| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I have been diagnosed with an extreme form of social anxiety, going back to when I was a young child and my parents encouraged achievement above socialization. Now as a teenager forced to leave school in order to come back to grips with life (doing homeschooling now), I have become isolated from other kids my age.I kept contacts with four other kids my age, but they have all left me behind, sending less messages, refusing invites and never asking me to go anywhere. Nobody talks over the phone, only messaging.I need social contact to recover, but I live on a farm far out of town, with no neighbors, and I can't drive. I can only go to town when my parents go to work, and only picked up when they go home. Thus I have to know exactly where I want to be dropped off.A lot of people don't want to talk to me because I'm so weird. Old friends instantly drag new people away from me and let them know exactly how weird I am. What people don't realize is that I am stuck in a paradox: in order to socially improve, I need social contact, but in order to maintain social contact, I first need to socially improve.My old schoolmates do not believe that I can change, so I probably need to meet new people. But I don't know where to find new people my age to mingle with! Our town has recently gone backwards, and it seems all the kids (and I mean all) are illegally clubbing, because they have no other source of entertainment. I'm not a club person, with my social anxiety and all, and besides I can't get to town at night. What can I do to make friends?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 December 2015):
 Hi
i like the sound of your inner strength. You write well. Ever thought of a journal? One that could end up being published.
You certainly need a better group of friends. Sad thing is that when you feel you can go on without such friends is when you are more likely to attract a better group of friends as then they are more likely to be drawn to you, rather than you initiating the contact.
All these challenges are only making you stronger. Also very happy you enjoy art as that is another medium you could encourage and build the skill to the point where you may be ready to attract an art dealer about showing your work. Art is a wonderful avenue to use to express your feeling.
Your follow up gave me a good feeling that you can survive and thrive despite your appalling former school and the so called ''friends'' who were more like toxic frenemies.
Go forward with confidence.
Also working with animals is a brilliant initiative on your part. I applaud that.
Many people who do go on to greater things have worked through and survived some horrible set backs and then have gone on to confound their critics.
I have confidence that you too can go on to greater things AND develop a range of friendships with some genuine good people who become real friends
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): Hi, guys, it's me again!I really appreciate all of the advice I'm getting, but I thiught I might clarify some things.Somebody mentioned that my grammar and paragraphing seems good, so I don't have a learning disability. No, I don't. But fainting and collapsing into a little shaky bundle on the floor in the middle of class doesn't make it easy to focus on a lesson. My spelling is a non-SMS-language because it's a habit. I'm a writer. My first book is getting published within the year, actually.I have my hobbies: cross country jogging, reading, writing, art... But after years of being independent, I learned something very important.Being independent sucks.Trophies and certificates do not make me go to sleep happily. Award ceremonies don't give me stories to someday tell my grandchildren.I am happy with who I am. I just wish there was somebody else who was happy with who I was, too.I only just started homeschooling. My old friends (okay, more like acquaintances) from school have stopped answering messages. I homeschool myself, entirely on my own, with no tutor. Homeschooling did not make me a nervous wreck. Mainstream school did.Money is one of our biggest problems. My parents would have sent me to a small local private school with more decent children, if only they could afford it. It costs ten times as much as my old school (I am not exaggerating). Similarily, I can't get into town at any times of the day, because petrol also costs.My parents are not trying to shield me from other kids. They would even let me get a fake ID and go into the clubs if I wanted to (I just have to organize a way to get there on my own). I am not exaggerating about these children. The kids, the teachers, they are all sick! We've had two pedophile teachers arrested in one year. A girl group invited me to be friends with them, but in order to be initiated into the group, I had to put on one of their bras and take a selfie wearing nothing but it! And they say they would delete the picture! Of course I refused!I tried to buddy-up with new kids coming to the school, but whenever my ex-best-friend sees me talking to a new kid, she strolls over, hooks her arm in theirs, says "Oh, let me save you! Come and join my group! You'll thank me later!" According to her, though, we are still "best buddies," though she never talks to me.I don't think a place where it is considered normal to take a filthy sanitary pad and smear its contents against the bathroom wall is the type of environment you can leave your child. The school has made me so frightened of what some people really are inside, I couldn't take it anymore. I know not all people are like that, and I am trying to find the good people. They just seem to be in short supply.My parents aren't helping because they are so used to me being independent. I've told them that I'm not as independent as they think, but there is still no change. They have their own jobs to worry about, anyway: my mom is stressed because her alcoholic boss leaves her in charge of everything (and if anything goes wrong, the customers could drop dead: they work in healthcare), and my dad is currently in the middle of a bar exam. They say I should just hang on for three more months, after which I will be able to get a driver's licence and leave the house.I am fully aware of EQ. I know mine is a little low. That's the point of trying to find some peopke my age: I'm trying to improve it.I can "feel" what people say better than I can hear it. It's just hard to do when everyone messages and nobody wants to meet up anywhere. Then they complain that they don't like messaging and stop. I hate messaging, because you don't know whether what they say is sincere. I will definitely be looking at getting a pen pal and working on my EQ a bit. I already volunteer, but at an animal shelter, and there is only one other person there normally: a rather old lady. Right now I am almost better at speaking Dog than speaking English!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 December 2015):
