he told me one day when he got home from the pub it was over. After 11mths he came to where we were living and wanted to start again. after a year of being back in Dec he started looking at porn again. i found out and talked to him about it. he was he was looking at it cause we were fighting all the time. we sat down for 5 hours working out an agreement on what we didnt like the other person doing in the relationship and how to stop in from happening again. well on Sunday i went to my sisters place with our daughter. when i got home i asked to use the net. I opened it up and yeah you know what was there. i asked him about it, he said he had not been on the net and that some must of got into his net. i believed him and trusted him. Monday went to work and found out if someone went into his net it would go on that person computer not his phone. i told him that and asked if he had anything else to say he said no. Tuesday morning he told me the truth i was so hurt. i asked why he lied and he said he was ashamed.(only cause he got caught i bet) Wednesday night he tells but that he loves me but he is not attracted to me now. My heart was ribbed out and stepped on so much this week. i tried understanding and asking questions but all he says every males looks at porn and I'll never understand. I've tried to start again and put the pain, hurt and betrayal behind me but now he is the one pushing me away. what am i meant to do or think??? He doesnt want to have sex cause im not a photo on the net???? Can someone plz help me???Is lookin at porn while in a relationship cheating???Can you love someone your not attracted to???Why is he pushing me away???What can i do????
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. i just want him to look at me no one else no internet girl nothing
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): I am loath to log on and do nothing but suggest another answer but I must do that now. Read Janiepeg's answer. It is a measured and rational plan to get both of you towards the middle and away from either extreme.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 April 2011):
 You are entitled to your views. Your view might change over time. There is an over emphasis on being the perfect looking woman but fact is the relationship is not all fun and excitement anymore. He has the responsibility to be a devoted partner. Whether sex is as steamy as before is not the issue. He became a father, he really shouldn't be going to the pubs. Attraction or no attraction he has the obligation to take care of your needs. The priority is the health of the baby.
I think a pregnant belly can look very beautiful and feminine. His going outside to fulfill his masculine needs has more to do with shirking responsibility, than being less attracted to you. If he had been attracted to you that attraction will come back. Instead of fighting you have to calmly ask him what you want and need. Fighting is one way to kill attraction. Sometimes if fighting continues it could mean there are issues that can't be resolved. You can love someone you are not attracted to but that would be a kind of brotherly love.
Looking at porn is not the main problem here. My boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship, great sex, and we both watch porn, privately and together. The main problem is that he fears he's stuck in a relationship with no passion or juice. Sometimes attraction is a decision. It takes a nano second to decide you are not attracted anymore, simply because you don't want to be responsible in a relationship.
What you do here is pull back and do nothing. Develop confidence yourself independent of what he thinks. You could still look vibrant as a mother. Look at celebrity moms as inspiration. When he sees that you can be happy with or without him he might change his view on relationships as a burden.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Porn is not cheating in and of itself. You've developed it to have a "forbidden fruit" role in your relationship. We are all human here and you've fallen into the social norms. Thus developing a mother-child relationship with your partner. I repeat porn is not cheating. It's the way you FEEL about it. Your problems are all self inflicted here. The bigger problem is not the porn...but why you feel inadequate with yourself.
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