A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i'm in a long distance relationships (different countries). To give some background info, we met while we were both living abroad and were together for about 4 months there before we returned to our own countries, and stayed together long-distance for around 18 months now. I've made a lot of effort to visit her, i've been 10 times compared to her coming to visit me 3 times (we must be the only long-distance couple to see each other so often lol). I think we're both open with each other if theres ever anything concerning us, and thats essential for the trust element of a long-distance relationship. We've spoken about our plan to be together because we know we can't stay long-distance forever, and theres a 2 year plan in place.But theres a couple of issues. Since we entered the long-distance phase of our relationship, we only have a long conversation and see each others faces on Skype once per week. I don't really know why we only do it once, I can't explain. I've tried to call more frequently during the weekdays but it seems she doesn't want to talk most of the time, although we are of course talking by text all the time. She recently got a new job, and I asked her if she can just spare a few minutes one extra night per week so that I can hear her voice and hear about her day or that she's ok. She said 'she'll try'. I'm not trying to over-think this, but is that really a fair answer? Surely you can spare a few minutes, when leaving the office to go home, or before you sleep, or when cooking dinner, just a few minutes to call your boyfriend. It's really not that difficult - am I making too big a deal out of this? The other thing is the effort. I've been to visit her so many times, and she's only visited me a few times. I get that its easier for me to visit her (due to visa issues etc) but it really feels like she's not making enough effort. At the same time, when I am visiting her, she is constantly introducing me to more and more of her family which makes me think she must be really committed because in her culture it isn't normal for boyfriends to meet family until you are married. I did speak to her about it and she said she's going to make more of an effort to come and that she wants to meet my extended family (she's already met my immediate family), but actions speak louder than words so I guess I have to wait and see. What i'm trying to ask is, am I over-committed? is she as committed as I am? I know it may sound like i'm over-thinking things, but i'm just not sure what to think. I would really appreciate any help, thanks.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 I think she is happy enough with the situation at the moment and feels once a week is enough, you don't. I would be the same as you, I would want more communication and more effort because long distance is hard.
Could it be she cannot afford to come and see you? Talk to her about how you feel as two years is a long time if you are feeling like this at the minute.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (25 October 2016):
 People have different communicating styles. I wonder why youve committed yourself to a long distance girlfriend while youre young and in your prime. I, for one, cant survive any long distance relationship because I dont call, answer texts, or use my email much. But I am affectionate and def require conversations, intimacy and sex a few times a week. People work in different ways and since shes living in a diff country, she probably isnt use to other communication styles.
I agree wholeheartedly with WiseOwl, break it off and seek a more accessible girl, someone local, fun, and you can spend all your time w/ her at events or exploring your sexuality. Im assuming when you met her abroad, it came with a high and fun that was intoxicating and the attraction was immediate, but thats just about it. Many people travel and many people have flings or summer/semester romances that way. Many people think they found their soulmate only to return home and reality hits them pretty hard.
I think youre holding onto a fantasy. The fantasy that the girl awesome girl you met abroad will become yours but thats just what it is and youve even prolonged it for about 18 months. Its running its course sweetheart. Break it off and date locally, Im sure theres a cute girl living close by you is dying to meet you =)
Break it off, shift your focus, learn from your past and appreciate it happened but youre in your early 20s, you should be having the best time of your life with someone you can see couple times a week, whether thats going out, making love, or cuddling =)
Good luck =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): Honestly, the older i get that more i would prefer long distance like you guys have. Who needs to see each other every day, not me for sure. I think its pretty awesome that you guys see each other so often, and doing the impossible. I think your girlfriend is on a cooler side than you. I dont know how old you guys are exactly but if she is around 25, she probaly is thinking on where this is going. 25 for women is the age when they start thinking about having a family one day. And its these days, if it was 25 years ago, she would probably be already married with a kid.SO, what i thinkis happening is that she does not think it will ever become a permanent thing, thats why she is a bit aloof
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 October 2016):
 You know her better than any of us so you'll notice if she's changed and if it feels like she has to you, then she more than likely has done.
Some people find long distance hard as you need the physical side of things in a relationship sand it's not easy to just talk to someone for months on end without being able to see and touch them.
Have you got any plans to be closer to each other in future? It may be time to discuss where you're both at and what direction to take things
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): I don't think there's a rule as to how often two people who are in a LDR should be in contact. Some people are comfortable with once a week whereas some need daily contact. The amount of contact also does not determine the closeness or seriousness of the relationship. Neither does who visits whom more frequently.In my LDR, we both find it natural to text/call each other through out the day and always end the evening with a phone conversation or Facetime. We also often cook/buy identical meals for dinner as a way to feel 'closer' to each other. I do visit him more than he visits me but it's really not a big deal.I suggest you have a conversation with your girlfriend and the both of you compromise on a communication schedule/style most comfortable for the both of you.Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): She's tiring of the LDR. It's inevitable. How long do you think someone as young as you two can go on without intimate contact and physical affection? No touching, no real availability, and you see each other as often as out-of-town relatives.
My young friend. Find yourself a real-live girlfriend you can see as often as you like. Someone you don't have to wonder how long they can holdout over the distance; and the money spent on travel can buy gifts, flowers, dinners, and nice romantic vacations together. As well as pay your bills!
If you think she's less committed? I'd say you're right!
I'm also sorry to say, I really can't blame her. Nothing beats having a real touchable breathing boyfriend by your side.
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