A
male
age
41-50,
*elpme505
writes:I am in a Long Distant relationship with a woman I love dearly. Its been two years and I have finally sold my home and am looking for employment where she lives. I fly down to se her at least once a month to see her. In the beginning and up until a year into it, we had a very passionate mutual relationship. It was wonderful with few road bumps which I am assuming is normal.As relationships go, I have noticed a falling off in conversation with her over the phone in the last 6 months. The passion and the sweet I love yous from her have been an eb and flow with. She tells me she loves me every time we get off the phone but sometimes it seems like she doing it just to do it. No felling in the tone what so ever.All of this is understandable as I know relationships such as these have these issues. It sucks being far away from one another but I have made it clear that by December I will move down regardless of finding my perfect job. I guess what I am saying is that I can tell that she is getting very tired of this. She no longer professes her feeling for me as she use to. When I do go see here, her sex drive has dropped significantly in the last 8 months where when the first year and some months, it would be the first thing we do and in a 4 day period, we would make love almost everyday. Bu that’s not hwat want to bring to the attention of the readers here. ..I am starting to feel as though she doesn’t really care anymore if I come down or not. She hasn’t really said that, its just the tone in her voice, the lack of intimacy when we are together. When I do bring the fact that I feel she may be falling out of love with me and I ask her her true feelings, she belittles me and tell me that the fact that I am even talking about it is pissing her off. I write it off as she is just getting sick of the distance but she knows I am coming down in 2 months to live with her period. She does do and say a lot of thing that would indicate that she is in fact ready to marry me and get our life going but I worry that talk may be cheap. Another characteristic about this is that she does an says some things to me that are cold when she is frustrated. When this happens, she knows it hurts my feelings and she never apologizes. She knows that I have sold my home and I spend about three nights a weeks trying to find a job. I am living with friens on a couch with all my stuff boxed up just waiting for the day. I am making very action that would show that I am seruous as ever. I don know why she can be so cold and it doesn’t seem to bother her when she does hurt my feelings. Its almost like she doesn’t want to giv me her opinion or sound excited about our prostects anymore. I feel as though this may just be a self protective messure for her whioch I also understand. Regardless of this, we do have a lot of fun together and she can be very affectionate with me in public, around mutual friends, etc. Its very hot and ColdAnyway, I do have a problems I cant seem to get by which I think I could overcome when I was closer but I am blinded by love and I need an outside perspective. someone who has no stake..a clear headHere we go:Two of her best friends are guys. Ive met them both..they seem cool. One of these friends whom she works with and hangs out with almost very weekend (I will call him Bo), she had a sexual relationship with before she met me. He is single and has been for a long time. They wer never really BF-GF but one of her girl friends has characterized their relationship as “ she use to dat him”. He has also stated that he is a man whore. The sexual appetite of the friend was a mystery to me until recently. My girlfriend has always portrayed him as a single guy who has trouble finding women. But recently I have gotten to hang out with him occasionally with her and I have discovered that he is very much capable of obtaining beautiful friends with benefits. Also, at the beginning of our relationship My GF told me that he had a crush on her. I asked had she ever hooked up with him and she said no. Several months later I was informed just by conversation with a mutual friend (not prying) that she had in fact hooked up with him several times before we were dating. When I confronted her about it she said it was before me and therefore none of my business and she did not feel bad about lying to me. I didnt mind so much that she had sex with him but that she lied to me about it several times with no remorse. Anyway, I put this behind me but I have noticed that they go out and get hammered a lot together recently and I also found out that he came over and put together some chairs for hr which she had not told me until I asked how they got put together. Generally, if she has company she will tell me. I know this may be weak but I am concerned that her constant hanging out with of this single guy friend and their history may be a problem