A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long distance "relationship"I dated my girlfriend for a year and things were perfect. The entire relationship, we always had this tension hanging over our head. I'm 23 years old and told her right off the bat that in a year, I'd be moving to LA to pursue my career. Something I've always wanted to do and kind of needed to do for myself. About 6 months before, she decided that she would take the opportunity to do something she's always wanted as well. Live in Australia for 6 months. We both decided that trying to keep the relationship the way it was over that period of time would be bad for both of us and decided to go our separate ways and see where we'd be in 6 months. It sounded like the mature and right thing to do at the time. We left on great terms and decided to keep in touch. Right now we're about 3 months in and it's kind of a mess. We talk about twice a week still. Every-time she gets off the phone, she tells me she loves me and misses me. Here's the problem. She's made it pretty clear that she is single and is enjoying being single. Technically we are both single, so this is true, but my heart is with her and she even said the other week "whatever I'm doing out here, my heart is with you." . I've made out with a few girls, but felt unbelievably uncomfortable afterwards. It just didn't feel right. I'm not bragging here. I've been with a lot of girls before her, so I'm not latching on to the first one I've got. It's just that the more I think about it during our time apart, the more I realize how crazy I am about her and how much I can see her being the one for me. I've told her that I don't feel comfortable being with other people, to which she has chose not to respond to. She just said again, "listen if you were here, I'd be with you, but you're not, so I'm going to be single." Is it just me or is that messed up? She even called me crying the other week because she said she's afraid that I'm establishing a new life without her out here and I'll have moved on when she comes back to the states in 3 months. She doesn't know what she is going to do when she comes back to the states. She thinks she might move back to the east coast, while I'm on the west. It hasn't really been discussed. I would like her to move out here with me, but I'm not sure if now is the right time to propose that. My biggest problem when it comes down to it is the other people. I think actions speak louder than words and if you tell me you love me, but can't tell me that you only want to be with me, I just find it hard to believe. I mean... on one hand she could just be having innocent fun but on the other it seems like maybe she is just trying to have the emotionally support from me, telling me that she loves and misses me and having some security for when she comes back to the states, while she is with other people. When I say "with" I'm not sure what that means. She has admitted to making out with other people and it could just be that. Or it could be that she is sleeping with people as well. If that's the case, I don't think I could go back to her. Is that immature? It would just really show me that we're not on the same page. Any thoughts? Am i out of line, insecure, or justified?
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reader, neongenesisjuliet +, writes (18 December 2009):
If you don't feel right with anyone, don't force it. And if you're feeling more and more that she's the one, just tell her that you don't really want to be with anyone but her. Say that, if you can deal with it, you don't mind her being single, but you plan to wait for her to get back. My fiance, whom is British, and I (from America) did this for several years after we met; we just promised each other that, though we were separate for months at a time, we'd remain exclusive to one another.
Her moving to the East Coast might be a bit tricky though, especially if you know you need to be in LA for yourself. Ask her what it is she wants to do there, and do a bit of digging around the greater LA area to see if it's offered there at all. She may take the concern as sweet that you're looking out for a way for you two to be together and still achieve both your dreams.
As for her sleeping with other people, if it bothers you so much you wouldn't want to be with her, it's best to just approach it like a mature adult; you can be casual and tactful about it, but ask her how involved she's gotten over in Australia with her personal relationships. If you think you couldn't stay with her because of it, and I mean really really couldn't deal with it, let her know that and talk about it. Don't be angry, excitable, or depressed sounding, just act calmly and try to relay to her that it's less of a big deal than it is. Maybe, if she's done that, she'll not feel so cheated in stopping, knowing you're waiting for her. If worst comes to worst, at least you'll know now, rather than later, and you can begin dealing with it and healing.
I really hope it works out for you; long-distance relationships aren't easy, but I wish you the best of luck.
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