By the way, weirdos are what makes the world go round. It's great to be a little different from others as long as you don't do it in a negative way (such as being a mass murderer). Kids don't yet recognize this and, having grown up in a small town myself, I'm not sure that it is so apparent where you live as it might be in a larger city where attitudes tend to be more open. Be sure to keep yourself interesting and not try to lose all your individuality. That would make you very boring!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): Joining a club, starting a hobby, volunteering or even working might be a good idea. I was home educated from the age of 14 (bullies and not really knowing how to socially meet). Being home educated was rather dull at first because i was used to my life being time tabled. It took doing something to realise how freeing home education is (i started going to church and volunteer with youth projects - places where i was safe to mix and be myself without fear). But if you are out of the way you could take up gardening, reading, write, paint, learn to play a musical instrutment etc. Find ways to fill up your time with other people but also ways to fill up your time being happy on your own. I didn't mix well with others cos i hadn't yet accepted myself. Don't be afraid to know the loveable weirdo that you are, embrace it!For more ideas look for home education facebook groups, some are for parents and some are for home educated teens.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2015):
 As you report, you have a severe form of social anxiety. Yet you feel isolated.
Are your parents and your therapist and doctor looking for a way to get you back into school? Or is it because "all the kids (and I mean all) are illegally clubbing" that they are keeping you safe from that?
As you know, you need social contact to recover, so why aren't your parents, the school district, your therapist and your doctor ensuring that you get those?
Your spelling and grammar and use of punctuation and paragraph breaks show that you don't have a learning disability.
I agree with Abella that you need to work on your emotional intelligence, and as she's provided many links for you on that, I don't need to add any.
I guess I go to why you are being home schooled and why your parents don't understand why you do need opportunities to make friends. You mentioned something about your family encouraging achievement over socialization from a young age. Are they isolating you?
I don't see a country flag so can't offer links that might help. Do you have siblings? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? Cousins? Have you discussed this situation with them? Or does the social anxiety prevent this?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 December 2015):
Hi
I have read your question and I know that you want to make new friends. Yet your impatience may let you down. That is why I am going to suggest a less direct route in order to build your inner strength first.
You do not need a new group of teens rejecting you. Because that will make you feel worse. There is a better way.
1. The most important resilience that needs to be built is your own EMOTIONAL intelligence (EQ) - which CAN be learned and improved. Once you build you EQ you will never need to be as anxious ever again.
we all need emotional intelligence and once you understand why it is so important you will more likely have people approach you who want to be your friend.
Emotional intelligence - on line
http://ong.ohio.gov/frg/FRGresources/emotional_intellegence_13-18.pdf
= this one is good. Aimed at teens aged 13-18
It has a series of things you can look at to increase your awareness of EQ and it's importance.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201410/how-increase-your-emotional-intelligence-6-essentials
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-practical-ways-improve-your-emotional-intelligence.html
Penfriends - check out this teen site on tumblr, see below.
I developed a pen-pal friendship as a girl aged 8 with another girl aged 9. We still correspond today.
http://findteenpenpals.tumblr.com/
Start a blog – because aspects of your life that you may think are mundane and boring may be fascinating to others. Do not reveal exactly where you live and do not share your email nor phone number nor your full name - take steps to keep some things private.
http://teenage-blogger-central.blogspot.com.au/Here are some examples to read how other teens construct a blog.
Consider a hobby that could make you money in the future. Framed photos (as opposed to paintings) are very popular and often sell for big prices. Take the photo yourself then you can reproduce the picture many times and sell the photo many times to others at a Market day in the city. Once you become proficient you are likely to meet others who might like to buy one of your framed prints. Start small and build up.
Photography as a hobby:
http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/five-photography-tips-for-ameteur-photographers/
photography can be long distance landscape down to very close up pictures of natural things.
you can enter competitions to win prizes.
you can sell framed pictures in colour or back and white or sepia.
Another past time that is fun and could make you money in the future is Pressed flowers
Even weeds (artfully pressed) can be pressed and can be made into a lovely piece of art.
//www.motherearthliving.com/natural-health/how-to-press-flowers-make-a-plant-press.aspx
http://www.thisfashionismine.com/2013/09/diy-framing-pressed-flowers.html
http://www.bhg.com/gardening/design/projects/make-pressed-flowers/
join a fan club such as:
www.taylorswiftfanclubofficial.webs.com/
and correspond with others.
