A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I would like to ask for any insight possible on a big problem that's been lingering for quite some time.I've been dating a girl for about 6 months now. We've managed to enjoy our time together, seeing each other and everything's been well. Except our sex life is at an absolute standstill.Since our first attempt to have sex some months ago, I've not been able to remain up long enough to initiate penetration whenever we try to go for it. However, I've managed to be turned on from sexual thoughts, seeing her in lingerie and having foreplay before it takes place. I've been absolutely confused as to why this keeps occurring, even with different measures I've taken.I've seen a doctor TWICE about this, and was given medicine each time to remedy it. In both cases, it helped me get up very well, but did not help me linger long enough even once whenever we would get naked and wanted to start having sex. It would go down almost as soon as we would try to and it wouldn't come back up again, even after playing further. I've also committed a period of time without viewing porn or masturbating to see if this would also help, but this has done little, close to nothing.And no, if one may ask, I do not have a secret affiliation for guys; I am 100% heterosexual. I also don't really feel much nervousness whenever things get heated that may be affecting me (or at least I don't think so).What could be the problem? I'm pretty much at a dead end on what to do here and my girlfriend just grows ever more frustrated with the situation. I try to please her using other means because of the issue (fingers and mouth) but she doesn't manage to get off and she pleads that only sex can do that for her. Could anyone explain why such a thing keeps happening? Has anyone experienced this themselves? I would really appreciate any feedback.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): OP again. Sorry I forgot to mention this, but I always use a condom each time we try to go for it, and she also agrees with using one. Kids are the last thing we both need right now. She still isn't on birth control, though. And no, it's not like she's wanting to be pregnant, it's just she always wants penetration to happen.Also, the part where I mentioned about her not being supportive pertains to my issue not being able to stay up, not about birth control! Apologies for the confusion!So it's just really stubborn stress, it seems? I'll try to look into it. Thanks for your responses everyone!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2015):
 Your regular doctor can check your T-levels.
I agree with SVC, it's more then likely a "anxiety" problem not a medical one.
I DO hope you use condoms and I also agree with SVC, that HER wanting to to have penetrative sex CAN mean that you subconsciously are worried about pregnancies.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
 your regular doctor would run blood work to check your T levels but trust me based on your follow up your t levels are fine...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
and to add...
her INSISTENCE on your penetrating her sounds to me like she WANTS to get pregnant.
Tread very carefully with this woman and do not go without a condom oh wait let me guess... she doesn't like them either right?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
OP I have the solution:
you said " She's not on birth control either. And I've talked her through about this issue, but she doesn't seem to be so supportive about it. "
I truly believe your mind is smart enough to know that having unprotected sex is playing with fire.
you can't maintain an erection because she is not on birth control and you know that if you penetrate her and orgasm you may impregnate her.
once she is on good birth control I am betting your problem goes away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): OP here.I've already abstained from wanking for close to a month now. The quality of my erections has been better but I still have the same issue. And regarding my girlfriend, no, she insists on me penetrating her to get her off. I've always been attended and not distracted when we go for it. She's not on birth control either. And I've talked her through about this issue, but she doesn't seem to be so supportive about it. Also, she believes pleasuring herself is "immoral" and icky, which never made sense to me but that's how she feels.We've tried to do some outercourse before (or foreplay) without genital contact, but again, she really desires having me enter her, even when I tell her we should just remain close without trying to get to sex.She's been pretty much my first sexual partner. My last girlfriend and I did have some sexual activity but the relationship didn't last long at all, so I'd say this is my first real experience.Could I feel stressed on a subconscious level? I"m beginning to feel that may be the case, but I don't particularly FEEL stressed whenever we try to do it.And how would I get my T-levels checked? Wouldn't I have to see a urologist for that? And isn't that expensive?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
My concern is that you refer to YOUR penis as IT.
it's not a separate entity from you... your penis is part of you
I agree a T level work up is in order. But I'm pretty sure that it's a brain issue here.
are you afraid you won't satisfy her?
My suggestion.... a 30 day hold on intercourse but lots and lots of OUTERCOURSE.... that is hugging, kissing and snuggling... NO GENITALS.... google outercourse for more detais.
is she on hormonal birth control? are you afraid of pregnancy?
MOST women do NOT orgasm from penetration... I think that what your gf means is she needs YOU close by and not distracted...
I'm not a professional but I think that taking the stress to perform off of you will help.
start with something like this: (and the longer you stretch out the steps the better it will be in the end)
step one hold hands then add (when ready on another day)
step two kiss lightly then add
step three kiss more deeply... remember those hot necking sessions.... go there again... maybe stay there no matter what for a few days (NO Laying down and grinding... make this about the kiss)
step four try all the above and progress to sitting close together on the couch or something thighs touching side by side..
step 5 i would add laying fully clothed side by side on a made up bed... look at each other. you may touch all but genitals or breasts. use faces, arms entwine your feet.. (that's how my hubby and I sleep we can't be close at top but we "hold feet" with one on top of the other not intertwining toes) linger on step five as many days as you can
step six you can progress to full body hugging while laying down.. and kissing...
and so forth and so on....
rules NO genital contact this is about connecting and touching....
eventually you will progress to being nude and in bed and close and you may have a raging erection and want her so badly you can't bear it... continue to hold off on intercourse as long as you can
making love is not about the penetration IMO (or the orgasm)
it's about the connection.
keep the pressure off while you figure out what it is...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Is she your first sexual partner or have you had regular sex with no problems before her?
Just trying to see what it could be
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2015):
Have you have your T-levels checked? (testosterone) - or did he JUST give you a "pill" ?
Do you (sorry for the personal question) wank a lot? Because if you are MORE used to your hand then a woman it might make it harder to STAY erect.
Or, do you think it's just performance anxiety? That you are so worried about STAYING hard, that you CAN'T stay hard?
She CAN get off other ways no doubt, but she also thinks that you can't stay hard because SHE isn't good enough.
This will really go in an ugly circle till you two sort it out.
Why not agree ti a 30 day no sex? (that would be no WANKING for you either for those 30 days)
And get your T-level tested. "medicine" to keep you hard is not the answer (as you have experienced)
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