A
male
age
30-35,
*aliforniaLurve
writes:Hello,I was going to write a massively long message detailing myrelationship but would prob be better just to summarise:I'm 23 and my girlfriend is the same age, at different unis about two hours away from each other on the east coast. I met her a couple of years ago and straight away we could both feel something really really special, that ive never felt before - she was so unbelieveably lovely, kind, funny and we got on so incredibly well whenever we saw each other, and the nicest thing was probably that we were so so close before we ever even kissed! Before we got together I was playing around for with another girl (I was young, and she was tere before my girlfriend was)who id known for ages and was an old flame, whilst at the same time falling ridiculously in love with my current gf, but just as friends, but she was always asking for me. Just after we got together for the first time I told her face to face that I had slept with this other girl before we got together - I honestly at this stage just felt horrible because I dont think she really knew the extent of it. Anyway she got very upset, kicked me out her room and was really really upset. Fast forward one year to the end of uni year and we have had the most incredible time together, despite being far apartBut then it turns out that she ended up sleeping with some random guy that night from her faculty - and I only found out a year later when it got joked about mistakenly, when we are in the middle of our relationship. I know i had fucked around at the start so I tried my hardest to make her trust me and dont even look at other girls, i was just young and silly. but app she did it cause she was hurt, but why did she keep it secret from me - and also doesnt seem to admit that its a bad thing? a few months after this things are shaky, she goes out a lot, doesnt speak to me as much, and goes without me to parties and clubs, and i just am a bit worried as to how faithful she really is? Does a girl who is really really in love with someone when hearing this news go and sleep with someone automatically!? is that normal!? She was app head over heels with me and is otherwise a really really innocent and honest girl - i was completely honest and have made every effort to make her trust me - am i just being paranoid, expecting too much from her? or is this just a normal response to this situation - considering where we are no, do I have any reason to worry? our friendship groups are the same and would know if anything has happened, and it hasnt, but do I have reason to worry now our relationship is shaky and shes off doing her own thing at clubs now!? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Was your cheating before you were "together" or not? This seems unclear and it's the whole crux of the matter IMHO. Did you think you were together with your GF at the time? Did she? Did you think she thought it was more than you did? etc.
If you both agree that you weren't together at the time that you slept with someone else, then her sleeping with someone else was pure unfair cheating.
As a side note, sleeping with a random guy like that to "get even" is pretty trashy even if you were cheating. You had already been involved steadily with your other girl to begin with. She meant something to you all along.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (9 May 2011):
maybe she cheated on you to 'even the score' . Or maybe she didn't do it intentionally to hurt you, but after she learned about you having cheated on her in the beginning, she re-calibrated herself to the "real" state of the relationship. Because by cheating on her in the beginning, you had basically shown her what YOUR terms for the relationship are. How then, can you fault her for going along with those terms, the ones you had set?
However, two wrongs don't make a right, and as a result the relationship has deteriorated even more. One thing is to admit your role in the break down of your relationship and talk with her, and see if she will admit to her role in the break down as well. It was not her fault you cheated on her (that was your responsibility) but she didn't have to go and do the same, if she was carrying around all that hurt (which is understandable if she was) she could have broken up with you instead. So she does need to also acknowledge her responsibility in where the relationship is right now.
However, since she is now emotionally detached from you (this is what happens when cheating goes on) - there's no telling if she has already written off the relationship and if she's just keeping you around for other reasons though not being emotionally invested in the relationship.
I think you should talk to her about whether she wants to try and save the relationship, or if she wants to end it. If she wants to try and save the relationship, the you two have a lot more work ahead of you to build mutual trust and agree on new terms for the relationship.
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