A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 year old female. I have 2 children and 1 on the way. I have lived such a chaotic life. When i was 4 i was molested by an uncle until the age of about 11. He died about 4 years ago, without confessing a thing. He also let my family divided in 2, since most of my family never believed me. Since then most of my life has been in search for that one person who could truly love me and respect me, but above all protect me from pain. As the song goes "looking for love in all the wrong places". As a child, older men would always try to abuse me sexually... It seems Ive always been a magnet for this type of thing. I do not know what i did, why I would attract such horrible things to my life. Most of the men i've come in contact with have always just wanted one thing and quicker than they appeared in my life, they just as quickly were gone. I have been sexually active since the age of about 14... When i was 18, I met a man who was 18 years older than me. Despite the warnings of people who said this would never work I dived in head first. Though this person had some good qualities, for the most part, he was very verbally abusive... He could not fulfill that void in my life... I guess looking back he was somewhat of a father figure, being that my real father was never in my life...We had a child together by the time I was 21.... After my child turned 1, I realized how unhappy I was and decided I wanted to take control of my life... I ended things and moved on with my life. That is when things got truly out of control. I met a guy who just got out of jail. He was a sweet talker who swindled me out of my money and disappeared, later on I found out he had been murdered. After that I met another guy who was nice but wasnt ready to settle down with a woman with a child, so he left me never speaking to me again. I decided to stay alone for a while and did. At this point, the father of my child confesses to me that he is HIV positive... It was a nightmare I had to be tested, my child as well. We were ok thank God, but this had a very big impact on my life and still does until this very day. I decided that after that i needed a break from men. The thought of having that was terrifying to me I still get scared when I have to have blood drawn. So I was alone single mom working hard and i began drinking and smoking pot heavily because I was tired of thinking and suffering. I met a guy who I had no interest in sexually but wanted to be friends. One night we were at a bar and he was very drunk and high.. He asked if he could crash at my place and so I agreed. We went back to my place and he had a bottle of liquor we began drinking and smoking and before i knew it I blackout. I woke up the next morning naked realizing I had just been raped... I kicked him out of my house but never pressed charges... I felt like it was my fault for being so trusting...Also, because what had happened with my uncle I couldnt bare going through court proceedings again... It wouldve been my word against his. A few weeks later I found out that i was pregnant... I went an i had an abortion...Later on this person went to prison for stabbing someone to death. A few months later i met someone who was nice on a vacation that i took. we had fun together he was very nice respectful and motivational. it seemed we had a lot in common so i thought. after about 8 months he became controlling and somewhat abusive. he was very secretive and weird we had a long distance relationship and he came up once in awhile to visit.... i got very tired of this and one day I was out and about and this guy caught my attention he was gorgeous I never locked eyes with anyone this way. It was like love at first site...I HAD NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE. He was shy and did not speak to me. In my culture it is a definite no no to get a guys phone # ...but i had to and i did... So we exchanged numbers and began speaking over the phone. I was still dealing with the guy I was in a long distance relationship with but he and i hadnt seen each other for over 6 months. So i went for it with this other guy. He knew my situation with this person and wanted me to end things before he and i went any further. SO I did. We started to get serious but it didnt involve sex. With him i was living the childhood never had. He mad me laugh. He took care of me we talked for hours. he was a dream come true...my child loved him. he introduced me to his family... they were so sweet bent over backwards for me and my child. just how i have told you i told him my entire life story i wanted to be honest and lay all my cards on the table. we cried together he cried for my pain imagine that....we went on in this fairytale for months... i went to the doc for a routine check up and found out i contracted hpv. it was horrible but i had to be honest and i told him the truth. he acepted me said he had falling in love and didnt care he would stand by me... i was in heaven... this was a dream... one night we had an argument and he slapped me in my face... i couldnt believe this... that is when things changed. i forgave him for that he swore he'd never do it again. i got pregnant with our first child and he got angry one night and he beat me... he began throwing everything i ever told him in my face... he called me a bitch said i deserved to be abused as child that i probably loved it.. said i was nothing but a dirty whore with a disease.. told me i probably lied about being raped because i never turned the guy in... he was someone i didnt know.. he became controlling obsessive. i was scared for my life....he would get in these rages and then calm down and apologize cry because he felt guilty and he said he only got upset because he loved me so much he was jealous over me...i believed him like a stupid gullible idiot... so the cycle began of me leaving and coming back i got pregnant twice snuck behind his back had abortions...a couple of years passed i was still in this situation couldnt find my way out. i had fallen so in love i couldnt let go.. i was on an emotional roller coaster and he was horrible beating me putting me down i couldnt call the cops i felt so trapped. one night he beat i had had enough i moved out... he begged me to come back... here i am nearly six years later we have a child together one on the way... he still beats me cheats on me lies puts me down and whats sad is that he says all these things and i believe him. why else would all these bad things still happen to me. he has sucked all the life right out of me i dont know who i am whether i am coming or going...i feel like all these things that have happened are my fault i cant bare to start all over again... i see no happiness for me in this life..... please be careful girls you never really know a person....
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a break, abortion, drunk, exchanged numbers, hiv , jealous, long distance, money, moved out, older men, puts me down, shy, trapped Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Two words for you: WAYNE DYER. Listen to his tapes/cd's. You will begin to see a change in your life. I promise you this from the bottom of my heart.
A
female
reader, Julie D  +, writes (17 September 2009):
I bet u feel as if u were born 2 suffer? i know what u r going through and believe me u r not alone. u hve slipped down 2 rockbottom. 4 ur own sake aswell as the sake of ur children u must remove urselves from such a destructive relationship. i to was abused physically sexually and mentaly by a very close family member. i escaped all of that when i was 17. i had met a guy who i thought was my saviour,, but he turned out 2 be just as evil as the demon i ran away from, i had 4 children with him and stayed with him for 21yrs. it was a war zone. i could go on 2 tell u of further mistakes i hve made with guys,, but the main thing is i am free now. ur cnofidence has been shattered, u need 2 find urself. hve faith that there r some decent guys out there, but do not be in a hurry 2 get into any relationship with them and keep them at a ditance untill u get 2 know them better. please get out of the hell u r in now, u r worth so much more and u do deserve 2 be happy. the guy u r with has his own insecurities 2 battle with and is using u as a basis 4 his outlet of anger and frustrations. believe in urself and be strong u can do it.
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A
female
reader, MeBeTonya +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I seriously typed difine instead of define... wow.. haha, sorry about that..
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A
female
reader, MeBeTonya +, writes (9 September 2009):
I am very sorry to hear of all the things that have and are happening to you in your life. Honestly, no one can tell you what it is you need to do that you dont already know. We as friends, associates, acquaintances, counselors and or therapists are here to give you what you we like to difine as our "educated guess" or for that matter "experienced opinion". But you, you are the only one that can make this decision for you. You have to be the one to decide if you and your children are going to be forced to live a life of anger and violence. No matter what anyone says to you, we may "pep" you up for a few days but he'll eventually persuade you into coming back and you'll dive.One of the easiest questions to answer for yourself is...Do I want to hurt for a short period of time or do I want to continue to hurt for the rest of my life? - Meaning, the pain of not having someone there thats been there for so long eventually dies down. Especially ones that have beaten you and taken things from you that you can never get back. - Or, do you want to continue down this road of inevitable pain and violence. Pain for the rest of your life that you know will happen at some point because it has continued to do so for the last 6 years. You're a mother... You know what to do.. and I guarantee you one day you can find the strength to go. But you have to be the one to find it...
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