A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles,How would you take this comment?Dating exclusively 11 mos, we're seeing each other 4-5 nights a wk (includes sleeping over), we're had a couple of vacations together but talk of the future has been minuscule other than saying at the beginning that I'm looking for a future with someone and not just a regular date. I love him dearly and he says he loves me ( but I don't think he's in love with me).We have separate homes, he knows I cant move to his place due to distance with my kids. Last night he's talking about all the stuff he needs to do to the house, I say "maybe you need to get another house that's less work". He responds, "thats a 6% loss to the realtor and I just set my FIOS for 2 yrs, it would cost a lot to get out of that contract." WTF? Am I wrong in taking that to mean, we definitely won't be living together until his $@%# FIOS contract is up and his downpayment investment has gathered equity?!?!What would you do? I was speechless. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 October 2011):
He seems preoccupied with finances. I'm surprised he hasn't considered the amount of money he has spent driving to sleepovers at your house...or are you the one who is spending money on gas to visit him?As for FIOS, if he JUST signed the contract and has certain bundle packages he can cancel it without the Early Termination Fee within a certain number of days, but would not be refunded for installation fees. He may not be able to transfer the service to a new address.I am curious as to how your children play into this. Do they live with you, or do you have arraingements to visit them or visit you certain days? With all of the traveling you seem to be doing to visit this man at his home, wouldn't it be less expensive to live with him and just drive a little further to see your children if that is the case? If he likes to gripe about his home falling into disrepair, but balks at the idea of selling the place, you may want to calmly point out that these things cost money to fix and usually get worse with time. Depending on the repairs his place needs, they may cost much more than the 6% the realtor would get and not increase his home's value enough to get that money back.Additionally, he doesn't necessarily have to pay the realtor fee! He can speak to a realtor before buying or selling and work out a contract as part of the deal where the other party would pay the fee.But this isn't really about money or contracts. This is about communication. Both of you need to sit down and have an open, honest, and non-confrontational conversation about your relationship expectations and how you would like the future to progress. If you reach an impasse, it may be time to consider moving on.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 October 2011):
 It means he has not seriously thought of the two of you living together AT ALL.
He is not letting you know WHEN he will be available to do so-he is letting you know he is fine with things the way they are.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Take this very seriously. Finances are obvioulsy very important to this guy. That can be good and bad. Good because he may be very capable at keeping finances in order and won't be a spend-freak. Bad because he may be too cautious with money or very controlling when it comes to finances. Also some people who are very focused on finances may not be willing to further a relationship with someone who is not good at finances.
This is one of those issues where there needs to be a lot of agreement on things or it could cause problems in the relationship later. Finances are one of the top reasons couple's argue.
I think this is one of those times when you need to consider the relationship and where it is going. I don't think he wants to move in with you, and I think finance is a driving force behind this but perhaps other things too. It is time to discuss future plans as you've been together 11 months and are ready to move forward, but perhaps he is not.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
 It's a dreadful time to sell a house right now. I know I'm selling mine to move into a place with the BF... but I've been in my house 21 years...
as for FIOS I am sure he could take the contract with him to a new place...
It seems to me that he does not want to live with you and your kids and I doubt that getting out of 2 year contract would change that.
He may not see a future long term with you.. expecially if he's not talked about it. My BF and I are together about the same amount of time and in the beginning I was NOT available to him as a life partner. but the minute I was his plans for the future changed to include me.... and moving in together became an instant topic.
I think you need to take the plunge and talk to your BF and find out where he stands. Sadly I think it's not on the same page as you in terms of what he wants from the relationsihp vs what you want from it.
...............................
|
