A
female
age
30-35,
*edwoodtriangle
writes:Hello,I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year, and we have been together for a year and a half. Right now I am very seriously considering breaking up with him, but I am having a hard time making a choice.In many ways he is very good to me. He has been an excellent provider, he does house work, he helps me out with pretty much anything, and he is very loyal and supportive. we also have similar life goals and desires, we are very comfortable together, and have a similar sense of humor.On the other hand, I have some serious concerns. Throughout the course of our relationship, I feel like we have devoted all of our time together to doing things that he wants to do. pretty much any time I suggest we do something(such as hiking, going to the beach, going to a park, camping etc., it is like pulling teeth to get him to do it even though he claims to also enjoy these things. we have had several conversations about it, and every time he agrees to do more things but doesn't.Another concern is about our sex life. For the first year of our relationship, we didn't have sex. When we went into the relationship he never prefaced me with any sort of comment about his aversion to sex. for a year he turned me down, and this eventually left me feeling depressed, unattractive, and undesirable. he also isn't a particularly affectionate person. He doesn't cuddle or spend time in bed. we have had sex 10 or so times now, and it's okay, but I just don't really feel like I can be truly fulfilled by him anymore. however these feelings may fade with time, I don't know.Finally, he is constantly complaining about something. He never seems to be healthy or happy. he is constantly stressed about something, and has no ability to regulate his stress. many of his problems are completely self inflicted, but he doesn't take the steps to resolve them and do what is best for himself. It just doesn't seem like he loves himself very much. He also is very antisocial. he is always saying mean things about people in the world, and avoiding seeing people. While I am also not very socially outgoing and also enjoy space from people, I love life and want to meet people and contribute to our global community. For example, we were supposed to go camping for my birthday and he came home the evening before mad from work and told me, ''we can't go''. He refuses to befriend any of the people I meet, and hasn't attempted to make relationships with any of my long term friends and hates it when people visit from out of town. He doesn't like to go out at all. I fear that his attitudes will prevent me from living life to the fullest.All of these things have been particularly troubling to me. I am still young and impressionable. I am building who I am and developing my self love and creating a positive lifestyle for myself, but it seems so impossible sometimes with him there. He is 10 years older than I am, and I feel that he just isn't the way I want to be when I'm 30. we have talked about all these things, and he seems eager to take care of our health, resolve the sex and spend more time doing hobbies. I love him and have enjoyed our time together, and he is very kind to me, so I am keen to give him another chance, but I also don't want to keep developing negative habits and thought patterns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): Hi. Hun there is a huge amount on your list of reasons that are hurting and bothering you! Were you fully aware of them prior to writing them on here or did they come tumbling out and shocked even yourself?The things you appreciate in him are on the whole boring and mundane - the type of things that if they weren't in place and the rest of the relationship was great, would be annoying but not deal breakers.The list of difficulties are deal breakers however. You are so young.....is this ok for you?He does sound aspergion....but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the skills to get you and compromise in relationships. You sound frustrated, demoralised and undervalued here, which is going to affect your self worth and self esteem....Hate to say this, but it sounds like things have to change- be it in the relationship or if its even to continue at all.Maybe suggest couple counselling to him? He and you may not like it as you are very private, but it may be your only hope of sustainable change in a relationship like this - if he's not willing to do this, it may be an indicator of how fixed these issues are going to stay....x
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (26 July 2015):
 I think your man may have some sort of a sexual problem because, assuming he is your age, his problem should be keeping his thing down, not getting it erect at any decent looking female and worrying when will be the next opportunity that he could plunge it into you. I don't know what that problem is but for sure it will get worse as he ages.
I hate saying "leave him" to any female because I've known plenty who will stick by their man even if they get some every other year. For variety of reasons women hang on to their man, be it security, money, lifestyle, or what have you.
However, if the roles were reversed, and that it was me not getting any, I would not be around for too long. So I understand how you feel sexually, and being a lazy ass, you wanting to go do stuff together, would definitively ruin all of my non-sex time.
So the call is yours: if you think you can disattach, find a better man, then do it while you can. I know I would if my woman was like your guy - nice but lifeless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2015): You are very young, and you're still growing, changing, and developing physically and emotionally. You have a zest for life; and you're very energetic and prone to explore new things. Proven by all the things you describe you like to do, you have a clear understanding of who you are, and your self-awareness is superb for someone your age. Much of what you describe of yourself is attributed to your youth, and your personality-type.