Get physical - doing physical exercise has the effect of improving your "not feeling happy?" situation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhI6ufUiWfg
Water colour painting
Google : Anna Mason Vibrant water colours – the site can be free – that is how I choose to use it.
Once a month I receive and inspirational short video on how to paint (various things) with water colours. It costs me nothing to follow the site and view the short video.
Start a personal journal that only you see.
Write in it when you feel like it.
Attach a star to anything you did well that day, that hour, that minute.
Books
Books open up so many worlds from the past and the future and the present.
Below are some books recommended for your age group.
Books can also mean that you can take part in a conversation and know what the other person is talking about if you have read the book
Divergent
Author: Veronica Roth
In Beatrice Prior’s dystopian Chicago world, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can’t have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.
During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles alongside her fellow initiates to live out the choice they have made. Together they must undergo extreme physical tests of endurance and intense psychological simulations, some with devastating consequences. As initiation transforms them all, Tris must determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers unrest and growing conflict that threaten to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves . . . or it might destroy her.
Debut author Veronica Roth bursts onto the YA scene with the first book in the Divergent series—dystopian thrillers filled with electrifying decisions, heartbreaking betrayals, stunning consequences, and unexpected romance
The Book Thief
Author: Markus Zusak
A New York Times bestseller for seven years running that's soon to be a major motion picture, this Printz Honor book by the author of I Am the Messenger is an unforgettable tale about the ability of books to feed the soul.
Set during World War II in Germany, Markus Zusak’s groundbreaking novel is the story of Liesel Meminger, a foster girl living outside of Munich. Liesel scratches out a meager existence for herself by stealing when she encounters something she can’t resist–books. With the help of her accordion-playing foster father, she learns to read and shares her stolen books with her neighbors during bombing raids as well as with the Jewish man hidden in her basement before he is marched to Dachau.
The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will become busier still.
Second Chance Summer
Author: Morgan Matson
From the Flying Start author of Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour, a powerful novel about hope in the face of heartbreak.
Taylor Edwards’ family might not be the closest-knit—everyone is a little too busy and overscheduled—but for the most part, they get along just fine. Then Taylor’s dad gets devastating news, and her parents decide that the family will spend one last summer all together at their old lake house in the Pocono Mountains.
Crammed into a place much smaller and more rustic than they are used to, they begin to get to know each other again. And Taylor discovers that the people she thought she had left behind haven’t actually gone anywhere. Her former best friend is still around, as is her first boyfriend…and he’s much cuter at seventeen than he was at twelve.
As the summer progresses and the Edwards become more of a family, they’re more aware than ever that they’re battling a ticking clock. Sometimes, though, there is just enough time to get a second chance—with family, with friends, and with love.
Beauty Queens
Author: Libba Bray
From bestselling, Printz Award-winning author Libba Bray, a desert island classic.
Survival. Of the fittest.
The fifty contestants in the Miss Teen Dream Pageant thought this was going to be a fun trip to the beach, where they could parade in their state-appropriate costumes and compete in front of the cameras. But sadly, their airplane had another idea, crashing on a desert island and leaving the survivors stranded with little food, little water, and practically no eyeliner.
What's a beauty queen to do? Continue to practice for the talent portion of the program - or wrestle snakes to the ground? Get a perfect tan - or learn to run wild? And what should happen when the sexy pirates show up?
Welcome to the heart of non-exfoliated darkness. Your tour guide? None other than Libba Bray, the hilarious, sensational, Printz Award-winning author of A Great and Terrible Beauty and Going Bovine. The result is a novel that will make you laugh, make you think, and make you never see beauty the same way again.
PS:
and always be kind and nice to you. Learn to love you. Because if you cannot love and like yourself then how can you expect others to see all your good points if you are constantly refusing to be forgiving and kind and generous towards yourself?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 Not quite the same but what about seeking out and joining online communities for starters. I dont know how far is too far but can you ride into town? If so why not try source out volunteering at the library or the likes. Friends come in all shapes and ages so making friends with some one who doesn't quite fit the teenage mould could be something to think about.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (7 December 2015):
Do you parents understand the situation? If not, they should know. If they do, they should be trying more to help you socialize.Based on the age that's shown for you, you may have a few more years at home before you are able to leave. In the meantime, join some on-line groups. You certainly do a nice job with you writing and you won't be in a situation where others have a preconceived notion about you being weird.Kids you age often enjoy being cruel. There were times in high school when I was a bully and I'm now ashamed of that. Fortunately, by the time I got out of school had matured to become a much better person. At least part of your "weird" problem could well be due to the fact that the kids in town see each other every day but see you only on the rare occasion. Also, they might consider your parents weird got various possible reasons, such as them living so far from people and choosing to home school you. When a group of people don't know others who are on their periphery, they often label them as well as their family members as being weird. I hope this helps. I'm happy you came here to Dear Cupid where you'll have many sympathetic aunts and uncles. Keep in touch.
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