if she is I one of her down periods. Is it ok fro a person to have a single guy friend who she use to have sex with while I am not around?Friend two who will be called Tosh: Early in our relationship when she use to talk to me several times a day, she went out with this guy and some other friends. Well on this particular night, she dropped off the radar for almost 16 hours and when she did call me back, she told me she had slept at his house on the couch. Once again, if she is drunk, I don’t want her to drive but the thing about Tosh is that she use to “sleep” in the same bed, same tent when camping, etc before we were dating. She said they didn’t even touch when they would sleep in the same bed which I find hard to believe, being a guy and all. Well, last summer around the time I was ready to ask her to marry me, she went out with Tosh and her sister who didn’t like my GF having this relationship with me. Once again, this night she dropped off the radar fro about 16 hours. When she called me the next day she had told me her and Tosh had slept in separate rooms but she was so hammered and was hanging with Tosh and her sister so she didn’t think it was appropriate to call me. She told me she woke up that next morning Tosh was gone and her and her sister went straight to get their hair done..she was running late so she didn’t call anyone. I found out about a week later that she had in fact called Tosh right when she woke up and talked to him on the hone for 8 minutes, which she lied about also. Despite the fact that I had tried to get ahold of her the night before and she was already hanging out with Tosh, she decided she had time to call him she woke up, and like I said, she lied about this until I dound out otherwise. She claims she had never had a sexual relationship with Tosh and I was never was ale to prove whether she did or not so I pretty much let it go. Well Tosj is coming back into town in two weeks from a year long trip to Africa so I am a bit worried.I guess with all this being said, I do very much love her and I do try and write off the small changes in affection as exhaustion from distance. But id od not know if I should worry about her with these single guy friends. They are cool to me whne I am around but I guess I am just afraid that if she is in a bad mood or has a fight with me, this may be a bad situationI know its a lot to digest and I will be happy to try and lcera up any questions.But wha t the status quo with “best guy friends” whom the GF use to have sex with in a long distant relationship. And, should i be worried that i am the only one who seems excited about our love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Blimey!!! you sound exactly like me. I was in the exact same situation. still am kind of although things have got better on the ex topic anyway. we were long distant for a year before i moved in with him. He was best friends with a female he had a 6 month relationship with. he ended things as it didnt feel right. it was very complicated but i wont bore you with that.she moved to his area although she didnt move in with him, she rented a house around the corner. they stopped sleeping together 10 months or so before he met me but they stil did everything together and thier kids played together when they were at his place.I would call him in the evening and he would say he was at her place and i hate it. caused lots of arguments. I would be at his house on the weekend and she would just open the door and walk in. she would call him honey and other pet names and he couldnt undestand why this hurt me as he said they were just good friends, she would have a key to the house and do things for him as he went away sometimes with work. it drove me mad i can tell you. Anyway, i moved in a year ago now and i have only seen her once and he does not hide his phone like he used to so i know she doesnt contact him as much. They email each other now i think cause he is a bit shady when on his laptop, looking over his shoulder too see if im looking lol. just makes me laugh now. I have had it thrown in my face sometimes in arguments that he gave this friend up for me and so he should have in my opinion after all shouldnt i be his best friend now. what does it matter if she is around or not. It takes time and patients but i got there in the end and it was easier when i moved in. He enjoyed her company when i wasnt there. well now i am and she wil not be walking into my house i can tell you yhat lol. good luck xx
A
male
reader, helpme505 +, writes (12 September 2010):
helpme505 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis happened last night! Just adds to my concern. I so dont know how to handle these situations. Anyway, thanks again fro you advice. You seem as through you have some great insight.
I posted this on another forum:
Is it ok for my girlfriend to get some single dudes phone number at a bar?