On the other-hand, you seem to have an adaptable-nature; where you can adjust to other personalities. There will come a point in your maturity where you will be much more focused and selective about the criteria you set for a romantic partner. It's now starting to reach that point in your relationship. You are maturing, and in a very healthy way it seems. Being introverted is not an illness or social disorder; unless it forces you to be completely isolated and closed-off from people. Some are just socially-shy, and get along better in smaller groups, may be very picky, and prefer familiarity over meeting strangers. There is nothing wrong with that.
Now we get to the point of intimacy. You are far too young to be deficient of hugs, cuddles, kissing, foreplay, and open demonstrative affection from your mate. You're not an ornament or porcelain doll. You are a person, with feelings and a romantic side that needs fulfillment. He is unable to give you more than what a close friend and companion offers. If your most basic emotional needs were being met, you wouldn't be considering breaking-up with him.
My dear, it isn't fair that you are always adapting to his ways. Part of being in-love is adjusting and compromising with each other. Doing things you sometimes don't enjoy to make someone you adore happy; and you must show your affection romantically in every way possible. Physically and emotionally. Whatever impairments he has, shouldn't be your burden to carry. It's up to him to change and to do whatever it takes to make you feel all the changes and adjustments you make for his sake, are worth the trouble.
He doesn't seem to be willing to do anything you like. That raises red-flags, and he only gets along when you do what he appreciates. That's selfish, and has nothing to do with whether he's asexual, has Aspergers, or is just the spawn of Mr. Spock. (The Vulcan, not to be confused with Dr. Spock.)
He is an intelligent and viable human being, and should want to do things to make you happy; and to keep energy in the relationship. If he can't, due to an undiagnosed emotional challenge; or deliberately hidden issues he knows he has, your decision to leave may be best for you.
He may not be capable of showing as much affection as you need, and you don't wait to see if you can come down to his level. You're supposed to be equals. Giving as much as you're taking, or seeking help when you find there is something that prevents it from happening.
It just may be time you date an assortment of male personalities, to seek a match best suited for you. You have grown quite attached to him, and you're comfortable with him. That isn't enough, or you wouldn't have written such a finely detailed and articulate post about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2015):
 Honestly, I think you two are square peg/pound hole. Which is if you use a hammer you might make it fit.
The guy has a lot of issues, that CAN'T be fixed (by any amount of love from you) He needs to fix those himself. The fact that he is either ACE (asexual) or have ACE tendencies or maybe it more in the line of Aspergers? ( I am only guessing) but the whole, no sex and intimacy? that kind of makes me think more Asperger than ACE.
I think you are WAY too young to settle down with someone who can't/won't fulfill you. And yes, I DO think staying with him long term would prevent you from the kind of life you are wanting.
I'm not antisocial, but... neither big on social events (I don't like large crowds) - however for my family I will go. Whether it's a company picnic, school play, ER, trip to the beach.... I make myself go. My husband has made some new friends up here and I'm not a huge fan of them, but again I will go, because it means a lot to my husband. There are times where I don't want to go ( for instance I had a minor panic attack on 4th of July and I ended up NOT going - hubby went with the kids by himself.) And there are times where I take the kids to the beach, museum etc because he isn't feeling up for it. It is however, NEVER, just one of us who gets to decide what to do and when.
So in short, I think you need to stop making excuses for him. And decide if you CAN life with this long term or not.
You can give him more chances, the thing is... HE will not change unless HE wants to, or see the need FOR a change.
He is who he is. Is that the guy you want to be with?
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A
female
reader, Nicole2525  +, writes (26 July 2015):
Hi there! You say that he has an aversion to sex or intimacy.Urge him to see his doctor to have his testosterone levels checked. It could well be that he is suffering from low levels of the hormone. If so, once he is on a good treatment programme (HCG-testosterone combination therapy), his desire for you will skyrocket through the roof. Various hormones, including testosterone, play an important role in human experiences of sexual love, intimacy, passion, bonding and affection. I speak as a 25 year old who is dating a man of 36 years. He is charming, handsome, mature, yet fun at the same time.The only downside is that he is suffering from low testosterone (on top of Asperger's syndrome- a mild autism). Within days of starting treatment (HCG-testosterone combination therapy), his sexuality has come out of 'hibernation'. We foresee some very exciting times ahead in our relationship, as his sexuality and virility undergoes a dramatic normalisation over the coming weeks and months.Testosterone deficiency has so many different causes and can occur at any age; some men are born with it and never go through puberty unless hormone replacement is started, whereas other men can develop testosterone deficiency after puberty- in their 20's and beyond. Please give this guy a chance and get him to the doctor. He might be suffering from low testosterone, which can affect any man at any stage of life. I hope my advice benefits you.
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