My GF went out with her single girlfriend last night an they were approached by two single guys. Apparently, these guys sat there and hung out with them until close. My GF said she told the guy who was hitting on her that she had a a boyfriend but the other dude wanted to stick around to make a play on her single friend. Well according to my GF, she (my GF) after about an hour almost closing time, she wanted to leave and her friend did not (the bar was closing) My GF said she was trying to get her friend to leave but her friend wanted to stay with her guy. When my GF was telling me this story in the car after leaving the bar, she was playing it off like she was concerned about her friend, which I can understand. I asked my GF how long did yall sit there and hang with these guys and she said about an hour. I asked her "did the one guys who made a pass at you ask you for your phone number", and she she asked him for his because she wanted to have someone to contact in case her friend came up missing. I told my GF when she was telling me this story last night that if she was so concerned just call her friend and see if she is ok. She got off the phone with me and tried to call her and said she got no answer. So she calls me back and i tell her to try and call the dudes number she got ( the dude who was hitting on my GF). She said no, hes probably not with her friend and the guy who was making the play. My next question to her was why didn't she get the other guys digits who was trying to take her friend home? Why did she need to get the guys number who was hitting on her if she wasn't going to use it? She said i dont know. Well, when i called her this morning and asked her if she had heard from her friend, her answer was very short. "yea, she didn't go home with him." No other explanation. Its almost like she didnt want to talk about it
Another thing,
About 15 minutes before I called her last night, I txted her and she didn't respond to my text (not suprising) But when I called her she answered and frantically started telling me this story. The whole story and timeliness of what happened didn't match up really but then again, she was drunk. And i think that when i texted, she decided she would take off and call me in the car.
Anyway, I guess my question is what are the boundaries of passing digits when you are in a relationship? Furthermore, how do women handle these situations while hanging with single friends when guys come making a play. I can tell you I would not ask a girl who was hitting on me for her phone number because I don't need it, I am in a relationship. Also, if i told a girl I had a GF, usually that creates a somewhat of an awkward feeling and we dont usually sit around and bullshit.
What adds to this all is that we are in a long distant relationship. We have been fro about 2 years but i am moving down there in 2 months. We have had a great relationship except for the last several months she has been a little distant with me on the phone. I see her about once every three to 4 weeks fro 4 days at a time and we talk on the phone once or twice a day.
I know this may sound paranoid but
one of my friends thinks that she may have told me that story so that she could tell me kind of a half-truth rather than nothing at all. Is it appropriate for a girl in a relationship to get digits from some random dude? I am worried about her intentions in doing that. Im just not sure I believe her reasoning for getting the phone number and for all I know, they could have exchanged numbers for all I know. The story just sounded like it was thrown together at the last minute.
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A
male
reader, helpme505 +, writes (11 September 2010):
helpme505 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insight. I think you hit the nail on the head as far as the phone communication and the affection.
But as for the guys, is it OK for a girlfriend to hang out with a guy (Bo) she use to have sex with? They are "Best freinds". My GF like to mention that they have a very sibling like relationship. But she has also told me in the past that she cant have sex with someone she doesn't have feelings for and I know that she was at one point smitten by him.. I do not question what they do to her face though. She just likes to volunteer the sibling statement a lot when she talks about him. They are both 30 years old and this apparently happened about a year before we hooked up but she is hanging out with him every weekend and getting really hammered with him. This guy has been in her life since we met. I guess the fact that he like to have sex with his Galfreinds makes me a little nervous as well. he seems like a nice dude but like i said, he has admitted he is a player. I know of at least three of his Galfreinds he still hangs out with "as freinds" but of which he had a sexual relationship. She doesn't strike me as someone who would do that but then again she has lied to me or mislead to me about hanging out with him. They spend Christams's together and hang out alone and watch movies. She is also notorious for not answering her phone or txts in these scenarios.
I really dont know how to feel and I damn sure cant communicate my concerns with her right now because if I start asking questions, she gets mad. But she has heard my discomfort about this before but also made it very clear to me she will not stop hanging out with these guys. I dont really want her to. Friends are important, I guess I just wish it was with people in which she never had sex.
I am a pretty confident guy but this situation just scares me. many of my friends have also said that they aren't sure if they be able to handle their women being "best freinds" with guys that they use to have sex with.
Anyway, i know it sounds like Im beating a dead horse. Im 35 and this is the first time I have ever really been in love.
Im willing to bite my tongue and like you said, just wait until i get there. I do believe she loves me but i know this distance is wearing on her..but we are so close to ending that problem.
Anyway, you being a female, I value your opinion greatly on this.
I am moving down there. I guess I am just trying to hold on and keep my feeling under control. I am not possessive or controlling by any means, I just am trying to sprint to the finish line without tripping
Anyway, thanks again and if anyone else wants to weight in, I am all ears.
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